Myself!

I have a journal at home. I have poetry books as well. I'm actually teaching my children to journal too and get their emotions out. My psychiatrist tells me every session I need to go on this site called daily strength.org and honestly I'm not gonna lie. I typically just forget But in line of everything that's been going on. I feel like I should be here right now writing this stuff down for memories, for healing, and for the inevitable building strength. Right now I feel like bursting into tears. I've been doing that a lot lately around people And silently. My heart feels like I swallowed it. You know that feeling you get when you're in your bedroom and you're busy doing something something that has all of your focus on it and then someone comes around the corner and scares you and you don't expect it. You're not feeling in the bottom pit of your stomach that you swallowed your stomach? That's what I felt like all day a full day of that like I've swallowed my stomach, but not just my stomach my heart too kind of like a broken heart. It's been easy till this point not sure what changed. Maybe it's the fact that my husband changed his Facebook profile picture And in almost 7 years we've been together. He's never done it before not once except when we got married, he changed it to our wedding picture. So I'm not sure if he's being spiteful to hurt me because I changed mine to roses he bought me last year or He's removed himself emotionally. Just with everything that's gone on my house my daughter who was just recently Baker acted for attempted suicide. She's 15 by the way, and my son who's been watching and absorbing this trauma who is nine by the way he himself has been acting out and being bad again Going backwards acting like is typical bad self on top of those things. My husband and I are currently fighting for a reason. That's absolutely ridiculous and makes no sense to me whatsoever. I've lost my support system and that's exactly it. I reached out for supporting him. I went yearning for the job he supposed to do Politely calmly and he not only denied it and rejected it but he made it seem like it was the worst request to ever bestow upon him and then tells me I need to be the one that apologized to him. There's so much information leading up to this, but I'm missing out so many vital and important details. I feel like I've said the story too many times though I'm burnt out of talking about it and that now I should be in the healing process but for the past three weeks, it feels like it just keeps getting worse. What did I do to anybody in this world to deserve this life or the life I was leading prior to this? I'm not perfect. God only knows I'm far from it. I've made so many mistakes and wrong to so many people I have so many issues I need to fix and I am myself and still learning. I am such a good person with such a big heart and when I do things, I do them out of pure love and passion and devotion and doing them always winds me in a gutter hurt more hurt than I was before. 

so I guess now I'm just trying to figure out why. For the last few years I've changed so many things about myself to appease and please everyone around me well still keeping a hold of little inkling of who I am without losing myself completely. It's the more I try to please everyone else the more I lose more and more of me that's my passion. That's my love to make the ones that I love the happiest but by doing so I feel like I'm destroying myself by doing so I feel like I'm losing more of me and soon there won't be anything left to give. What should I do?