myself

nobody wants to stand in front of the person I love and say here's a hundred horrible things I've done, will you accept me? instead, you lie about yourself because you hate yourself and you're ashamed of yourself of the things you've done.I don't know how to stop sometimes, and when cornered, I felt like a trapped rat. I was lying to cover up other lies. I felt ashamed about my entire life, in the lies sounded so much better.well I finally said the truth to her you destroyed our relationship. I'm doing everything I can to salvage it, we're talking by text and I don't know what to do.I hate looking in the mirror and looking at the guy who's made so many mistakes, that I can barely sleep. the stress is too much of knowing what a horrible man I am. I got kicked out of the Navy, because I was adopted in using the wrong social security number. I thought it was my number. ever since then, I floated through life, making one bad mistake after another. then I lied to cover up my mistakes. 2003 i hacked into a bank, I took money that wasn't mine. it was exactly 22 million dollars. I got caught and did 9 months. I tried covering it up through my life, because I was a moron to do it in the first place. I got blackmailed and that person who blackmailed me has done time too. instead of admitting to any of the stuff, i made up lies to create a past I could be proud of. I stole honor. I said that I was in the Marine Corps for 13 years when I wasn't. I married someone I didn't love who cheated on me all the time. I dated a girl who was cheating with me, and I have a son with. We don't get along and she lies about me the cover up that she was cheating with me. I got kicked out of my university because they found out all the stuff about my past, after a six hour interview with the police on campus I was booted. then a year later I argued with them in financial aid, and I let my rage get ahold of me....I was booted out of school. I grew up in foster care, I felt I got robbed of a family. I got robbed of a life. my entire life has been bad choices and lies to cover up other lies. I'm on here after I got caught by my girlfriend, and I had her kick me out the car on my way home. I felt like an utter failure of my entire life. I have anxiety, and other issues all related to having to cover up lying. it's affected my sex life. it's affected my relationships. it's affected my mental attitude and my emotional health. I don't want to lie anymore, but it's compulsive. the lies sounds so much better then the truth. I don't want to be a bad guy anymore. I really don't. I'm tired of being ashamed. I'm tired of lying to cover up lies of other lies I told.I hear it coming out of my mouth and I just can't stop myself and I don't know why. no one ever cared so is easier just lie. I think she's giving me a chance to fix it if I can help myself somehow someway. I know I don't deserve a damn thing, except the mile of crap I should be eating. I like crime movies so I became morally flexible.I don't like Who I am. I've changed a lot become a better person, because the other guy was not a good guy. I just don't want to lie anymore. especially after all came out hearing myself having to tell the truth, I realized who does this kind of thing? having to tell the truth over lies I've told for 2 years...my god I sounded bad.and then I texted her telling her the truth about everything, and she just got more upset. because as I was telling the truth finally, I was being mean with some of the things I was saying. I was telling her she was just like everybody else, once they found out the truth about me,  they would run. truth is she's not like everybody else, because when she found out about the stuff at my university she stuck by me.how do you look at yourself in the mirror not be ashamed? how do you fix a broken relationship? I've done a lot of damage, and I know I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve her. but I want fix it and and heal myself because I really don't like Who I am.