Need Prayers & Good Thoughts for Struggling Baby

If you have experienced miscarriage and are looking to read something that can help the heaviness that you feel in your soul...please feel free to scroll down to where I wrote out some book excerpts.  I am finding those excerpts to be very comforting.  That there is a purpose even when we think there is none.
As many of you know, my husband and I have had two pregnancy losses in the past year (December 2012 and April 2013).  We have continued to try to get pregnant and each month that has passed has been so heartbreaking.
So imagine our surprise when on December 1st at midnight I took a pregnancy test somewhat on a whim....mostly on a hope...and saw the darkest positive pregnancy result.  It was midnight.  And I ran to the bathroom where my husband was taking a shower (he didn't even know I was going to take a test) and mouthed the words I'm pregnant!  I'll never forget that moment or the joy and surprise in his face.
I could hardly sleep that night.  I know how long it takes to get out of the woods in a pregnancy....this past year has really shown me that.  But I couldn't help my excitement.  This little one deserved to be celebrated.  I immediately got out my "pregnancy wheel" to see when baby would be due.  August 9th.  We were ecstatic.
The next day we were at my parents' house picking up our 7 year old daughter and I was alone with my parents near their Christmas tree and I told them I am pregnant.  We cried tears of joy.
Pregnancy loss has taught me that a baby deserves to be celebrate the moment it is known. There is no waiting for the second trimester for me because I never know if the second trimester will arrive.  And it's not just based on gloomy thinking....the reality is a baby really does deserve to be celebrated the moment it is known.  IF you feel comfortable sharing with others.  This is a personal decision.
I can't fully explain the amount of anxiety that happens in a subsequent pregnancy after losses.  Many of you, unfortunately, are familiar with this.
Yet you know the baby deserves to be growing in a calm body.  So I tried and would pass the time during the day while my daughter was at school by watching daytime television, editing and trying to take my mind off my worries.
Passing my period due date was a milestone.  
I got past that and then 2 days later I was worried because I took another pregnancy test and the line was lighter.  And that was with a first morning's urine.  And I thought my breasts felt less sore.  This was December 6th. I was so sure I was miscarrying.  I felt like a shell of a person walking into the hospital to get my first beta test.  I was so sure something was wrong.
The hours passed slowly as I awaited the results.  And then I realized my breasts really did still hurt :)  They called and my first beta was 2,081.
Imagine that.  This blew all "hpt lighter line means less  pregnant" theories out of the water.  I will never buy into that theory again.  It caused me unnecessary angst.  Because here my level was TWO THOUSAND EIGHTY ONE and hpts usually register a level of at least 25.
I got off the phone and trembled as I cried tears of joy.  Because my first beta last year was 15.
My second beta with this current pregnancy was 6,078.  Things were moving right along.
The worries would come back.  The what ifs.  The analysis of symptoms.  
But over time I became slightly more relaxed.  And really believed this was going to be our baby....the one that makes it.  It felt like the timing was right.  Because I had been dreading the holiday season since our first pregnancy loss occurred during the holiday season last year.
And it felt like a new chapter....a new beginning.  And that maybe our angel baby from last year was sending us this new baby to fill our hearts with joy.
I also have had a lot more pregnancy symptoms with this baby than I had with the last two.  In fact, very reminiscent of my pregnancy with my daughter Brooke 8 years ago.  This felt encouraging.  Exhausted, nauseous, dizzy, very very painful breasts.
Things started to feel different on 12/16 when we went for our first ultrasound and there was not a heartbeat yet.  Based on my lmp, I was 5 weeks 4 days and baby measured 5 weeks 5 days.  This seemed perfect.  But the dr. said he would've felt more reassured if there was a heartbeat but that he is not pessimistic and we are still within the right timeframe.  And it might just be too early.
I ovulated early.  So rather than being 5 weeks 4 days at this time they had felt (especially with the high betas) that I was really 6 weeks 1 day at this point.  So now there is this discussion of dates and it is reminding me of last year all over again.  Well maybe you ovulated later than you think.
