Need your thoughts on this
I think this journal entry of mine is going to make me feel a bit ashamed of myself and perhaps...you of me...having seen me go so much ahead just to go far far back in this journey !
But I just have to write this and share it. A few days back, as I was vacationing at my sister's, I had a major break down that saw me back to step 1 in this journey. I have come a pretty long way and done quite well in regaining my life...or so I thought. But then...this happened :
I was on a long drive back to my sister's place which gave my brain enough time to think about the past. So, the next day, my sister and I discussed the niggling doubt I had regarding the marriage breakdown...how far was I at fault??
She answered in her usual practical, matter of fact manner that she has spoken to the ex year back when trying to patch things up between him and me. And what he told her...with which she agrees with too...is that he had just stop liking me and wanted out but could not leave cos every time he thought of doing so, I would have some health issue! According to him , which me sister seemed to agree with was that the OW coming into his life was mainly incidental...he wanted out and the OW showed him the way out. In short, he had just stopped liking me, could no longer bear my very nature.
I nodded my head at the time and got into buckets of tears the next day: was I really that bad a person ( as he described me) ? Yes, sure, I can be quite difficult at times, stubborn, depressed, angry....oh..wow...the list does go on. But I can be a good person--have been one too..and try to be one now as well.
But this conversation with my sister...which at an earlier point would have got me saying " rubbish...he said all that (that I was just a bad person, who he could no longer like, leave alone love) was just a facade to excuse his inexcusable behaviour of leaving his family for another woman"...
But this time, this got to me ! It got me back to wondering about whether the cause for this marriage breakdown...the worst impact of which is my daughter growing up without both her parents together...was her father leaving us for another woman or was it because I had become/was so unlikeable to him ??
This happened 2 days back...I was in a mess...couldn't stop crying. Today...I am feeling better. More in control and hence am writing this is a 'reporting' style as i wanted it off my chest.
Would really like your thoughts on this. I know I have slipped backwards and I need your help please.
But I just have to write this and share it. A few days back, as I was vacationing at my sister's, I had a major break down that saw me back to step 1 in this journey. I have come a pretty long way and done quite well in regaining my life...or so I thought. But then...this happened :
I was on a long drive back to my sister's place which gave my brain enough time to think about the past. So, the next day, my sister and I discussed the niggling doubt I had regarding the marriage breakdown...how far was I at fault??
She answered in her usual practical, matter of fact manner that she has spoken to the ex year back when trying to patch things up between him and me. And what he told her...with which she agrees with too...is that he had just stop liking me and wanted out but could not leave cos every time he thought of doing so, I would have some health issue! According to him , which me sister seemed to agree with was that the OW coming into his life was mainly incidental...he wanted out and the OW showed him the way out. In short, he had just stopped liking me, could no longer bear my very nature.
I nodded my head at the time and got into buckets of tears the next day: was I really that bad a person ( as he described me) ? Yes, sure, I can be quite difficult at times, stubborn, depressed, angry....oh..wow...the list does go on. But I can be a good person--have been one too..and try to be one now as well.
But this conversation with my sister...which at an earlier point would have got me saying " rubbish...he said all that (that I was just a bad person, who he could no longer like, leave alone love) was just a facade to excuse his inexcusable behaviour of leaving his family for another woman"...
But this time, this got to me ! It got me back to wondering about whether the cause for this marriage breakdown...the worst impact of which is my daughter growing up without both her parents together...was her father leaving us for another woman or was it because I had become/was so unlikeable to him ??
This happened 2 days back...I was in a mess...couldn't stop crying. Today...I am feeling better. More in control and hence am writing this is a 'reporting' style as i wanted it off my chest.
Would really like your thoughts on this. I know I have slipped backwards and I need your help please.
Replies
It takes courage to share your feelings and doubts---especially the ones that hurt...I am proud of you. Don\'t get discouraged---I recently had an episode right before Mother\'s Day that threw me back to step one---gut hurting and all---So I completely understand where you are coming from. You are not at fault for the marriage breakdown---it happened---it happens to good people all the time....remember, it has to do with the spouse\'s view on life---you cannot be blamed---I\'ve come to the conclusion that some people cannot find happiness with one person, some people cannot nurture a love that lasts a lifetime---some people are just pain selfish. We have a hard time understanding and accepting this because we are the kind of people who want to have a life partner---one partner---someone to build with, someone to lean on, someone to share all the hardships and pleasure of life with. We are happy with one person and we are content with our lives---but unfortunately, not all people are like that---there are so many people who constantly are looking at the other side of the fence---they blame other people for their moral lapses or their debt or what they did not accomplish---some people look to others to make them happy, never realizing that it is up to themselves to make them happy and no one can do that for them----they will jump from relationship to relationship throughout their lifetime never appreciating the people they have in their lives. You are not an unlikeable person, your ex just couldn\'t see past his own issues to see how wonderful you are and how special and sacred his family was. I remember when my hubby left me---I was so distraught that everyone always said how nice of a person I was and yet, my husband left me--- the problem with my thinking was that the problem was not with me, it was how the hubby perceived life---he felt like he was missing the party, he was stuck in a financial rut and the only thing he could change was his marriage---he learned his error down the road---but the pain and damage was done. Horrible to go through...as we both know. I let the past grab at me too from time to time----we are only human....know in your heart you are a great person, an awesome mom and no one can take that from you! Lots of hugs your way!!!!
:) Glo
I have found that searching for answers sends one down a rabbit hole. You either don\'t get answers or the answers lead to more questions. It\'s normal to wonder.....you want to be sure not to make the same mistake again. I agree with rorschachsgirl, some people go from person to person looking for someone to make them feel good. I don\'t know your EX or if that is the case, but I would bet he will find himself back in the same boat again over time with the new wife when things get monotonous. Then he will realize that is how it is with relationships, they ebb and flow.
Hi Aditi, I am sorry I had not seen that you had written a journal entry until tonight. and a very honest one it is too, and don\'t ever feel bad about having a bad spell now and again. We all do for some reason or another.
By the way, thank you for the hug. So nice to hear from you again. I have had a hectic couple of weeks with all my kids home for a visit. It was a wild but fun time, and so special to have them all around for a few days. So I did not really have much time on here. Life is interesting but full of all sorts of challenges. Some good and some not so good. But I suppose that is life.
Now to comment on your journal entry.......the fact that your ex no longer wanted to be with you does not make you not a likeable or loveable person. It is more about him and his perception of you than about who you are. For all you know he may have initially liked or loved his own fantasy or idea of who he thought you were, and never really made the effort to truly know and appreciate you as a person, and then after time his fantasy faded and he found he was married to someone other than who he thought you should be.
I say this because of the example of what I have realised happened in my case - in all honesty I think I married my husband thinking of him as the person I felt he had the potential to be, and not the reality of who he really was. So over time he never matched up to what I thought he could be and it became harder and harder to like him. That is my part in where I was wrong in my marriage partner choice, which doesn\'t excuse his addictions and abusive behaviour, but some of the fault of the failure of our marriage was mine also.
So please don\'t take all of the blame on yourself now that your sister has told you this information. I honestly believe it takes 2 to make a marriage work, and so if the marriage fails there can often be some fault on both sides.
However there is also no point spending hours days and weeks beating up on ourselves about the why and wherefore of the end of our marriages, but it is better to rather focus our energy on now being the healthiest and happiest person we can be, so that we can enjoy living out the rest of our lives to the fullest.
(((((hugs)))) my dear friend. I am sorry this response is so long and wordy, but hopefully there will be something worthwhile you will get from what I wrote.