Nerves...

im really fightin the urge to not call that lady about the horses over and over again like a lunatic... i hope she is ok honestly, and that something just came up and she couldnt make it. tough time today, been depressed since last night.... hard to function. however, since, tuesday i believe it is, i have been trying to do SOMETHING, anything every single day, towards getting this puppy and this house. resume's and applications. im even driving out to tacoma tomarrow, to put in my application in a casino.. i know i know... the last place i want to work, or should work. but i need the money, and i need to work part time, and well, im just not going to make it if i dont. i just have to make sure i dont fall in the gambling trap. i would love to say i am better, that i have more control now, but we all know how dangerous that is... and im afraid. but i have to try. at least for now. I need to create a cushion, i need money. and unless something just miraculously falls in my lap, its the only way i can get enough. initially i need about 2,000 to get all this rolling, after that i can live on about 1400 a month, even a little less if i have to. today i turned in a copy of my license and mixology permit and ss card to the person who said he hired me on call, the other bartender recognized my name as the on call bartender, so i guess he was serious. i put in a resume somewhere else too. yesterday i filled out online applications, tomarrow i will put in at the casinos, then show the house i am helping someone rent out, so long day tomarrow. but every day, i am doing something. there is no breaks. something has to give... and it has to give soon... im more than willing, just show me the way, show me what to do. show me how to get out of this negative stance and be a positive person.