But I do know when I ovulated....or at least have a very good idea of when I did.
I still tried to believe that it was too early for a heartbeat.  And I was thrilled that there was a baby in there :)  Because last year having a blighted ovum and an empty sac for weeks was so heartbreaking.
This felt encouraging.  Things were going better.
I was supposed to get my next scan 12/27 but I couldn't handle waiting that long so we moved it up to 12/23.
With hindsight....this was actually a big mistake.  Because this was one day before Christmas and what happened on 12/23 completely destroyed Christmas (once again) for my husband and me.  We can barely function.
On Monday (12/23) the baby showed growth of only 2 days within 7 days and while we got to see the most beautiful heartbeat (I could have watched it all day)...it was on the low side....100.
The dr. said it is probably a 50/50 situation and he is leaning towards the pessimistic side of 50% unfortunately.  That these situations CAN work out but more often they do not.
This is getting long and the point of this journal is I am asking for any prayers and good thoughts that you may have to offer up.
So I will spare you the awful details of how excruciating it was to get through Christmas with parties and Christmas music and jollyness.  It felt like hell on earth for us because our baby may be dying.
It is painful to even exist right now.  To wake up each morning and remember all over again what might be happening to us....for the third time.  It's surreal and sometimes I am in denial.  Sometimes I am unrealistically hopeful.  But most of the time I am gripped my depression and sadness.
We went back for another scan yesterday and while the baby did grow 3 days within the last 4 days...the heartrate has dropped to 90.
So the odds of baby surviving are now 20% :(  I can't help at times not getting focused on "3 days of growth within the last 4 days".....and just hearing the semi good part of the news and ignoring the 20%.
But the reality is baby is still measuring several days behind and the heart rate is not only not increasing...but it has decreased.
The surprising part to hear was that if baby did survive....he/she would probably not be negatively affected by this and this would just be a variation of growth and he/she would catch up.
If baby does not survive, this is probably due to a chromosome issue.  And this time I want to find out what was wrong and I also want to know baby's gender.
We go back for our next scan on 12/31...which is sadly the "would be" due date of the baby we lost in April.
A couple weeks ago, this is not how I envisioned New Year's Eve feeling.  I thought this baby would thrive and we would have something to celebrate as we turned to a new year.
A lot of what is happening is so surreal and unfathomable for me.
If you have the time....the desire.....please pray for our baby and for us.  Or offer up good thoughts.  We can use all the positive energy in the world right now.
We are hoping for a miracle but also knowing we may be faced with loss again.
I am comforted by these excerpts in the book "Your Soul's Gift" by Robert Schwartz:
"You have, for the time you had that child within you, cradled your own soul and the soul of the child.  Their love for you remains with you.  Do not look at it in a small frame of reference.  Take your energy, your love, everything you would have given to that child, and give it elsewhere......The energy of motherhood and fatherhood...please treat it as one of the most profound gifts you can bring to the world.  It is the touch of God in humanity.  Do not waste the gift by believing that if you have a miscarriage you are bad......The energy is never a miscarriage; the energy is your opportunity to reach out and be as the Finger of God touching another in love.  The love that you give another is the love that knits the wounds of the world.  You all have it."
"Why do souls seek the experience of miscarriage?  Beyond the desire to cultivate self-forgiveness, many souls plan a miscarriage to develop compassion.  When hearts are broken open through grief, profound compassion may emerge.  The soul of the miscarried child is in loving service to the parents, gifting them with the opportunity to choose compassion over anger, bitterness, and blame.  When they choose compassion for themselves and each other, the bereaved parents literally raise the vibration of the entire planet.  Those parents chose courageously before they were born to serve the world in this way, and Spirit reveres them for that choice."
"When a woman wants a child and tries and tries and miscarries, why does she not shrug her shoulders and say Oh well, I suppose not?  How many times does the woman go through fertilization and rounds with the doctor and everything she can to call the soul to her and her husband?  A miscarriage can teach resilience, hope, belief in the Self, and eternal forgiveness.  The woman who has miscarriages and does not blame herself can model that for others."