My Wonderful Friends
Dear Misred and friends,
Yes I will finish school get a job, and hopefully move into an apartment or condo. But I will never live in a 3 bedroom house with a separate bedroom for each child. Those "children"are currently 20(going to be 21 the first week in February)and just turned 19! It will take 2 years of schooling to get an AA, another year or 2 to get a BA. I "hope" to work as soon as I get an AA but the really good money won't come until I get a BA. Now it could take up to 2 more years from this June before I am accepted into the program!. This year I will be 60 years old. Do the math...I could be as old as 66 just starting to earn real money. The main purpose of getting this job, is so that I can maybe have health insurance before I go on Medicare, then to earn enough of a living to live on my own with out spousal support. The chances of me buying and owning a 3 bedroom house by the time I am 66 are very slim. Not to mention by that time my "children" will be 25 going on 26 and 24 years old. How much time are they going to spend in "their" rooms?? I purposely bought a travel trailer that has 2 bedrooms in it just so the children could come and stay a night with me whenever they wanted. They informed me they don't like sleeping any where but in their own beds, plus it wouldn't really "be' their "room"! So that room stuff is just a bunch of hooey. I then have to save for my own retirement because as always seems to happen, I signed over my retirement to my X while we were still married happily and I wanted him to know I how much I loved him.(I thought we would be together and since what's mine was his and vice versa)(boy how stupid was I). So saving as much as possible for the years I can't work is a priority. I am starting to experience age related health issues. At the moment they are almost unnoticeable, but by age 70 I may be in real trouble. So my time is ticking away very quickly. I wish I was only in my 40's this would all be a moot point, but I am not. The cancer has made me see that my life is not necessarily limitless. At the same time I know I must make the best of what I have and not waste it. So I am not optimistic about your suggestion. But yes I will keep it waaaaaaaaaaay in the back of my heart, that maybe this could happen and work out right.
There will always be an excuse with my children, This is what their father is showing them, that works best. It is much easier to make excuses and get away with them, then to do as their mother taught them, just do it right the first time. My way is hard. Just like my way is hard now. I have to keep it in front of all else, that they ONLY want the easy way, nothing else. So I really appreciate your very kind thoughts and advice, I just have a hard time remembering that God has a plan for me and I just have to go with the flow. As a kid that was the way I was, never fighting anything, never pushing, just go with the flow, but my mother tried to explain to me(she really meant well!)that you can't just float through life being pushed and pulled by the tide. You had to make your own choices and then fight to keep them. Build a sea wall to keep the tide out. Well as usual I didn't do a lot of what my mother told me to do, but this lesson about not just accepting what life puts in your path has gone awry! Now I can't seem to accept any thing that has happened in the last 20 years, but in particular the past 5 years. Maybe I just never really lost anything I truly loved. I don't know anymore. I just know I can't go on as I have been and it is taking waaaay to long to get past this! It was suggested I consider anti-depressants , but I have tried almost all of those and nothing even momentarily did anything, let alone bring some relief. So unless they discover some other kind of pill for people like me, pills are not the answer. As every minutes ticks away from Christmas I am slowly but surely putting it all behind me and starting to look forward.(not exactly forgetting, but more like covering up the pain and moving past it) By the end of March I won't seem like the same person. I will be my happy, helping self again. My problems will all be small compared to anyone else and others will never even know I ever had anything but a happy and normal life. I may even forget. But this year when my birthday rolls around I will start trying to find another counselor that maybe can help me put into action my ideas from this year on how to avoid another meltdown like this year and all the years past. I use my birthday as a goal because it is in the middle of the year(roughly) and will give enough time to maybe accomplish some changes, as well as I hopefully will be in a position to pay for a good counselor rather than wasting my money. Right now I am still trying to get out from under my debt. Then I need to try to get a head enough to have the money to pay for help. Now a real blessing would be if I manage to deal with this on my own by my birthday and don't have to spend any money foolishly! You never know in life what will happen.
So thank you everyone that has offered such good advice, my split personality is gone and the good me is back. I will now do as I should have done all along. Just be me. Thank you again, I really wish someday we could all have a reunion of sorts and get to meet each other in person somewhere!. That is my hope!
Yes I will finish school get a job, and hopefully move into an apartment or condo. But I will never live in a 3 bedroom house with a separate bedroom for each child. Those "children"are currently 20(going to be 21 the first week in February)and just turned 19! It will take 2 years of schooling to get an AA, another year or 2 to get a BA. I "hope" to work as soon as I get an AA but the really good money won't come until I get a BA. Now it could take up to 2 more years from this June before I am accepted into the program!. This year I will be 60 years old. Do the math...I could be as old as 66 just starting to earn real money. The main purpose of getting this job, is so that I can maybe have health insurance before I go on Medicare, then to earn enough of a living to live on my own with out spousal support. The chances of me buying and owning a 3 bedroom house by the time I am 66 are very slim. Not to mention by that time my "children" will be 25 going on 26 and 24 years old. How much time are they going to spend in "their" rooms?? I purposely bought a travel trailer that has 2 bedrooms in it just so the children could come and stay a night with me whenever they wanted. They informed me they don't like sleeping any where but in their own beds, plus it wouldn't really "be' their "room"! So that room stuff is just a bunch of hooey. I then have to save for my own retirement because as always seems to happen, I signed over my retirement to my X while we were still married happily and I wanted him to know I how much I loved him.(I thought we would be together and since what's mine was his and vice versa)(boy how stupid was I). So saving as much as possible for the years I can't work is a priority. I am starting to experience age related health issues. At the moment they are almost unnoticeable, but by age 70 I may be in real trouble. So my time is ticking away very quickly. I wish I was only in my 40's this would all be a moot point, but I am not. The cancer has made me see that my life is not necessarily limitless. At the same time I know I must make the best of what I have and not waste it. So I am not optimistic about your suggestion. But yes I will keep it waaaaaaaaaaay in the back of my heart, that maybe this could happen and work out right.
