mystery
I haven't written here since July 6th. That seems like a long time ago in one respect. Yet, another image is the blink of an eye. Time passes. It is only our perception of time that makes it fast or slow, or for those physicist who study time travel I guess it is only our perception that makes time exist at all.
Yesterday, I had a bit of a scare. I felt it. It was back. It was inside of my body. That feeling that I lived with every minute of so many days and beyond. My first reaction was, "Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no." Then, I began to think of what I needed to do to survive. It was interesting that my old survival instinct kicked back in. "You can do this. You can do this. You can get through this. Just hold on."
So, one thing I developed while being ill for so long was an instinct. What do we use instincts for? They help us survive.
I was so grateful for all the good days, weeks, months where I've felt so much better. I've certainly had discouragement and weariness over these past several months, but not the duration of intense symptoms that overwhelm my body, mind and soul day after day. To taste it again was a mysterious experience. I've had periods of time in the past where I felt better and periods of time where I felt pretty darn miserable. It is still a mystery to me.
However, I feel good now and I have great hope that I can continue to feel good. "My past is not my future." My past and my future are only in my thoughts, all that is relevant is the here and now. I wonder how that works. How much does a belief in the here and now truly make a difference?
I feel better today.
I choose hope. I choose to be open to possibilities. I choose to believe in miracles. I choose light and truth. I choose to trust that I am capable of fulfilling my purpose on this earth and beyond. I choose awareness and increased discernment. I choose to keep putting one foot in front of the other into and through pain and discouragement.
Every day I have to make a choice. So many times it feels too hard to keep trying so hard. Some days are lighter and there is more freedom to dance. One moment can high jack my good intentions and I want to crawl away and hide from everyone and everything - it feels like too much and it would be easier to give up.
It's interesting to know that I have a survival instinct when for so long I felt like it just didn't matter. I mean, there were times when it didn't seem to matter what happened because I was in so much pain and despair. But, I survived.
For now, my youngest child is in high school starting tomorrow. My four oldest are gone from home. I am adjusting to a new identity and to different feelings of being needed (or feeling not as needed) in different ways.
Financial pressures are sizzling under the surface but that isn't new. I am on a quest to understand how to alleviate that feeling. I know it just sits underneath and as much as I try to focus on abundance and prosperity and gratitude, etc. there is the underlying stress of wishing I could do more for people and more to get out of debt. I am waiting and watching for miracles.
carry on.
Yesterday, I had a bit of a scare. I felt it. It was back. It was inside of my body. That feeling that I lived with every minute of so many days and beyond. My first reaction was, "Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no." Then, I began to think of what I needed to do to survive. It was interesting that my old survival instinct kicked back in. "You can do this. You can do this. You can get through this. Just hold on."
So, one thing I developed while being ill for so long was an instinct. What do we use instincts for? They help us survive.
I was so grateful for all the good days, weeks, months where I've felt so much better. I've certainly had discouragement and weariness over these past several months, but not the duration of intense symptoms that overwhelm my body, mind and soul day after day. To taste it again was a mysterious experience. I've had periods of time in the past where I felt better and periods of time where I felt pretty darn miserable. It is still a mystery to me.
However, I feel good now and I have great hope that I can continue to feel good. "My past is not my future." My past and my future are only in my thoughts, all that is relevant is the here and now. I wonder how that works. How much does a belief in the here and now truly make a difference?
I feel better today.
I choose hope. I choose to be open to possibilities. I choose to believe in miracles. I choose light and truth. I choose to trust that I am capable of fulfilling my purpose on this earth and beyond. I choose awareness and increased discernment. I choose to keep putting one foot in front of the other into and through pain and discouragement.
Every day I have to make a choice. So many times it feels too hard to keep trying so hard. Some days are lighter and there is more freedom to dance. One moment can high jack my good intentions and I want to crawl away and hide from everyone and everything - it feels like too much and it would be easier to give up.
It's interesting to know that I have a survival instinct when for so long I felt like it just didn't matter. I mean, there were times when it didn't seem to matter what happened because I was in so much pain and despair. But, I survived.
For now, my youngest child is in high school starting tomorrow. My four oldest are gone from home. I am adjusting to a new identity and to different feelings of being needed (or feeling not as needed) in different ways.
Financial pressures are sizzling under the surface but that isn't new. I am on a quest to understand how to alleviate that feeling. I know it just sits underneath and as much as I try to focus on abundance and prosperity and gratitude, etc. there is the underlying stress of wishing I could do more for people and more to get out of debt. I am waiting and watching for miracles.
carry on.
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