NC...not quite like a Big Mac

I'll start by saying I do not eat red meat, so a Big Mac wouldn't really do it for me, but saying Chicken Nuggets sounds childish...don't eat chicken either, so...

Anyway, I'm rambling...get to the point.

I have been thinking all day about another poster's request for tips on going and staying NC. To be sure, I am a CS. However, some of my thoughts today made me sound preachy and almost like a BS. So I chose to write in my journal as opposed to directly responding on his post. These are my thoughts and feelings so really they can be anything I want in MY journal, no?

I had to really get brutally honest with myself and look at what my personal ethics are. At my core, I do not think having an A is moral, honest or healthy-- all qualities that are important to me. If I put myself in my H's shoes, I'm appalled by the choices I made. I would be mortified and so hurt if he did to me what I did to him. I think of what my therapist said about how my children would be disappointed, angry and hurt if they discovered that an A had led to the breakup of their family. My therapist's words are a bit like that Scared Straight program that keeps kids out of jail. Her words and my core values keep me on the right track.

(I'm not advocating for divorce, but I think if someone cares at all for their spouse and they can't give up the A, I think they have to at least consider setting them free. I carefully thought about divorce and decided against it. I just don't feel good trying to have my cake and eat it, too. This is also part of being brutally honest with yourself.)

But (there's always a but) all of that is not to say that NC is an easy choice. And it's a choice I have to make EVERY single day. Not a day has gone by that I don't think of OM or want to reach out and reconnect. That is the very real addictive nature of an A-- at least that is what it feels like for me. I mean, EVERY blessed day. So, it's a conscious choice I make every day-- to stay sober, not to have that "taste" and to focus on fixing my issues and showing up for my H and kids.

I know there are people on here who can't stand their spouses and want to divorce but can't. This doesn't really apply to them. It's hard to make that choice to go NC and focus on your marriage when you know you're done with the marriage. I totally get that. I also know there are people who had a really ugly ending with their AP. I'm sure that helps a little with going and staying NC (but it's still a definite struggle). My A didn't end badly. He didn't want to be a home wrecker and I didn't want him-- or me-- to wreck my home, so, there you go...

As I've said before (both above and in many other journals), the wondering and thinking about him is a killer. The thoughts about what might have been are shockingly sad.

But it's a choice. A decision. So what does this all have to do with a Big Mac? I was thinking that I really love French fries. If I'm out and about, I may need to grab a quick bite to eat. It would be so easy to go to McDonalds every day. But I know at my core that it would not be healthy for me. So I avoid it. I consciously choose not to go there-- or any other establishment with yummy fried goodies. I make the choice to not eat there because it's a choice that keeps me healthy. (I also consciously choose to avoid Dunkin' Donuts for that reason!) but then I started thinking that I do allow myself to eat fries or have a donut every once in a while-- so it's NOT the same as NC for an affair.

So then I have to go back to the cocaine analogy from the wonder-therapist. I'm certain it might feel good to do cocaine. I consciously choose not to snort cocaine. And, unlike fries or donuts, I do not ever allow myself a taste once in a while. Beyond being unhealthy, cocaine would ruin me, my health, my sanity, my family, my livelihood and so on. The negatives FAR outweigh any positive. Yes, I get that it's easier to give up something you haven't tried-- I don't know that there's a perfect analogy here.

I tried going NC four times and failed. This fifth time has stuck, in part due to his lack of any response to my goodbye email, no more texting, neither of us is viewing each other's LinkedIn profiles-- all contact has ceased.
In addition, to maintain NC, I:
A) think of my H and put myself in his shoes; think about what could happen to my family
B) remember my core values and how ugly I feel when I don't honor them
C) notice my triggers-- for me, when I feel overwhelmed with the kids or work stuff, I want to run to him
D) be conscious of my emotions and do not react immediately to intense emotions-- I feel what comes up, examine it and sit with it until it has run its course (so I don't email him when I feel anxious or lonely)
E) stay mentally and physically busy
F) come up with things that are novel and exciting but not harmful
G) have compassion toward myself and my feelings
H) allow myself a 5 or 10 minute block to think about him
I) read the advice on DS from those who have walked this path before me
J) go to IC
K) be honest, authentic and true to who I am through a variety of practices

That's a lot. I feel better getting so much out of my head. It's scary how much is rattling around in there.