My "What The Hell?!!" Trip

I had it so planned out, didn't I.... Go there, be strong, say how sorry I am, go home.... right?   Oh HELL NO.  WARNING - this is a NOVEL, so read at your convenience...
 
Ok, so the weird.... Tuesday before the trip, my son and daughter-in-law were to come over and do the obituaries.   Just before they arrived, I noticed things MOVED again.  Ok, I thought, I'm losing it... maybe I AM just hallucinating....
So they come in, we go over the obituary, my son and I argue just a little about why an obituary is done and I go to make a call AND...
WTH #1... the phone is dead.  My BRAND NEW phone that was already charged up for 24 hours AND has a 2nd backup phone that was also charged.   So when they go to call the minister a little while later, my son picks it up and all he hears then is static.  But apparently it was still connected because the minister called us back and then it worked fine.
WTH #2.... my son calls me Wednesday night to say they're running late and still packing at 11:30.   So I head to bed, get up at 4:30, shower, walk the dogs, and head over to their place at 6:30 to see how they're doing.   Because my son was anxious to get going, I wasn't surprised to see they were gone.   I WAS surprised, however, when I got a text as I was turning around, where they said they were already past the Badlands - 2 1/2 hours away!  
WTH #3... So with the ashes, I start heading out myself.   I found this CD at the store of 80's road trip music... I was thinking it was Sammi Hagar's "Can't drive 55" song, etc.... and I put it in the player and NOOOO... it's ALL the music the X and I used to rollerskate to on our first few dates together.... and I BAWL... Thank God South Dakota's part of the interstate is wide open, because the tears flowed for miles...
WTH #4... I put the ashes on the floor in the front seat area of the car so I could keep an eye on any issues that would make it spill... The obvious signs of my becoming a total basket case began to come out because I was cold, trying to adjust my heater, and I WORRIED that I would make my X cold.  Yeah, it's ok to laugh.... especially when I suddenly hear this voice in my head that says, "Hun... you just had me incinerated, so I don't think you need to worry about heat anymore".....  Yeah, basket case... but that was SO his sense of humor and I would laugh....
WTH #5.... I pull in to Chamberlain and look over the river and start BAWLING again... it's where we stopped the first time we came to visit the hills and decided to begin our adventure here.... And then I remembered how much pain he caused everyone... me, my mother, his parents... And I tell him out loud that I'm going to FIX this.... NO MORE PAIN.... I don't give a DAMN about what he felt anymore... this is gonna be about HEALING.....
WTH #6... I pull in to the Jackson, MN rest area... and run into an acquaintance I sell crafts with during the fall craft shows.   HE's on his way to a funeral as well....
WTH #7... When I was back in the car, my emotions went all over the place... I worried about telling his parents... miss him SO DESPERATELY.... then got pissed off that he put us all through this and yelled at him about how selfish he was with the gifts he'd been given - me, our son, our grandchildren -  and then went back to missing him.... questioning him on why he didn't want the amazing life we had.... continued bawling all the way across Minnesota until I realized my head hurt and it was making me tired.... good thing I brought a monster box of kleenex and a 24 pack of Coca Cola...
WTH #8.... Tears began to stop... it had gone dark when I reached LaCrosse, WI, and the trip to Madison was pretty uneventful.   I took Highway 12/18 to Cambridge, then Fort Atkinson, and no sooner did I pull in to a gas station for a break, but my sister texts me, asking ETA.   I tell her where I am, and say "within the hour?"  She comes back and says 45 minutes!   COOL!   And as I drove through Whitewater, the bawling began even worse.... THAT's the area where my X and I became officially steady...  then came the Sterlingworth, where I used to work, and the X would come make my day - usually drunk - but still.  And then came Abell's Corners, now a town, but back then where his grandmother ran the tavern... we'd go back between the restaurant and the house and drink.... I know, I know.... the drinking was an omen...  but it was so common back then.   It's not the missing that's the hard part, but the MEMORIES.... MEMORIES I was totally unprepared for...
WTH #9... I pull into downtown Elkhorn, my hometown, and my sister calls me... I don't even say hi, just answer the phone "McDonalds" which is where I'm sitting at the stoplight, lol.... and she laughs and says my son just arrived at the hotel.   Teases me about getting lost in Whitewater every year where my dad has lived since I was 16 years old and proceeds to give me directions to the hotel.   My memory is shot, but not that shot, lol... I tell her.   And then I'm there...   We hang out in my son's room until midnight, then I drag my sister over to mine so I can tell her about how much of a basket case I've been the entire week, especially during this drive.... and I don't even get to say much of anything when all of a sudden SHE bursts into tears!   Now I know she's been having a REALLY hard time lately with problems with her X... I've been wanting to help for a long time, but couldn't figure out how to do it.   But when she told me the depth of what was going on, and THEN told me her attorney was going to drop her because she needed money to keep her involved, I learned I could finally GIVE.... at the amount I wanted to GIVE.... 
