Needing to vent but trying to find the right words
This has to be brief. I'm just sick of trying to make things work with someone. I feel used and taken aback that the charade went on even after all the begging. I know if others read this it sounds vague, but I look at myself and truly wonder IF I could ever have a healthy relationship. I begin to look at myself and wonder IF I even know what love truly is. I'm scared to even give it a chance months or years down the road. Is being alone going to be the norm for me? I don't want to break down my walls again because I dared to trust again, only to get burned. I must think, I don't know what to do, how to go, where to go from here, as I am all alone with nobody to even hang out with on the off chance I don't have my kids. It's weird to figure it all out again, after going through a divorce. I really have been trying to self diagnose myself in the love department. I don't pick the same type of men, so I just don't know. I just don't think I listen to my gut and my heart takes over.
So after my divorce, I gave love a shot...one shot. I tried and failed again, because I could not/would not give them what they needed in the marriage or living together department. I'm too apprehensive bc of my kids and I didn't want to pick up any extra financial problems a that came with this person. I think I just hid so much rather than be alone. Maybe it was best he called it off. Now he can find his marriage partner---once he is divorced from his 5 year separation that loomed over my head.
So after my divorce, I gave love a shot...one shot. I tried and failed again, because I could not/would not give them what they needed in the marriage or living together department. I'm too apprehensive bc of my kids and I didn't want to pick up any extra financial problems a that came with this person. I think I just hid so much rather than be alone. Maybe it was best he called it off. Now he can find his marriage partner---once he is divorced from his 5 year separation that loomed over my head.
Replies
Why can\'t you be alone for a little while? Just tell yourself you are taking a break for now. I, too, am apprehensive because of my son, too. I\'ve decided to just wait for a while.
Awwww honey, you need to focus on you. (((Hugs)))
I too think you need to focus on you for awhile - be alone. Focus on yourself, your kids and building your interests. The rest will come - I promise.
xoxo
You are amazing and he\'s a dumbhead. g&t all around!
I know exactly how you are feeling. I have the same concerns. I do not think I have a clue what love really is. Although I am seeing someone now, I tink it will be a long time before I really put myself out thre. I know I need to focus on my son and me.
I know its scary, but we all know you are strong!
I understand the temptation to try to make it work with someone that your brain tells you is incompatible. Fortunately, you did the right thing. If the gentleman has financial issues that would drag you down, or isn\'t patient enough to allow you to take the relationship along at the speed you want it to go, then he\'s not the one for you, no matter how much you want him to be. I don\'t like having to choose between my kids and someone else either, and I won\'t have someone around them who would force me to choose. You did the right thing.
I didn\'t do it...he called it off, even though looking back at journals I wrote or PM\'s I wrote to others on FB, I wanted to call it off many a time. I let this drag on for 4 years, and maybe he did too. In the end do I want him back out of loneliness...yes, prob. I love his children, too, they needed a stable mother figure and I was as good as it\'s going to get for them, even though they are 18 and 17. I was in their life even it was part time or sometimes through their teen years. Do I miss him for other reasons? Yes, we laughed and shared the same sick sense of humor, he complimented me a lot, which I liked, he was far from perfect and totally not the type I have dated in the past, but I loved him for him.
Problem is things he was doing or saying or getting upset at was starting to get to me, in little ways. He was selfish and personally I think he was using me...consciously or unconsciously. Either way, Iook like an idiot for stating my case and groveling over the last 2-3 weeks. He finally returned my car which was the link to us. Now that link is gone and there are no binds that hold us...I think for these two to three weeks I was clinging to that little hope. Now it\'s gone.