Need to express

This AM I was angry with T and sort of stuffed it and of course it came out, basically I gave in when I had other plans, and then I wouldn't admit I was upset.  So I was kind of throwing in everthing but the kitchen sink of issues my little brain is dealing with.  And yeah I am not met with the most nurturing with this situation in my relationship.  I am realizing yeah his lack of boundaries is bound to influence our relationship, I mean he is bound to violate my boundaries, and when that happened I was like, I set the boundary and you crossed it, so then I threw in all this other stuff that's buggin me!  Yeah.  So. Anyway.  I came into the village neighborhood and walked which worked wonders, and decided to use my volunteer work computer for help - to come here and get over it.  I cried.  I am dealing with relationships stuff, if you want to call it that. 
He came to the Al Anon meeting, and Mom came to another one both this week so that was a way to extend grace and the program and be unselfish to allow it, knowing I could say no to have my space- but they need it as much as I do and they don't know it, same as when I was new.  Anyway it's MY program..  So.  Oddness - keep the focus on me.
So the relationship stuff is like, hey, lay off the objectifying other women in our meeting which I don't think he gets, that I don't want to hear about it.  His comments. Then sort of justifying my anger by reminding him when I was a newcomer he "seduced" me - he is talking about these attractive newcomer women and asked if I left because I was jealous he was there when they are the other night, I said no, but inside I guess I am a bit.  I finally was like, this morning, I don't want to hear anymore.  Then after he told me he said to his friend he didn't need to go to a strip club, just go to that meeting - anyway I guess he was kidding, but I told him he crossed my boundary.  He'd told me weeks back he's not used to being with someone who has boundaries, he never has.  So then I bring in feeling like a sex object, that I'm not used to having sex w/ someone who doesn't love me.  The love issue is coming up.  He said I can't force it.  I said I know, I can't make him love me, I just may be wasting my time with someone who doesn't love me when there may be someone out there who could love me.  I think it was very honest of me.  See the other night he said 'love you' and I didn't return it and told him the next day, and he doesn't remember saying it, and I keep having wish fulfillment dreams of us telling eachother and I told him.  During intimacy I felt like I love him - I don't know what love is, maybe it was lust and attachment.
Fact is I'm using his truck and helping a bit with his payments and helping less these day with transporting his son, and I'm anticipating the intimacy may feel more strained because yeah I guess I have that loving feeling and I'm not sure it's returned, I mean I don't think so - I know men have harder time expressing feelings, anyway.  And I find myself drawn to certain other men at times.  When I went to hotsprings I got into conversation with one who was clearly attracted, I didn't pursue it which is probably a good thing. Anyway.
I am helping set up a going away party for a program friend - I asked him if anyone was having one, no, so lets do it!  Good feeling.  Made flyers and called some people and coming up with ideas.
Last night more tears after sis held bday party for nephew and my teen niece and him are in the party lifestyle, niece with empty liquor bottles lining her window sill, and sis and bf are drinking, though he's in NA - good he's in program, but it's stated there Alcohol is a drug.  So!  They were all at a party till 3am the night before.  He's 15 today and she's 17.  It's so ODD.  I felt loss because they used to be a church going family and her husb is not there anymore and they are not the wholesome family I thought, and mom said she was quite sad after, too. Not a safe haven like I used to view it when I was deep in my addiction.  Just a shock the kids these days and there 'sleeze' dance and just the booze topic of my niece, I felt like they are not supportive.  Sponsor said afterward when I called her, to move onto the next thing and be in the moment - I was grateful to have volunteer work last night, very.  She also said I don't need to go there if I feel uncomfortable.  True.  In some ways I'm glad I stayed at the party despite feeling very awkward with things, I became more comfy.
Work lined up, some fun temp stuff so we'll see - take it day by day.
Went to hotsprings which was amazing, such a great day, so healing for my skin.  Fasted last week 3 days juice/veggies/fruit which was so easy this time and highly needed, and ended in work offers which was a real boost to me.  Made chicken noodle soup for parents and T and his son and roomie.
Today I am going to own my feelings even if there not honored or acknowledged by others - counselor has helped me in the past own how hard that is to do.  It is up to ME to act on them.  Truth is with this job lined up I may need T's car, but I can make his payments and choose to not get intimate if I so desire, or do it and compromise myself at this point unless what I said sinks in and anything comes up - like what?  I doubt it!