WTH #10... As I write the check to her attorney, she then drops a BOMBSHELL.... when my son and my mother started reconnecting when my son was 14 (he's now 27), my mother and sister mailed gifts to us for Christmas.... and my X RETURNED THEM.... never even told us they came.   BASTARD.  And because they were returned, THEY assumed we wanted nothing more to do with them...and WE assumed because he didn't hear from her anymore, that she wanted nothing more to do with us....    Did I say BASTARD?!
WTH #11....we talked until 1am.... dog sitter texted me at 7am to let me know my dogs were fine, and since I was up and it looked like I had a free day because we did the drive in one shot instead of having to take 2 (the my 16 month old granddaughter did AWESOME), I went down to the breakfast bar.   Mom was working the desk.... sounded concerned as she said I looked tired.... and AGAIN, I burst into tears, asked if it would be ok if I hugged her... Now we hadn't spoken in over 14 years... she said yes.... gave me a hug.... and then avoided me the rest of the trip..... maybe that was too much, too soon....
WTH #12... So I pulled out my bike, rode 5 miles to Williams Bay, took a mile long detour to go visit my grandparent's graves (I told them I loved them and hoped I was doing the right thing and going to make them proud of me with my intent to start the healing)...and I proceeded to ride from there around Lake Geneva (the lake itself).   I start climbing out of the town of Williams Bay and my Dad has me call my stepmother about getting together that evening.... and again, I BAWL... I was on that cell phone for at least 45 minutes (she laughs and says an hour).... but when I got done, I felt SO MUCH BETTER for having gotten that off my chest.... not all stepmothers are wicked.  Mine's pretty awesome...
WTH #13... I got back on my bike, headed to the town of Lake Geneva... the ride was going well, I was feeling better and I breezed right through town.... I hit the sidewalks where the traffic was thick, and made it all the way to the opposite side of the lake... AND got lost, lol.   I stood in front of Shifters (a bar) and was COMPLETELY confused.    The bar was on the wrong side from what I remembered, lol.   My basket case brain was trying to tell me they moved it, lol.   Of course, they didn't.... and so I started to head down the road next to it that would make the thoughts in my head right.... and then stopped.   This wasn't right... So I went into the bar.  I hadn't been in a bar in years, and I'm SURE I was a sight as well; I base that on how the customers stopped talking and just all stared at me... loose hair sticking out of my helmet, a winter coat, jeans (I forgot my fleece pants), hiking boots and a backpack - don't forget that I'm also 50 pounds overweight... I ask the VERY nice bartender directions and she points me in the opposite direction.... Thank God I asked - I would have had to climb uphill for 5 miles once I'd figured out that I goofed....
WTH #14... Back on track, I took the needed turns, start going on the path in the opposite direction from the way we did it last year with the Fat Tire Memorial Ride... UGGGLLLLYYY.  It was as bad as riding the hills here... add in cold... I was so thankful when I reached Fontana.   My toes were cold, temperature was dropping... and I still had a MEGA climb to go.    I took a short break halfway up, got colder, finished the climb back to Williams Bay.... I could have cheated right there.... had I gone straight, I would have been on the easiest route back to the hotel and almost all downhill.    But I wanted to finish it... so I turned right, rode all the way back to the center of the town and stopped at a gas station to warm up.... a candy bar and a water later, I got up, went to the rest room, took off my jacket... and WTH - I was DRENCHED.   OMG, the last time my clothing was this wet from cross country skiing, I got frostbite and was unable to ski the entire season.   So I pulled out the fleece jacket I luckily stuck into my backpack as a last minute thought, stripped off my wet clothes, put on the dry fleece jacket, then my winter coat and headed back up the hill toward home.... that's all I could think about.... the word HOME and MOM, though mom was completely clueless....
As I climbed back up the last hill, it began to snow.... it always snowed when the X and I had a major life changing event in our lives... and again tears fell...
