My YES turned into a huge slap in the face.

I started bleeding yesterday at work. I went home to my husband and we went to the hospital. The doctor came in and told me what the plan was and that we were going to do what we can to have a healthy pregnancy. The tech came in and tried to take my blood. It took him probably a good 20 minutes to fill half of his viles and he didn't even get to finish because my vein collapsed. After that we went for the ultrasound. It was a little scary. I knew that everything we needed to know was going to come from this. I was shaking so bad. She found the baby and she said it was 6 weeks and 2 days. She listened around for the heartbeat but I didn't hear anything. I dismissed it and was just so happy to see the baby. Back in the room, I told my husband I didn't know how anything could be wrong because the baby was still there. The doctor came in after that and told me that I was most likely having a miscarriage and even though I hadn't had any cramps yet, I would. He said that they couldn't hear a heart beat. He did a pelvic exam and sent me on my way. I have a follow up appointment on Friday. So far, I've had cramps and not too bad of bleeding but its enough. I don't know if anything has happened yet or if I'm still waiting. I am so mixed right now with my feelings. I'm sad but then I'm ok. I know that there will be other chances. And I am glad it didn't happen later on. I am crushed but relieved at the same time. I'm not relieved to not have a baby but I'm relieved I didn't bond with it more. I knew it was there but this whole pregnancy hasn't been that good. After I found out I was pregnant, the only real symptom I had was peeing all the time. How can you be pregnant and not be sick or have tender breasts? I think maybe I knew it wasn't going to last. After this, we're jumping back on the wagon and trying again. We'll have a baby one day, this proves it and that's good enough for me.