There will always be an excuse with my children, This is what their father is showing them, that works best. It is much easier to make excuses and get away with them, then to do as their mother taught them, just do it right the first time. My way is hard. Just like my way is hard now. I have to keep it in front of all else, that they ONLY want the easy way, nothing else. So I really appreciate your very kind thoughts and advice, I just have a hard time remembering that God has a plan for me and I just have to go with the flow. As a kid that was the way I was, never fighting anything, never pushing, just go with the flow, but my mother tried to explain to me(she really meant well!)that you can't just float through life being pushed and pulled by the tide. You had to make your own choices and then fight to keep them. Build a sea wall to keep the tide out. Well as usual I didn't do a lot of what my mother told me to do, but this lesson about not just accepting what life puts in your path has gone awry! Now I can't seem to accept any thing that has happened in the last 20 years, but in particular the past 5 years. Maybe I just never really lost anything I truly loved. I don't know anymore. I just know I can't go on as I have been and it is taking waaaay to long to get past this! It was suggested I consider anti-depressants , but I have tried almost all of those and nothing even momentarily did anything, let alone bring some relief. So unless they discover some other kind of pill for people like me, pills are not the answer. As every minutes ticks away from Christmas I am slowly but surely putting it all behind me and starting to look forward.(not exactly forgetting, but more like covering up the pain and moving past it) By the end of March I won't seem like the same person. I will be my happy, helping self again. My problems will all be small compared to anyone else and others will never even know I ever had anything but a happy and normal life. I may even forget. But this year when my birthday rolls around I will start trying to find another counselor that maybe can help me put into action my ideas from this year on how to avoid another meltdown like this year and all the years past. I use my birthday as a goal because it is in the middle of the year(roughly) and will give enough time to maybe accomplish some changes, as well as I hopefully will be in a position to pay for a good counselor rather than wasting my money. Right now I am still trying to get out from under my debt. Then I need to try to get a head enough to have the money to pay for help. Now a real blessing would be if I manage to deal with this on my own by my birthday and don't have to spend any money foolishly! You never know in life what will happen.
So thank you everyone that has offered such good advice, my split personality is gone and the good me is back. I will now do as I should have done all along. Just be me. Thank you again, I really wish someday we could all have a reunion of sorts and get to meet each other in person somewhere!. That is my hope!
Replies
Good goal. When you get upset. Come back and read your own words. :o)
I would not focus on your age and just focus on what you need to do. I am in my mid-40\"s. I should have a house, but given how irresponsible my STBX was and my previous inability to stop him, I have nothing. I have long given up hope on a house and just hope to have a small apartment one day.
Keep focussing on your goals.
Yes, I like how your are figuring out what you need to do it is giving me strength. I am also using my birthday as a goal marker on one of my goals. Thanks for posting.
LOL you think like a Mom. I wrote \"a room for them to stay in\" not rooms. I meant a guest room. Things change and so do people. There will come a time when they will WANT to know you. Or they will have children who will ask questions and want to know you. I don\'t like being around my own father, but I encourage a relationship between him and my kids because he is their grandfather. We don\'t know what the future holds. I\'m not here to argue with you....just to remind you that now is not forever. (((HUGS)) love you!
I am not arguing nor did I think you were!!! I was just trying to explain how things are. Thank you for the nicest compliment!! I \"think like a Mom\"! I know in my head that now is not forever, but my heart says differently and so far my heart has been correct. But I will try to ignore my heart for awhile and just use my head!
Mac let me ensure you that your idea of not needing to have a bedroom for each child is a good one.
Even though I have a good relationship with my adult children,19, 23 and 25, they very seldom come to stay for any length of time. So there is no need to have a room for each of them \"just in case\".
In fact I was having discussions with my kids about this very topic the other day and I was telling them they cannot expect me to keep \"their\" rooms intact for them if they only drop by to sleep here for one or two days a year. They have to pack away their stuff in such a way so that I can use those rooms for other purposes. I am not going to be keeping a house full of \"museums to them and their past life here\".
You do need to get on with your life and creating it to be the life you want it to be. That is what I intend to do. And if your kids choose to be a part of it that is great and it will be a bonus. Good luck at achieving this for yourself, I so admire your tenacity.
I think you plan is a good idea. It\'s a great way to cope in the meantime.
Yes, you are a Mother among other good things. (((HUGS)))