WTH #15... I got back to the hotel and put my bike away in my room, and I heard my son walking down the hallway... so I rushed out and they were talking to someone I didn't recognize.   So I raced after them to tell them I was back and when we were going to meet up with my dad and stepmother that evening and the "stranger" was my brother-in-law.    He gave me a hug - we'd never been close enough to be hug worthy before, so it was nice.... he said they were going to my in-laws if I wanted to join them... I DESPERATELY needed a HOT shower, so declined... maybe I also declined because I was dreading the meeting... possibly.... But as it would happen, my 3rd grade best friend had called when I had reached the town of Lake Geneva and DEMANDED I come see her.    So after my shower, I picked her up and we went for ice cream.... and she proceeded to yell at me for not having contact for 3?  5? 7? years?    I don't even know how many it was.   And she had every right to be angry.... I just dropped the ball.   I could use the excuse that my X didn't want me to contact anyone, which was true, but then again, that never stopped me before.   I just didn't make the effort to find the address book for years.   And I should have....
WTH #16... We met up with my father and stepmother at 6pm for dinner... it was fun, very good, Paige (my granddaughter) was such an entertaining character.  So after dinner, we drove over to my Dad's - and yes he was worried that I'd get lost - and no, I did not get lost, lol... So we go upstairs into the living room, Paige climbs into my dad's lap, the rest of us are sitting and Dad has the only light source other than the tree... and Jessica, my daughter-in-law who's sitting on the floor in front of the tree, took a photo... she's also a ghost hunter, you know, eyes of an eagle...
She suddenly leans the camera over to me.... I glance at the picture, smile because it's so great, but she intently said "NO.... look at the mirror!"   And I looked again... and there's a shadow.   A very distinct, VIVID shadow, standing behind my father in the mirror.   And I said to her... "is that Mason?"   And she says "NO.... look where he's at on the couch"... It looks like David, my X.... and then it was gone - it's still in the photo, but there's no other shadows in the room despite our trying to debunk it...
My stepmother gave me my Christmas gift so we wouldn't have shipping costs, lol... 3 hot chocolate packages, a large coffee cup, a relaxation CD and the book "WILD" by Cheryl Strayed....
On the way home, I took a short cut... again unprepared for the memories.   The lake where he loved to fish... the gravel pit where we'd fool around as kids... the motel where we spent the night of our wedding...  Let's just give my heart a good hard kick.... I cried myself to sleep...
WTH #17.... 8 am I had breakfast, met a nice couple... turned out they're my mother's old neighbors at the house I lived in as a teenager....
WTH #18... 10:00 am we went over to my in-laws.   At this point, my nerves were shot, I was completely dreading this.... and I walked in the door and my mother-in-law HUGGED me.   We both began to cry... we then wiped our tears, got everyone situated except my father-in-law who was sleeping in another room.   We had brunch there at the house, made by my mother-in-law.   After brunch, she pulled out photo albums... I saw who the grandfather was that David was named after... the one who drank himself to death, just like David... I saw the corner from when it was just a hot dog stand, now an actual town... saw photos of the grandmother who not only bailed me out of my stupidity when I made very bad choices when I was young, but taught me strength even now... she was married to that alcoholic and never remarried... and then while we were putting dishes in the dishwasher, my MOTHER-IN-LAW dropped ANOTHER BOMBSHELL.... for over 10 years, my X was calling her to borrow money.... he told her we were struggling financially and desperately needed it... but she knew it wasn't true.   Because he'd call her at 3am while they were sleeping.... ask for it while I was sleeping... We both knew what he used it for... alcohol.   And then she had some questions.... how long did he have cirrhosis?  he was diagnosed 20 years ago.... did he drink on our dates... yes, ALL of them and I was the designated driver.... did his friends buy it for him when he was underage?   yes.  It was what all the kids in school did.... we kids even had a party for the entire class on graduation day.... MAN, that was brutal... but I could see she desperately needed the truth to let the healing begin...
WTH #19... and then my brother-in-law asked me why I never friended him on Facebook.   Again, the lame excuse.... because the X didn't want me to... he used to get so upset with me for friending the brother-in-law's X wife..... it was just an excuse - one I'm ashamed of... we became Facebook friends before I left town...
WTH #20... my father-in-law woke up... I stepped in to say hi.   He looks so ill, so frail.... he used to be such a big jolly guy - like a red haired Santa... He turned to me and said "how is it that a person can be so happy (about seeing his great granddaughter for the first time) and so sad (about David) at the same time.    GEES, just rip my heart out, pound on it, stomp on it and give it another good kick....  We talked for over an hour while my granddaughter kept stealing grampa's chocolates...
