Nagging question
H and I have been discussing a past email that I saw awhile ago from OW that you could take two ways. If I didn't know about A I could believe his explanation or if I read it between two other people I could understand his explanation but knowing about the A makes me take it at face value and am having a hard time accepting what he is telling me. This discussion has been going on and off for the past 9 months and as I write this I can see his point but knowing he had an A it just seems unlikely and that I'm reading it the right way.
If he never had an A I would believe him. Since he did have an A I'm not in that position. Any thoughts on what either H or myself should do? H doesn't know how else to convince me and I don't know either.
Email was from 2006 and work related which is why he still has it. A was on and off again 11/05-9/07 and I didn't find out until 2011. Should I do as Lotus said to lump it all in one time period? Maybe not analyze every little thing.
My hang up is that I can't imagine that it was just sex occasionally when they were on business after drinks and nothing else. H says they didn't even talk about A (They're both avoiders, I can vouch that H is). It just happened and ended the same way it started. I'm not an avoider so I can't imagine but can see what he's saying.
Am I being stupid or am I holding onto something I should let go? As I type I'm thinking let go. I don't have anyone else to go to for advice and would appreciate any. Thanks.
If he never had an A I would believe him. Since he did have an A I'm not in that position. Any thoughts on what either H or myself should do? H doesn't know how else to convince me and I don't know either.
Email was from 2006 and work related which is why he still has it. A was on and off again 11/05-9/07 and I didn't find out until 2011. Should I do as Lotus said to lump it all in one time period? Maybe not analyze every little thing.
My hang up is that I can't imagine that it was just sex occasionally when they were on business after drinks and nothing else. H says they didn't even talk about A (They're both avoiders, I can vouch that H is). It just happened and ended the same way it started. I'm not an avoider so I can't imagine but can see what he's saying.
Am I being stupid or am I holding onto something I should let go? As I type I'm thinking let go. I don't have anyone else to go to for advice and would appreciate any. Thanks.
Replies
OMG, are our situations so similar!!!! I had the same nagging questions and I also analyzed to death. For example, my H continued to go to lunch with the pig after he ended the A because he said he went to lunch with all of his managers and he wanted to keep everything \"normal\". When I asked him if the A was ever discussed after he ended it, he said no. He also told me that during the A, they never discussed any\"future\" plans, she never asked him if he was leaving me or where the \"relationship\" was going. Then he said that when he ended it, she was just like, \"oh, ok\". He said there was no big scene, she didn\'t flip out and he thought she \"took it ok.\" I find all of that soooo hard to believe, especially since she became a vindictive bitch and he said one of the reasons he ended it was because she became \"mentally unstable.\" So, after 2 years, his story has never changed and there hasn\'t been any major revelations. So, I can either drive myself crazy analyzing everything, or I can lump this all together as the biggest mistake of his life, believe what he\'s told me and get the hell on with it. I need to get the hell on with it. Try to let it go. You\'ll drive yourself insane and nothing will come of it but emotional turmoil. Sending you support!
I do have to add that H has been doing everything right and the only reason there is doubt is because of the past. Since D-Day he\'s gone to MC, Indiv Counseling, NC with OW and has supported me beyond belief. (Didn\'t ask to be here so I would expect him to do all of this). Anyway, we also had a pre-renewal of vows last month when we were on vacation and are officially going to do it in our church when we are in a better place. This pre-renewal was for him to express his feelings and show me how committed he is and it ws for me to express my feelings to him but to show him that I\'m not there yet but am willing to work on our issues.
Z, I know isn\'t that weird and then you put yourself in the OW\'s shoes and can\'t imagine continuing to work with the guys. OW worked with my H for almost another year. H said he didn\'t even like her as a person and I believe that because he\'d complain about her. Of course she was there to support him in his job when he became a self absorbed career driven mad man and I was the bad guy that was trying to keep him grounded. Thank you for your support and advice. I will try and let it go. As bad as it is that we are here it\'s nice to have someone in a similiar situation.
cec, again, similar. My H started to complain about her too. He realized that she was, in his exact words, a mentally unstable, vindictive bitch. He called her \"bipolar\" on several occassions, and this was before I knew about the A. I guess the good thing about that is our H\'s REALLY know how good they have it at home! Just keep plugging away and pushing forward!
\"Of course she was there to support him in his job when he became a self absorbed career driven mad man and I was the bad guy that was trying to keep him grounded. \"
That is exactly my situation. That is where the hurt comes in. We were trying to be the \"good\" guy and keep them happy. Now they see the good in us and appreciate it. This situation is so confusing! I agree with Z...keep pushing forward!