my wings are cut

I have been going down hill it seems over the last week or so. I had a nice weekend but yesterday (Monday) and today have been a nightmare for me. I’m still fighting with that crocked developer to fix the issues at that stupid place which is not helping my condition. God help me survive this awful period of life…please!!   I went to the doctors today. She gave me adavar and prozac. I need something to get me through this time. I took the adavar and it kicked in pretty quick. I just feel kind of numb but I guess it’s better then the constant worry/dread I have been feeling lately. I’m still sad as hell and feel I’m living in a nightmare world. I hope the prozac begins to work faster then 4 weeks….I can’t live like this anymore.   The same old anxiety about that stupid condo….this is not right or normal! A person shouldn’t obsess about anything 24/7 whether it be a good or bad subject….it’s not normal to think this way and it’s driving me insane! It seems everything reminds me of how simple my life used to be….and I pretty much start balling every time! I can’t believe this thing has brought me so far down. I guess if it wasn’t this it would have been something else. It’s like I had an anxiety/depression time bomb in my head just waiting for something to detonate it…..BOOM! Stressing over that place set off the big one.  Did I mention the fast acting meds made me numb? It’s kind of how Benadryl makes me feel. I feel even more like I’m unfolding my life in someone else’s nightmare. I hope the prozac can curb the hopeless / joyless state I have found myself over the past year or so. I will try anything to bring myself back! God help me please bring me back to myself!!  Once again I feel I’m losing myself to this demon. All I can see is darkness ahead. A few weeks back I actually thought I could see a small light but for some reason the light faded to black. As I toil in my black pit of hell in my drug induced haze I see life passing by as I seem to sink slowly.   I see other people living life. Talking, laughing, dealing with the good and bad things that life brings. I envy all who live day-to-day yet can still see the beauty of life and enjoy the simple moments. I used to be that person. I used to deal with good and bad but always kept a positive attitude. I used to look forward to the joyous events in life…just thinking about the weekend or a vacation or even getting ice cream with my girlfriend brought a smile to my face and waves of hopeful joy. I WAS that person once. I pray that person is not dead…only resting for a short time.  I find it hard to believe I’m in the state of mind I am today. I feel if only I can sell that place my world would be right again. Is that a normal thought? Does my entire life teeter on whether I can sell a freakin condo for God’s sake? Even as I write this I find the concept ridiculous!! Yet my mind tortures me day & night. Eating and sleeping are chores that have to be done instead of times for joy and peace. I feel at this moment that everything I was is lost until that place is gone from my life. How far will I sink in the mean time? I’m looking at years…I don’t want to live like this another second.   I’m not thinking about anything crazy so please don’t worry. I will force myself through another day of my personal hell…I guess it’s hard to have a positive outlook when you know every day is as bad as the next. If I have a “good” day (which usually isn’t so good) I pray for a better next day….usually I take one step forward and two back. This routine is getting old. I know worry is a habit but it’s a habit stronger then smoking and drinking combined…not that I ever smoked or drink very much!   I just pray that medicine and therapy will help bring me back…and when that place is gone I will have endured and emerge a better person for the journey. My current journey is stealing my joy & hope and he who is without joy or hope is without life. What is life but the joy of living and the hope of better things to come? If you remove the wings of an airplane how can it fly? Joy and hope are the wings of every human being as we soar along our journey through life. Turbulence can shake our plane but it can’t bring us down unless it is so severe it does damage to our wings. My wings are damaged from a turbulence most would see as nothing more then normal bumps in the road.   God help me to repair my wings and someday remove what caused all the damage! God help us all who suffer without our wings….