Nervous

Ok firstly, don't anyone get any rash ideas here...I'm just venting my nerves for my appointment tonight at 6pm.
 
Here's my history;
Period at 9 years old, horrific pain, heavy etc etc from the get go.
Thick uterus lining, infections etc due to this.
Hormone treatments almost if not all exhausted.
Painkillers + heat pack my life.
quality of life next to zero.
Reoccuring kidney and UTI issues.
I'm 20 years old and was diagnosed with endometriosis this year after waiting 11 years to know what was going on.
1st surgery feb - laser surgery for 'superficial endometriosis'.
2nd surgery July (new specalist endo obgyn) - excision, complicated operative laparoscopy for moderate to severe endometriosis.
Was left to hope exicsion helped me enough and nautropathy would suffice - it didn't.
I'm back to almost being in constant pain daily...my period and ovulation (I think ovulation anyway) are terribly painful, the worst pain I have EVER experienced. My GP believes my pain is becoming so unbearable it's re-associating itself or my endo is hitting on new nerves.
 
I've been thinking a lot the last few days, how hard it would be to need to make a decision about your fertility. I'm open to any options left, and I KNOW so please don't lecture me on the fact a hysterectomy won't cure me. But what if nothing works? My options are slim right now... next to none and I know it's coming as my only resort.
I'm young...if I'm expected to put up with this...I wont ever work, I'll be a liability to my family and how am I suppost to look after a family if I can't even look after myself? I wont have friends, I can't go out as it is... what is my life suppost to be? Bed ridden? It is utterly mentally and physically, emotionally depressing!
I'm going to have to live with the fact possibly my partner and I wont have his/our biological child, our parents won't be grand parents, our siblings not aunts or uncles. That I may hate myself for this choice one day. Not that I've decided...but it might be coming.
At the end of the day I know what they'll say...my quality of life is first and foremost.
I just don't think I can do this forever..my mental state is deminishing so quickly. I'm so lucky to have wonderful friends and family.
I'm so sick of people (not you ladies) telling me what I CANT do...
You can't have a hysterectomy...you're too young, you'll regret that...
What if it gets better...
It can't be that bad....
I already feel selfish enough for thinking about taking something from everyone just so I can have a life. I don't need to know what I can't do... because I don't see them being best friends with narcotics, heat packs and their bed while they watch dawn come and leave and not having moved. I don't see them seeing the tears in their partners eyes when he is so helpless and all he can do is hold me while I cry and scream in pain because sometimes dieing seems easier. I don't see them missing out or being the burden... I don't see them watching how much they hurt everyone, I don't see them being depressed over the fact their health is a hinderence. No... I don't and untill then, I don't need them telling me what I can't do. Because what I CAN'T do is live like this forever. Thats one can't I know won't be happening.
I'm not being dramatic...I've decided that. Because I'm sick of not being understood and brushed under the carpet.
I don't know whats going to happen... but I know something has to. I'm going to make sure of it.
Thanks for listening everyone. I know there are people worse out there and I feel for them. But sometimes you need to be selfish, and think about yourself and whats best for you...even if the best thing isn't always the right thing, the choice thing, what you want but what you need.
I'll keep you updated on the gyno..
Love,
Tate
x
 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I really hope that you feel better. whatever decision is made you make it for yourself not for others around you telling you what you can and cannot do. Ultimately it will be your decision and whatever decision you make will be the right one. feel better
taters90
taters90

Thankyou :) it means a lot not being judged here. I hope you\'re having a good day :)
xxoo
deleted_user
deleted_user

We are not here to judge at all...we are here to support in all decisions...easy or hard ones....I am so sorry that you are having to make this decision at such a young age......but you need to do what is best for you...never mind what anyone else says....its your body and they dont know it like you do.....I hope you find the peace you are looking for....dont forget that there are other options available....take care honey.....
taters90
taters90

thanks hun :)
drbeaker
drbeaker

This so much has to be your choice and no one else\'s and I\'m sorry you\'ve lectured too. While they may have had your well being in mind, they are not the ones living your life.

Whatever choices are made, I really hope they help you. Good luck.
taters90
taters90

thankyou! :)