need encouragement

I've been on 200mg of sertraline for 9 years and then in March started tapering down to 50mg bc my husband and I wanted to see if I could get off meds in case we decided to get pregnant. I was best when I was above the 50 dose, but was still able to feel ok on 50 but with some more downs than on the high doses. But i figured i'd ride it out.

I got a new job in the beginning of November and the week leading up i started noticing my anxiety/depression creeping back and i was abnormally nervous to start work, for no apparent reason. Then it hit me really really hard the first day and I didnt even know if i could make it in the second day bc of crippling anxiety. I cried the whole first week and was so confused bc there was nothing wrong with the job or people, so I knew it must've been the anxiety coming back for sure.

My psychiatrist told me that i have a chemical imbalance since I've had anxiety/depression since I was 14. I treated it with Zoloft then and it went away in a month, then again when I started college and it went away pretty quickly. Each time, I was able to wean off and live without medication feeling 100% for years.

But 9 years ago, I moved to LA from NJ and got it really bad. I had agoraphobia for a few months and resisted taking medication. I finally succumbed but this time, it had taken so much longer to feel the effects. I went up to 200 over a few months and I finally started to feel better. But not better enough to wean off so I stayed on 200 for 9 years, until this year.

After a week of feeling miserable in the beginning of November, my psychiatrist told me that I relapsted bc I went down on my medication and that I should go back up. She had me increase slowly back up to 200mg over a 4 week period and I hardly feel better. I was able to sleep in the beginning but now, I can only sleep with xanax. The days that I have better sleep, I feel like I'm definitely making progress and am so hopeful. But then a bad night of sleep, and I'm in the dumps for days. Those days it feels like I'm not even on medication because I feel no releif.

I increased to 200mg last night.  Today I was so tired at work and on the verge of tears bc I'm scared I'll have to quit and stay home to get better. I'm a writer at an ad agency and sometimes it just gets really hard to concentrate on my work. But some days it DOES help to be distracted.

Today I'm feeling super duper defeated and worried that the medication won't help and I'll just blame it on my job even though I know that's not the real reason. It's like I have anxiety/depression glasses on and I see everything through them.

 I just want to feel like myself again but I'm losing hope:(