NEEDING HELP she has made it clear I am not to come. I know he loves his kids and of course he sayy
AS some of you know my husbands d@ughter who is 49, 4 years ago stated Texting me. Now we live 9 hours aoart and would see each other maybe 5 weekends a year. They visited us 2 times during 23 years of my marriage to her father. During this text she wrote she decided to let me know she is setting bounderies and I am not welcome to her home anymore. Also, she left it with her dad he could visit but not me so left him to make a decision. Me or her. She stated I would not let him visit without me and that her and her brother had told him on many times that he was to put me in my place....hello...so she made this decision and left her dad to make his. During the years he did try to contact her to come visit without me as he had already been doing but she would answer him in No This is our family like he didnt belong. Now we are 4 years down the road she or her brother has not called him for birthdays father days or etc. Now my hubby gets a text from our grandson so we would know he dropped out of his last year of college and went to the Marines and would we come to the graduation. We said of course. 2 days later hubby gets call and is told he can come but that I am not allowed....nothing has changed. Yes I think it is important for the grandsonbut he is 21 and should be making decisios not his mom. So we have tossed it over and over about hubby going. I know she can not keep me from going but hubby says i cant she will make a scene. I dont care if she does it is her that would look like the hateful person she is. As it stands today hubby has been texting her but
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Continue. He tries to make me feel guilty and says if it were your kids. If it were mine and knowing he has done nothing to hurt them I would tell them to apology and to show respect. As it stands now we are going to the grad, staying on the base, I am to stay in the motor home while hubby goes to grad. As I told hubby, he needs to take a stand that he and I are coming to grad. And she is to act respectable or I feel 4 years ago when he was forced to make the decision if he does not take a stand now he wasted 4 years....i only want to attend the grad for our grandson. What are all you that reads this think.
Thanks
I hope you can get this sorted out, Sandi, and I'm sorry that it has come to this. OY! You are asking what we think and for me my relationship with my husband comes first. I don't think I would want to do anything that caused extra stress and strain as that is most likely what his daughter hopes to accomplish. This IS all about HER and has nothing to do with YOU. I know it is so very hard to not take it personally, because it feels SO personal, yet if it wasn't you and it was another woman she would be having this same ego war going.
Let us know how this unfolds and we're with you. Try as difficult as it is to remember this is about your husband's daughter, not your husband and not you. She will not change her behavior and the only thing that can be changed and worked with is how you allow it to affect you. I am certainly not minimizing the hurt that this is causing, yet you don't have to engage in her "war." There are never any "winners' or "losers" when it comes to family dynamics such as you describe and it always a choice as to whether we choose to go to battle or not.
Gentle care and hugs,
XO Joanie
So so sorry to hear of this heartache. Your stepdaughter cannot for her reasons be a decent human. She is the loser but you can rise above her and make sure your husband is there for his children and grandchildren. He will so appreciate your taking the higher ground as I am sure he is hurt by how they have acted. Wishing for some peace for your family. Hugs, Kathy
Oh geez Sandy, what a situation!! I'm so sorry. I know this is so hurtful and frustrating for both you and your husband.
As I cannot give you advice on what YOU should do, I do know what I would do. NOTHING. Period. When someone so blatantly tells me I am not wanted, and even "not allowed"....well, darlin, that's all I need to know to honor their wishes. I won't beg (any longer...yep, I've begged in the past) to be a part of anyone's life. As far as your husband attending the graduation, I'd encourage him to go, but I'd be damned if I'd stay in the motor home or anywhere else "on the outside looking in"! HELL to the NO on that one!!! I think I'd probably book a massage, have a nice lunch with a girlfriend, and maybe even go shopping and splurge on myself while hubby was away, LOL!
Like you say, the grandson is 21 and is old enough to be making his own decisions, and I hope in the future he will reach out to both your husband and you and y'all can build a loving relationship. I'm sure he sees what his mom is doing and he will decide for himself one day how he wants things to go with you. And I'm sure he just wants to celebrate his life choice without drama, so he probably feels obligated to do as his mother wishes.
Sad situation all the way around. I'm truly sorry you're having to deal with this heartache.
Chin up girlfriend and KNOW that as JJ said, this truly has nothing to do with you...this is all about her. So, let her have her little drama without you being involved in any of it.
Take care my friend~
Teri
I so totally agree with your omments and through these years I have encouraged him to visit his kids. Excuse what you know I mean but I could give a flyin f what she does and care less to see any of his family. They are total bitches. I understand he needs to see his children but it is horrible it seems in our day and time it the children no matter the age that rules and parents set back and wonder what went wrong. My hubby says I didnt raise them to be like this for example...she calls me trailer trash have heard him through the years call his employees this. Just this past weel the gradson got demoted, oh they say your just being tested, at the same time he is calling his roommates trasg, that he is much higher than them...oh how sad that they all have been like this while learning from their parents. I do support my husband and those that have been in a good marriage I understand butas some of you know he has been pretty shitty to me through the years. Only the last 4 or 5 years have been decent. I not lieaving the marriage too old tostart over and it gets lonely. At this time due to his heart and meds there is no closeness. Just do thing together...its not bad now and I can deal with what we have. I have no desire to ask nor would I beg to be with them. As most of you know no one can hurt us we have had the ultimate pain losing our child. I am just appalled at their actions.. as far as staying in our motor home with my puppy is my life. I love the coach and I love my Abby. I just wondered if others felt she is just a selfishbitch....i have a very nice home, a 300,00 motor home, a pool, hot tub...and money so I am fine. I will at this point take yours advice and leave them out of my life. Much happier with out them in it. The things they have done through the 23 years I have known them has been outrages. So he can as I have told him visit at times them we will live our lives. I have just never known people like this. I know they will not change. I am not their judger. I know best for me is stay as far away from them as possible. I feel a bit of meanness as we are camping on the base,hope she gets a glimpes of me being happy so she can be whatever...i am going just cause I want to go somewhere in our coach, see the Carolines. Thanks for letting me vent...love to you all. Is the retreat in Tx and where, thanks
Just continue to take the best care of yourself that you can, Sandi, however that might look and feel. Sharing these stressful life experiences helps because even though none of us have "answers" nor do you need that, just feeling as if you are not carrying all of this by yourself IS the healing I have found.
The retreat is in San Antonio and the retreat committee has been hard at work for months now. It is going to be such a special time and of course, SA is such a great place to land.
Gentle, gentle care as you feel all that you need to and can offer over the rest. As long as you feel good about yourself and that you are in alignment with your truth that is what matters.
XO Joanie
Family drama is ugly. I hope you can be gentle on yourself. You are what matters, your hubby loves you. I understand this hurts I also have grandchildren, they are precious. I hope you come through this without scars.
Sending you tight hugs
Penny
I agree with Joanie and Teri 100%. I would just stay away and let your do his thing. That would be satisfying to her if you went and then she started chaos. For me personally I would just do my own thing and let your hubby go to his daughters.
Take care of you right now.
Joan xoxoxo
FYI, I stayed home, hubby went. He text his daughter, she never text or contact him first. I am staying out of it. I say good luck to them. I am happy my family is not that way. I feel there is tension between us as something was mentioned about him going back before we go to TX. Not happening. $1000.00 trip, No more for a while. When and if it comes up, I will just say its too much money right now with Christmas coming....Thanks all who wrote..