Narcissistic Injury, confusing indifference.
Ok, so after my big fail, responding to said N's emails, followed by ensuing hyper fix, for us both in our own unique skewed and screwed up ways. As I said in my last entry, predictable silence, withdrawing of N, no surprises there. My getting back on track, trying to push myself to make up for lost ground.
Then, contact! My exN is middle aged like me, and is therefore I suppose more prone to narcissistic injury at this time in his life, so there's drama, and often.
Not long after we met, his father was in a car accident, a major one, severe injuries, and this was followed by me being swept up into his family dynamic very quickly as I rushed to a neighbouring city where his father had been airlifted for treatment. This was also my first experience with the enormity of his psychotic raging! I stayed on grounds at the hospital with him and his family, at the hostel, and jumped into the role of 'the ultimate support partner', while he and his family dealt with the family crisis. I lost heaps of weight, it was stressful, I performed ridiculously well, doing all the right things, and the last night I was there, well I experienced a night from hell while my N had an emotional breakdown, bought on from drinking and the trauma that he was close to loosing his primary source of N supply and support, his father. It was terrifying, confusing, violent, a brutal test to see if I would be there for him no matter how brutal things could get. I crawled back to my city with bruises and in shock, traumatised.
So back to my point, given that my exN is in a time of his life that often represents much injury and insecurity for an NPD, I'm assuming he's often in a state of crisis. His contact to me last night and this morning was because his father had a heart attack. Even the fact that I felt the need to check out that news, because he has lied so frequently about such things makes me feel cynical and jaded. But it's true, and wow, he's not coping, and wow, I just can't respond in a way that I'd consider a normal way to respond to any other friend who was going through the same experience. He's even saying 'sorry' to me, which confused me, then he explained that his situation had apparently allowed him to reflect on the fact that I have lost both my parents, nursing them through their deaths. And although I guess this shows some kind of compassion or empathy on behalf of my exN? I still don't buy it.
Add onto this the fact that exN followed up this reflective gem of realisation with hurling accusations at me! I 'should be there' for him! I was meant to 'protect him', I take this as 'you were meant to be the surrogate that would replace my father', 'I've been putting you on hold for this exact moment' It is kind of gross. And it's outside of my whole emotional and psychological realm. Like he's got it completely screwed up! While he may be able to find someone to 'replace' his father in some way. I would never be this person. I know his mother, actually like her very much, and if anything, I represent and am similar to his mother! whom he hates! like so many male Ns. It's tempting to try and explain to him again that he has the wrong man! Or maybe the right one in some kind of subconscious way, to work out his mother issues. But regardless, someone (me) doesn't have the inclination to be part of such a volatile dynamic. Cause I know he has punished me over and over for not being his father, and hated me for agreeing and reflecting qualities that his mother has.
As I write this, the main issue for me is, regardless of how screwed and flawed this individual is, his father has had a heart attack, and is in hospital, and he is experiencing crisis, and I can deconstruct that, understand it on an intellectual level. But I just can't feel it to a great degree. Now that in some way could be my strength right now, show that I've moved or disconnected into a more safe space. But it also doesn't sit well with me because it's just not normal! I don't like being in a situation where I don't emotionally react to life crises, I think reacting emotionally to these things are important, and they've been a part of me for my whole life.
I hate that now I have the capacity to emotionally switch off to something like this because I've kind of been trained to, by the very lying and abuse of my N. Joke on him I guess, all of his behaviour has bitten him in the arse. But I do not want to be a cold person.
In the end, my rationality tells me that he has family there, and there is nothing I can do anyway. I can send my best wishes to his sisters perhaps. And realise that he is still having a selfish meltdown, which has little to do with the wellbeing of his father, and more to do with the pending isolation and loneliness that is heading his way because of a lifetime of selfishness and narcissistic behaviour.
I hate being this harsh, I'd envisioned a nicer world, even with heartache.
Then, contact! My exN is middle aged like me, and is therefore I suppose more prone to narcissistic injury at this time in his life, so there's drama, and often.
Not long after we met, his father was in a car accident, a major one, severe injuries, and this was followed by me being swept up into his family dynamic very quickly as I rushed to a neighbouring city where his father had been airlifted for treatment. This was also my first experience with the enormity of his psychotic raging! I stayed on grounds at the hospital with him and his family, at the hostel, and jumped into the role of 'the ultimate support partner', while he and his family dealt with the family crisis. I lost heaps of weight, it was stressful, I performed ridiculously well, doing all the right things, and the last night I was there, well I experienced a night from hell while my N had an emotional breakdown, bought on from drinking and the trauma that he was close to loosing his primary source of N supply and support, his father. It was terrifying, confusing, violent, a brutal test to see if I would be there for him no matter how brutal things could get. I crawled back to my city with bruises and in shock, traumatised.
So back to my point, given that my exN is in a time of his life that often represents much injury and insecurity for an NPD, I'm assuming he's often in a state of crisis. His contact to me last night and this morning was because his father had a heart attack. Even the fact that I felt the need to check out that news, because he has lied so frequently about such things makes me feel cynical and jaded. But it's true, and wow, he's not coping, and wow, I just can't respond in a way that I'd consider a normal way to respond to any other friend who was going through the same experience. He's even saying 'sorry' to me, which confused me, then he explained that his situation had apparently allowed him to reflect on the fact that I have lost both my parents, nursing them through their deaths. And although I guess this shows some kind of compassion or empathy on behalf of my exN? I still don't buy it.
Add onto this the fact that exN followed up this reflective gem of realisation with hurling accusations at me! I 'should be there' for him! I was meant to 'protect him', I take this as 'you were meant to be the surrogate that would replace my father', 'I've been putting you on hold for this exact moment' It is kind of gross. And it's outside of my whole emotional and psychological realm. Like he's got it completely screwed up! While he may be able to find someone to 'replace' his father in some way. I would never be this person. I know his mother, actually like her very much, and if anything, I represent and am similar to his mother! whom he hates! like so many male Ns. It's tempting to try and explain to him again that he has the wrong man! Or maybe the right one in some kind of subconscious way, to work out his mother issues. But regardless, someone (me) doesn't have the inclination to be part of such a volatile dynamic. Cause I know he has punished me over and over for not being his father, and hated me for agreeing and reflecting qualities that his mother has.
As I write this, the main issue for me is, regardless of how screwed and flawed this individual is, his father has had a heart attack, and is in hospital, and he is experiencing crisis, and I can deconstruct that, understand it on an intellectual level. But I just can't feel it to a great degree. Now that in some way could be my strength right now, show that I've moved or disconnected into a more safe space. But it also doesn't sit well with me because it's just not normal! I don't like being in a situation where I don't emotionally react to life crises, I think reacting emotionally to these things are important, and they've been a part of me for my whole life.
I hate that now I have the capacity to emotionally switch off to something like this because I've kind of been trained to, by the very lying and abuse of my N. Joke on him I guess, all of his behaviour has bitten him in the arse. But I do not want to be a cold person.
In the end, my rationality tells me that he has family there, and there is nothing I can do anyway. I can send my best wishes to his sisters perhaps. And realise that he is still having a selfish meltdown, which has little to do with the wellbeing of his father, and more to do with the pending isolation and loneliness that is heading his way because of a lifetime of selfishness and narcissistic behaviour.
I hate being this harsh, I'd envisioned a nicer world, even with heartache.
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