Never Admit it

I am so up and down lately.  Mondays seem to be the hardest as I try to walk back into the routine of life.  Yesterday I took my daughter back to college and the weather was awful.  I was upset with my husband because he would not go with me.  I know I made a deal with him that if he would go pick her up Friday i would take her home, but I did not know the weather would be so awful.  I feel like he takes me for granted and he feels like i take him for granted.  I don't know maybe we do. The first 10 years of our marriage were wonderful.  I don't recall ever feeling unloved except for one night he stayed at college all night instead of coming home and could not understand why I was upset.  That was a communication issue back then.  Fast forward to our anniversary get away for 10 years of marriage.  I had gone to quit alot of trouble to plan our adventure.  We went hiking and not being used to so much physical activity it was difficult for me and I got discouraged.  We did make it to the summit but when we got back to our room, he told me he was disappointed in how out of shape I was and how it made him not want to do things with me.  I have not forgotten that conversation even though it was 10 years ago.  I was so hurt and already felt bad about myself.  Nevermind that we had just adopted our nephew (his sister's son) and I had little time to myself.  Fast forward to my pregnancy with our youngest 8 years ago.  He told me that he could not stand me because I was too emotional and I began to pack my things. Nothing is ever his fault.  Nothing.  If I get upset, it is my problem because I should not be upset by these things.  When our oldest was beginning to date, he made a big deal of telling her that there is no "one" perfect person for everyone out there.  That she did not need to look for prince charming just someone that makes her want to be a better person and if it does not work out no panicking, just find someone else.  He said for instance, I married your mom because we had you, and we have made it the right decision.  Ouch.........I can't forget those words.  I would not have married him.  I married him because I could not imagine life without him in it.  He made me want to be a better version of myself because that is who he deserved to be with.  I have never forgotten that conversation.  I can't.  He says i took what he said the wrong way.  I have not forgotten or forgiven him I guess.  Fast forward to know and i try to make my needs known but I am always wrong, i am horrible for making him feel bad, there is something wrong with me that after 20 years I can't accept that he loves me.  It is the little things, like yesterday, I drove my daughter home to college.  The weather was turning bad and I asked him to ride with me.  I am not comfortable driving in bad weather, I am safe, but not comfortable.  He said no we had a deal, I am staying here.   OK, I am probably just being overly dramatic the weather is not bad right now.  I drive our daughter to Clarion and drop her off, the whole way home is heavy rain and snow.  The insterstate is icy and my car is jerking all around hydroplaning or sliding or somehting.  I pull off about half an hour from home.  I figure he is probably worried because the weather is so bad so I sent a text saying roads are bad, taking the state route home, will be later than I thought.  I check out the car because it is acting up or I'm sliding around not sure.  Engine seems to be running ok, so I head out again.   It is snowing really heavy at this point and my tracks are the only ones on my side of the road.  Before long a line of cars has formed breathing down my neck and every time I go over 30 my car starts jerking all around.  Then my phone rings, I can't answer it as I am driving through white outs.  It rings two more times, so I finally get to a side road where no one is on my tail and I can go slow enough I am comfortable to call him back.  I assume he is concerned for my well being.  No, he wants me to stop and pick up dinner for he and kids since I was not home to make any.  I'm in the fight of my life and he can't drive 5 minutes to the store and pick up soup.  I said I thought you might be worried since you called so many times, he said no I wanted to catch you before you drove through town.  I got pissed and hung up on him.  I stopped and got the soup and made it home.  It took an extra 45 minutes overall.  When I came in the door, he said you don't need to be so angry with me, I am not the one who made you go out in this weather.  I just wanted to feed our children.  So again it is my fault.  My fault I got pregnant, my fault I don't feel loved, my fault I am ever hurt, upset or angry.  You can't reason with him because he never sees my side.  He only ever sees the fact he works every day, takes the kids to school even though it is inconvient for him, takes care of our house, cooks in the off season - he says he does all those things for me and I never notice.  I notice but they are "our kids" and "our house" and you need to eat too. I do those things too and no one notices either.  I know I should not complain, he is a good man and says he loves me, but I don't feel loved.  He told me I need counseling to find out why I can not accept he loves me.  But shouldn't you be concerned about my safety - should you not make me feel cared for too.  I don't know maybe I am blind to his efforts.  

I feel like no one cares - like such a disappointment.  I feel like he is stuck with me.  He says I can't accept his love and that is my problem, but I feel like he does not even notice how i feel.  When I try to bring up my feelings he brushes them off so then I feel like i have to be overly dramatic to get any attention.  Then he just gets angry and everything is my fault for being overdramatic.  He sees me as my depression.  

So I stuff my feelings, not well, back down deep inside and tell myself how lucky I am to have such a good man who will do things for me.  That the issues are in fact with me, that I don't appreciate him.  That it does not matter how I like to be shown love, that all that matters is that he is showing love.  That somehow it will get better.  That when our son graduates, when life is not so chaotic then I will be able to feel loved.  I try not to notice that the few things we used to do together, we don't anymore.  That he falls asleep on the couch more than he used to, that he does not even notice that I have been crying anymore.