WTH #21... aunts and uncles came over... more hugs all around, including one who obviously wasn't expecting a hug and gave me a strange look.... but tough, lol, he got one anyways.... My brother-in-law took photos... Mason & Jess' camera wouldn't work for some reason so my brother-in-law took photos... Mason spotted orbs on many of the photos... he's convinced it's David...
WTH #22.... just before I left, I handed my mother-in-law copies of all the photos I could find and that poem.   Her eyes widened.... she said the school had refused to let her see it.   They said he was SO talented but it was such a disturbing subject the school officials didn't think it was appropriate for her to see it... it was like I'd given her the BEST GIFT anyone could give....
Later I met up with my sister... she decided we needed a Christmas party with family to cheer me up for the trip home.   All my sisters came... and my aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews, and even the new grand nephew... such a cutie....   Mom did not - instead she went home.... Sandy passed around wine... LOTS of wine... I'm saving mine for my Wednesday Christmas party... Aunt Joan, wonderful Aunt Joan, gave me a brochure on how to survive MEMORIES...
WTH #23... I woke up at 4am, turned on the weather channel and it said a blizzard warning was in effect for Sioux Falls.... I wrote a note to my mother thanking her for helping us through this weekend and asked her to tell my son I'd left early to try to get as far as I could in the storm... it began snowing heavy as soon as I got into the car.... As I drove through town, I took a minor detour and drove by the house we lived in when we got married... I remember the alcohol bottles all over the place... I began to say goodbye there... goodbye to Abell's Corners, the Crossroads, the Sterlingworth, the highway where we went steady for the first time.... not as many tears this time...
WTH #24... by the time I got halfway across Minnesota, flakes were coming down stuck together so they looked like big chicken feathers.... it reminded me of the trip my X and I took to the Grand Canyon where it snowed EVERYWHERE we went...
WTH #25... Fairmont, MN... I think I'm lucky to be alive. Fog, blowing snow so thick you couldn't see the car right in front of you... at the rest area, I texted my son that I was going slow, and would text each time I stopped... I got to Sioux Falls and the closed highway signs were flashing.... I went to the next exit and the highways were closed in all directions so I took the ramp to go back to where my friend lives, and checked into the Econolodge.   Annette (my sister) sent me a copy of Mom's facebook post "Christmas 2012 is the most wonderful one I could ask for . My children, grandchildren and great grandchildren have all united and reunited for the first time in 21years. A mother of 4, grandmother of 11, and greatgrandmother of 2 ( so far) couldn't ask for anything else."  WOW, for my mother, that's HUGE...
For the low price, it was a nice hotel, very comfortable...so comfortable in fact, that I didn't even call my friend.   Instead, I pulled out my sewing machine (yep I brought it... don't know why, but I'm glad I did), and finished the table runner I was making for my company's Christmas Gift Exchange this coming Wednesday, and then pulled out that "WILD" book.... a book about a woman who's mother died, and the result of the grief was a trek out on the Pacific Crest Trail, hiking until she found herself... so fitting.... for the first time all weekend I got good sleep...
WTH #26... I headed out at 6am... ICY conditions.   200 miles of only going 40 to 45 mph.   Things cleared up the closer I got toward home, but it snowed here too.... there's a FOOT on my front deck.   I got home at 12:30, the dog sitter left... and then the ATF called!   I thought it was some kind of a warped practical joke... the agent asked for my X... when I told him he's dead, the questions the agent asked and how he asked them, made me realize that this was SERIOUS.  The X had bought a gun in October of 2011... and they were just now calling to inform him that because of the DUI's and domestic violence conviction, he's not allowed to have one.    I told him why were were divorced, why he died and where... the agent said that IF the gun is found (it's probably been pawned)... my son can keep it.   He was willing to tell my son himself, except that my son is still in Wisconsin....
WTF #27... and now my DVD player is fried... what is going on with the electronics this week...
WTH #28... SHIT!  WTF!!!   I just got a text... My son had DINNER with Mom & her boyfriend Frank!!!  WTH!  I can't get so much as a meeting... not so much as an acknowledgment.   Am I jealous?   DAMN RIGHT.  But it's not about me, is it... it's about HEALING.... and the healing has begun....   MY part in this is done... GRRRR.... got to let go... let go.... letting go.... Oh, and btw... the remaining ashes are right here...
Mason, Jess & Paige come home tomorrow - straight through 17 hours.... pray for safe travels please....   Donna