needing advice
I have been put in this situation a few times since Eddie passed on 9/4/09. I have been with relatives, coworkers or female friends who chat happily about all their upcoming plans regarding their children, (usually adult children). Like so & so's coming for Mother's Day, so & so's coming home from school, etc, etc. My only child is in Heaven & it hurts me to hear everyone's plans for the future & so I usually remove myself from the situation if I can. The other piece of this is that noone is doing anything wrong. They have their lives & should be able to talk about events with their children. And I don't want people to whisper or be uncomfortable around me, but I don't know how to act/react. These people all know that Eddie has passed & truly they are doing nothing wrong or hurtful. It just hurts. Help/advice wanted here. Thank you. :)
Replies
Linda, this is a tough one. It hurts you and yet it is normal for others to chat about their lives. Perhaps when you are with them YOU should talk about Eddie. Share and relate similar stories about when he WAS in this existence. It may make you feel better, it reminds them of his absence and may give them permission to ask you about Eddie and how you are feeling. I have found that if I talk about Alex...so will other people. Love you bunches...Karen
Hi Karen, Thank you so much. I just couldn\'t see the forest for the trees. Why can\'t I still talk about similar stories? I can & I do love talking about Eddie. His light still deserves to shine. Very helpful,wise & beautiful lady. Hugs, Linda
Lind my husband is going through this now as well. His business partners talk about their families (as you say, this is totally normal), but he is starting to feel very bitter and left out during these conversations. It isn\'t always possible for him to exit himself from these episodes, so I look forward to any advice that others may have for all of us. Thanks for bringing up this topic.
I know its really hard sometimes. I am a manager @ Head Start. I am one of eight managers; all of whom are women & moms. I also meet with families as part of my job.At first at manager\'s meetings I would look around at these women whose children are still on this earth & wonder why life dealt me this blow, (wouldn\'t wish it on anyone though). I feel I\'ve worked through some of it, but when the other managers go on & on about their children (and they have a right to)sometimes I have to fight back the tears if I can\'t escape the meeting. I like Karen\'s advice - hope I can be in shape enough not to cry, but I very much like the idea of talking about similar stories. Love to you and your husband. Please tell him I sympathize with him. Hugs..
I agree with Karen, I do talk about Morgan. When she was at school, or anything. I have such close friends that I have told them, one to one,,some days it hurts to hear about their children, but if I do get upset, I can tell them and we change the conversation. peace, Nora
Nora, Thats a good idea. I should just be proactive & tell people how I may react. Thank you.
fully understandable, and I\'ve been there. At the beginning, I mentally left the conversation and thought about my Matthew, zoned out I guess, just couldn\'t deal with it but didn\'t want to be rude. My rock if he was around would always change the subject...he\'s so sweet -- and there not doing anything wrong, at times with certain people it\'s just insensitive. My boss\' sons were recently in a car accident and she was so kind as to send pictures of their totalled corvette to me, such sensitivity, such awareness. You will find what your comfortable with. Love and hugs, Lynette
Sometimes we do get put in uncomfortable situations. Karen always has wonderful advice and this time is no different. I could talk endlessly about my son and most times I join the conversation and talk about him. It takes time and patience t be able to see others intact families and not feel a little resentment or hurt. I\'m getting better but still that little green monster creeps up on me too. Love to you. Robin
Thank you for your comments. It helps a lot. Love all of you, Linda
Don\'t feel bad. I am down right jealous of my friends who have their sons. They say things like \"sometimes I just want to kill him!\", it causes me to cringe and I usually say something like \"don\'t ever say that\". They are sometimes thoughtless and stupid with their words. I know they are just joking but to me it is no joke at all. I am right with you on this one. It is very hard to not be green with envy. Love to you~Julie
So true Julie; I am envious. It helps to know at times we all have these feelings. Hugs, Linda
Linda, this will happen over and over. It\'s good that you understand them, and they can\'t help talking about their precious children. I have just learned to talk about my sweet Nathan right along with them, like he was still here. Yes, it\'s bittersweet, but I still get an opportunity to bring him up whenever they bring up their children. I have so many stories and memories to share, just as they do. Love and hugs, Danette
Hi Danette, I agree. This is yhe way I am going to handle the situation as I am sure it will be coming up the rest of my life, bittersweet as it is. Love to you, Linda
Hi Linda, thank you for bringing this up so we can all realize how common this issue is. I too cringe, Julie, when people say thoughtlessly harsh/casual things about their kids. But they\'re normal too... they obviously have NO idea how lucky they are to just be able to take it for granted that they will have normal day after normal day. Sigh.
Sending love and hugs ~ Sarah
Its so true Sarah, people just live their lives and aren\'t aware how lucky they are. Love and Hugs to you too. Linda