Needing support of others who understand
I am so lost - My husband was put in jail over 2 months ago we were separated when this happened. But now he wants me to be his wife again but he is facing 10yrs or more. I cannot afford a private lawyer so he has a public defender and its going not where. We have boys together who are 14 and 11 and they are having a time dealing with him being in. I have to deal with why he is in and it being why we separated. Family and the few friends I have just do not know what to think or say. I feel like I am losing my mind most days. I just want to run away and hide and forget who I am.
Replies
We have all felt exactly what you are. Believe me, the first few times mine went in, I did go into a deep depression. I had lost my job, then lost my home, and I had no way to afford a REAL lawyer that could make a difference.
Through many times going through the court system with him, I saw how pointless it is to hope unless you can afford the best lawyer.
I have seen ruthless, unethical lawyers and DA\'s who admitted that they take turns winning and losing when working together regularly. We were told for a huge fee, the lawyer could choose the right judge for the case, choose the DA, and get their charges dropped and possible all other past records expunged, but for a standard fee you took your chances. I asked this jerk, well, whose turn is it to win now, the DA\'s or yours? And I walked away from that one.
I didn\'t have kids to have to deal with all that you do. Mine were grown and weren\'t his kids. That makes it even rougher for you.
You have to keep your head together for them, while you are dying inside. You have to keep a job, so they have a home, and everything they need, while you just want to curl up in a ball and make it all go away.
Your boys are old enough to be told more than my granddaughters were when my son went in. They were 8 months old, and the other was 4. There wasn\'t much explaining you could do to them.
Your boys could be defiant because of it, withdrawn because they are sad, and lonesome and missing their dad and what he was like with them. Or they could become very protective over you and mad at him for leaving all of you. This is not going to be easy for them.
The best thing I think you can tell them is that their dad made a mistake. Sometimes when you make bad mistakes, you didn\'t mean to, something just happened to make you do it. He is not a bad person. He loves them just the same as before, and always will.
Some of your family will be kind. Many won\'t. Most people will criticize him extensively and you too, for sticking it out with him. You have to do what YOU feel in your heart is what you need to do. NOT what anyone else thinks. They are not living in your life. If they had this happen to them, they would then see it a whole different way.
I have been involved in the justice system with my son AND my fiance MANY times for about 17 years, and it sucks.
The criticisms, the cruelty that people show us is terrible. I would never judge people, or hurt people the way some do to us. One day you are normal, you have your regular, normal life. Your friends and family LOVE him. Then bam, this happens and he is the mortal enemy and fair game for everyone to feel free to say as many rotten things as they can about them, and even you.
I got rid of those people in my life. I don\'t need them. I almost wish some of them could experience the same type of pain. No one is immune to these things happening. They just think they are.
The question then is, were they ever good friends, or loving family members? Or were they fake? You sort out who is important to you by who will stand by you, care about how you feel, and not condemn you or him.
You will learn to cope with all of this more as it goes along. You don\'t like it, you will be miserable for awhile, then learn to cope. It doesn\'t sound possible, but believe me, it does happen.
Sure I still cry, but less now. Sometimes I AM mad at him. Sometimes I just miss him and normal life.
I also don\'t like to be around happy couples. Because I can\'t have that yet.
Then when he gets home, people will be waiting for him to fail again. And that sets him off in a tailspin at times, where nothing he does works out and people won\'t give him a chance. They have to think, what if it were their son, or husband that people were so cruel to?
Don\'t feel guilty that you can\'t afford a lawyer. He knows you can\'t. Your main focus now is on your boys. And your husband will just have to deal with it.
Whether you stick it out with him, only you can decide that. And you have to think, ok, will I be happier if I just walk away from him? Will I stop loving him? Can I stop wondering how he is? I never could do that.
Mine is an alcoholic, and is bipolar. He goes off med\'s, he gets agitated, depressed and nuts. So he drinks. He hates the meds, they make him groggy and sick. Then he drives, and there we go, off to jail. No one in this wonderful court system has ever thought, Hey, this prison thing solves nothing, only screws them up worse.
Actually, they don\'t want to. It\'s a lie that they want to rehabilitate them. I took Criminal Justice classes for over a year. I had classes on HOW the justice system works, WHY they don\'t want to rehabilitate, and all about laws, that they get away with not going by, and about how prisons are really a money making industry that they can\'t change or lose lots of money.
As you get into this, if you decide to stick it out, you should study up on the criminal justice system. I did not do it to go into that line of work. Oh completely the opposite. I did it to learn what they can and can\'t do. What is illegal for them to do, but people don\'t know it. Very interesting reading how they are taught to run all of this, and the why\'s.
Doing these classes actually helped him out a few times. I would write to him in a letter, knowing they read them before he gets them... I would write to them which law, or statute they were going against by doing something they were to him. Miraculously, things would stop, and get better for him.
Ya gotta have your wits about you going through all this.
If I were younger, and had the money to do it, I would start up a prisoner\'s and prisoner\'s family support group(s) and an advocacy center, which helped people wrongly convicted and treated like crap in prison.
If I could do this I would have local chapters that would have meetings for the families of prisoner\'s, like AA has meetings. There are none anywhere for us. Just these online support groups.
Anyway, I am sorry you need this group, because that means another person, and family are hurting. But I am glad you are here.
I have been on here over 9 years, and it has truly helped me so many ways to get through the ordeals of having someone you love in prison. At one time my son AND my fiance were in at the same time.
Hey iam sorry that your hear but hear is a good place we do get it and no we don\'t judge.
Listen to ihate she is awesome and knows big time what she is talking about.