Narcissistic Mother in law
The last 3 months have been absolute hell for us. My wife has had little to no support or even contact with her family since she began her battle with cancer and she is understandably upset. I have remained passively indignant during the limited contact we have had with them. Until now. Yesterday, they dained to show up. The last time we saw her was after my wife's first surgery, she showed up to ask for money. Fine. I let wife take the wheel there. So I was curt and not overtly friendly during this visit. My wife had it out with her and mil expressed her dis-satisfaction with her children not remembering her wedding anniversary. In the past she expected gifts from her children for their annivrsary. WTF! Who fucking does that?? GIANT balls on that one! I am sad to report that she wants nothing to do with us any more =D. Guess she'll have to find someome else to shake down for money.
Replies
Expressing your feelings, thoughts, words, images, and putting them to paper helps to heal the hurt associated with watching the situation unfold.
The mil sounds like she is selfish and greedy and unable to let go of 'control' through 'asking for money'.
Here's the thing about cancer. It scares everyone when they hear the word. Everyone backing away tells me that there is very little closeness under normal circumstances.
Your mil figures everything is about money, and it shows. To ask for money when your wife is in the hospital is wrong in so many ways.
The answer to the 'money' is to sit down, write it out about the communication previously-has money been involved the entire time? If so, then this is a way to break the usual pattern of communication.
To help your wife improve her feelings so she can heal the hurt over the lack of 'caring', look for resources with care giving and support groups to put her well-being first. Then the same for you as a care giver.
When people are unable to support and step back, let them. Keep your focus on finding help through other sources and give your wife a better fighting partner with positive reinforcements.
It's hard to heal from family hurts without having the release of those painful moments, The powerful feeling you get within from letting it go gives you more strength to be stronger through the challenges.
Is it ironic that I am wearing my "Narcissistic" FIL's shirt while I read your description of my own mother? One of them used readily available finances like a holier-than-thou-club while the other used it as a guilt string to be pulled at the least convenient moments. Which was worst? Can I see what's behind door number 3?
Gentle empathy, Bingo. Both of the "narcissistic" in-laws in my marriage have been dead for several years and are still pulling their antics from the great beyond. Venting freely and often helps me keep them in their place.
For what it's worth
I put narcissistic in quotes to remind myself that I'm not qualified to diagnose and narcissism is an official psych diagnosis. Still, I lack a better word for ^it^. Working with what's available. . .