My whispers have a name at last
Good morning journal,the time is 7:42am,and I have been awake for nearly an hour;it is hard to type this morning,so I am just going to take my time.Yesterday,the latter part of it at least,is somewhat of a blur,after four and a half months I drank alcohol;I have to say,it felt nice;my pain eased,both physically and mentally,though I do feel for my wife,she was saddened by my decision to drink,but she was also strong and loving towards me;and I am grateful to her for that.This morning,I have a hangover,a blinding headache together with a shakiness in my hands,my fingers tremble uncontrollably as I type;I had forgotten what a hangover feels like;but I consider it a small price to pay,the relief I had for one night far outweighing the symptoms I am suffering now.My wife and I spoke last night,in a civil and honest manner,we discussed the whispers in my mind;and she spoke to these voices directly;it was a surreal feeling,and one which I have not experienced before.Jeremiah seems to be the main man in my head,for that is the name that was revealed to me;and there is a Michael and a woman as yet unidentified;but at least it is now,"in the open",so to speak.I have grown accustomed to the others who share my mind,I do not have to like it,I am simply aware that they are there,and they in turn are aware of me;and we co-exist in an uneasy togetherness that is unexplainable,yet nevertheless totally real to me.I feel somehow easier,having my voices identify themselves to me,does this mean I am losing my mind?,probably;but it helps in a way to know why.
My wife wants me to see my doctor this morning,I am not scheduled to see him,but she thinks I need to;I am considering it,but something is invisibly,and forcibly,telling me no.I fear being incarcerated in a rubber room somewhere,with no contact with the outside world,I do not like the world,but I am a part of it,and just because I hear voices,does that mean I have to be locked away?;I don't think so;I have lived with them for some time,what is different now?,it is the same,except they now have names,a man shouldn't lose his freedom for that;I will not lose mine.Time to go journal,I have revealed quite enough,tomorrow is another day;till then,peace be with us.
My wife wants me to see my doctor this morning,I am not scheduled to see him,but she thinks I need to;I am considering it,but something is invisibly,and forcibly,telling me no.I fear being incarcerated in a rubber room somewhere,with no contact with the outside world,I do not like the world,but I am a part of it,and just because I hear voices,does that mean I have to be locked away?;I don't think so;I have lived with them for some time,what is different now?,it is the same,except they now have names,a man shouldn't lose his freedom for that;I will not lose mine.Time to go journal,I have revealed quite enough,tomorrow is another day;till then,peace be with us.
Replies
Scott, good morning. the illusion and freedom you got from the alcohol may not have been the best for you, and should you choose this course more often will clearly not be the best for your wife. I would agree with her, that you need to see the doctor today fas soon as practical. I can\'t help but think that adding alcohol to your list of existing issues would not be good. Please take care, Bill
Scott, I have to agree with Bill on this one. A one time lapse of the alcohol is one thing, but choosing it more often would not, I believe, be the best course for you or your wife. It really solves nothing, and is only a temporary bandaid for a much larger wound.
As I told you in an earlier post, my sister is a paranoid schizophrenic. Without her medicine, she constantly hears voices; however, her voices have no names like yours do. My purpose in telling you this is that there is hope for your condition. There are medications available to help you, but you would need to be totally honest with your doctors, and not just tell them what you think they want to hear. Please don\'t be angry with me for saying this. I care for you and consider you to be my dear friend. That\'s why I can be so honest with you.
Please, my friend, speak with your mental health professionals, tell them about the voices, and I know they can get you on the right medications that will help. You\'re not going crazy; it\'s just a chemical imbalance taking place in your brain that can be brought back into balance with the proper medication. Peace and love to you and your wife, Scott.