Needing help, but not sure how.
My life has seemed not worth living for quite some time now.
Yes there are things and people that make me happy and smile, but often these are tainted, or out of reach or an exercise in futility so ultimately, what is the point?
I am about to start retelling my experiences in present tense in my CBT therapy this week coming, and I've been told that I need to think about what success would be. What do I want to achieve from this bit of therapy? Honestly I don't know. It's hard to think about goals when I'm not sure I even see the point in living, even if this therapy did help there is still so much to consider and all things brought together is there really a point in carrying on? My CBT therapist also wants me to go back on anti-depressants but I really don't know if I want too.
I have reached scary levels where I have been conducting research into suicide methods and making hypothetical plans. It should bother me more than it does, I think. I am aware that it is a bad sign but I seem to lack the reasoning to understand just how bad and stop. I'm also still cutting intermittently, it seems to be the only thing that helps when I'm on my own like I am now.
I had a fairly major breakdown last night. A friend came over to hang out and we were just talking and having a couple of drinks. Then it was just what must have been at least 12 hours of him taking care of me while I talked, cried, shook, stared blankly, rocked back and forth, lost all real sense of proportion... I just cycled through all kinds of waves of symptoms and I feel so fragile and weak now. He didn't want to leave me on my own so he stayed for a long time, until I told him I wanted to try and take a shower, that I'd send him a message to let him know I was safe and that I needed to know that I could be on my own after that, because if he stayed all weekend I was worried I'd not be able to manage on my own later.
I'm on my own now, and I still feel weak and awful and miserable. On top of that I'm embarrassed that I was seen in such a state and I feel terrible about the people I've let down whilst in this state and the plans I've had to cancel, not to mention that my friend is now worried and was probably very hungry and tired when I eventually sent him home. I really appreciated his company, and I know that on my own I'd have been a real danger to myself, so I think I'm quite grateful. But I was so aware that I wished I could just lay there and cut myself, that my appreciation is a bit limited, but I know that is wrong and I do feel badly about that.
He wants me to stop cutting. This is what got me thinking, people want me to take pills, stop cutting and not kill myself. But what if they are wrong on this occasion? What if the cutting really isn't a big deal, it gets me by, it only hurts me if I keep it from them... and what if killing myself really is the best thing for me? What if they are wrong when they say that I can have a good life. What if I'm just not that fortunate, and I am right when I think I might end up wasting my time suffering when I could just peacefully disappear and not have to suffer any more? I'm almost at the stage where I think that the people that would be hurt by my death would be very very sad, but one day they will wake up and it'll be easier and their lives will go on and they will get over it?
I feel bad about the things I'm writing, but I need to be honest.
I am hurting, badly. I feel this overwhelming need for something and I don't know what it is. I'm very painfully numb apart from this uncomfortable urge inside me for something, but I don't know what it is. It's very unsettling and frustrating and I really don't want to be alone right now, but I am, and all the people I think would be here if I called, are the same people I feel like I can't ask. I really need to hurt myself, but my mum is coming tomorrow to take care of me and I don't want to hurt her even more than this is already going to.
I really don't think I want to live for very long.
I am just in too much pain, and it is just too hard, only about to get much, much harder from here. I just don't think I have it in me.
Yes there are things and people that make me happy and smile, but often these are tainted, or out of reach or an exercise in futility so ultimately, what is the point?
I am about to start retelling my experiences in present tense in my CBT therapy this week coming, and I've been told that I need to think about what success would be. What do I want to achieve from this bit of therapy? Honestly I don't know. It's hard to think about goals when I'm not sure I even see the point in living, even if this therapy did help there is still so much to consider and all things brought together is there really a point in carrying on? My CBT therapist also wants me to go back on anti-depressants but I really don't know if I want too.
I have reached scary levels where I have been conducting research into suicide methods and making hypothetical plans. It should bother me more than it does, I think. I am aware that it is a bad sign but I seem to lack the reasoning to understand just how bad and stop. I'm also still cutting intermittently, it seems to be the only thing that helps when I'm on my own like I am now.
I had a fairly major breakdown last night. A friend came over to hang out and we were just talking and having a couple of drinks. Then it was just what must have been at least 12 hours of him taking care of me while I talked, cried, shook, stared blankly, rocked back and forth, lost all real sense of proportion... I just cycled through all kinds of waves of symptoms and I feel so fragile and weak now. He didn't want to leave me on my own so he stayed for a long time, until I told him I wanted to try and take a shower, that I'd send him a message to let him know I was safe and that I needed to know that I could be on my own after that, because if he stayed all weekend I was worried I'd not be able to manage on my own later.
