Needy

Boy, I've just had this wash of neediness today.  Near lunch my officemates were both on the phone, talking too loud, so I went downstairs to get away.  I bought this book and went to sit on a bench outside.  It is a beautiful day.  It reminded me of earlier in my professional life -- that is, entry-level life, where I clung fiercely to every second of my one-hour lunch breaks and didn't let any of the snobby higher-ups take them away from me.  I would go outside on nice days with my brown bag lunch and read on a bench.  So as I did that today, I felt a sweet nostalgia for those days when I was having all sorts of adventures in the world.  Way before I was infertile.  I felt so much lighter then.  When did I turn so matronly? As I sat there wistfully looking at the street, I realized that I was looking at the same street that I'd run back and forth on one night seventeen years ago.  When I was in college (yes, back when I was reading books at lunch), I took a trip to DC with some friends to protest the first Gulf War.  We agreed to meet at a certain time after the protest, but we failed to set a time.  The thing is, there is no real end to an anti-war protest.  It just morphs into other protests and vigils and stuff.  As I looked for my friends, I ran back and forth to the various places they could still be.  I kept running past the U.S. Treasury building.  And that's where I found myself today. You know what?  Now that it's later, and it's daytime and I'm a grown-up professional person, I'm really glad I'm not lost alone at night without knowing anyone, and without a coat by the way.  I'm glad we have cell phones now.  I'm glad I have a husband and I don't have to get stuck places any more.   But  I do wish I were back in 1991 when I had never met infertility.