I'm on my own now, and I still feel weak and awful and miserable. On top of that I'm embarrassed that I was seen in such a state and I feel terrible about the people I've let down whilst in this state and the plans I've had to cancel, not to mention that my friend is now worried and was probably very hungry and tired when I eventually sent him home. I really appreciated his company, and I know that on my own I'd have been a real danger to myself, so I think I'm quite grateful. But I was so aware that I wished I could just lay there and cut myself, that my appreciation is a bit limited, but I know that is wrong and I do feel badly about that.
He wants me to stop cutting. This is what got me thinking, people want me to take pills, stop cutting and not kill myself. But what if they are wrong on this occasion? What if the cutting really isn't a big deal, it gets me by, it only hurts me if I keep it from them... and what if killing myself really is the best thing for me? What if they are wrong when they say that I can have a good life. What if I'm just not that fortunate, and I am right when I think I might end up wasting my time suffering when I could just peacefully disappear and not have to suffer any more? I'm almost at the stage where I think that the people that would be hurt by my death would be very very sad, but one day they will wake up and it'll be easier and their lives will go on and they will get over it?
I feel bad about the things I'm writing, but I need to be honest.
I am hurting, badly. I feel this overwhelming need for something and I don't know what it is. I'm very painfully numb apart from this uncomfortable urge inside me for something, but I don't know what it is. It's very unsettling and frustrating and I really don't want to be alone right now, but I am, and all the people I think would be here if I called, are the same people I feel like I can't ask. I really need to hurt myself, but my mum is coming tomorrow to take care of me and I don't want to hurt her even more than this is already going to.
I really don't think I want to live for very long.
I am just in too much pain, and it is just too hard, only about to get much, much harder from here. I just don't think I have it in me.
Replies
Thank you for posting this journal entry. There is so much going on for you, and you shouldn\'t be alone with this. In fact, I would urge you to write a post on the PTSD board or the sexual abuse board either detailing what you\'ve written here, or, since you have no privacy filter on your account, sending them here to read about it. There is no reason for you to be alone with all this stuff. You are NOT alone - so many of us can relate to aspects of your experience. And when we see someone as young as you are, we want all the more to reach out and offer you support in healing.
I am really concerned about you doing this proposed course of therapy. Does your therapist know how suicidal you are? This seems like a dangerous course of action. Just anticipating it seems to have sent you into a harrowing flashback. I\'m so sorry you had to go through that. I\'m really glad your friend was there for you. Even though he might have been tired and hungry, I\'m sure it meant a lot to him to be able to be there for you like that. You honored him by trusting him that much. I can imagine how uncomfortable it was for you ... but please remember that good-hearted people get a lot of joy from being able to support someone they care about.
As for killing yourself, there\'s no way that people who love you could get over that. They will be wondering for the rest of their lives what they could and should have done differently. And it\'s just too soon to take that step. There is more understanding and more effective treatment for PTSD and the aftermath of trauma than ever before. You haven\'t had a whole lot of treatment yet and you have almost no distance from your childhood and teens. Therefore I really beg you to hold on for some more time and try to find more effective treatment.
But I don\'t think reliving your traumas in the state you\'re in now is a good plan at all. I think you should cancel that treatment - tell them straight out that you\'re afraid you\'ll kill yourself if you go through it. Don\'t give up - we will try to find something gentle and supportive to help you heal without further trauma.
Thank you so much for all your support Donna, I found this really helpful as always, you really are fantastic. I\'m a bit nervous about posting in the PTSD group, there are so many people going through so much that I don\'t want to upset anyone... I\'ll have a think about it though, thank you.
I\'ve been really nervous about the therapy too. I went along again today and we\'ll be starting properly on the 25th. We\'re starting small, we talked about the origins of some of my behavioral traits and some of my earliest painful memories, they are fairly mild so she is asking me to write them down for her to read and she will highlight \"hot-spots\" for me to talk over in more detail with her and do the treatment. This will be like a practice, if I find this too hard she\'s going to refer me to a \"compassion based focus group\" which is gentler and focuses a lot on relieving feelings of shame.
She knows a bit about how I\'m feeling because I have to fill in forms before each session where I rate how my problems have been effecting me on a scale and one of the questions relates to thoughts of self-harm or suicide and we tend to discuss it, I let myself down a little today because I found it hard to be honest about how bad it\'s got lately and didn\'t tell her what I\'d done.
I know you\'re right and maybe this is going to be too hard, especially at the moment, but I\'ve been waiting so long on the waiting list and I want to feel like I\'m doing something about it so badly. I\'ve been painting a lot of my feelings which has helped a little but I\'m still much the same...
It really means a lot that you look out for me like this. I really feel your support and it makes so much difference having you to talk to. I\'ll never be able to thank you enough. You\'re amazing. Your family is so blessed to have you. xxxx