My Weekend February 5 7, 2010

It’s Friday.  I don’t write between visits.  I am now.  I didn’t want to get up out of bed this morning.  Why should I?  I had a very hard time going to sleep last night and I was up very, very late.  I wanted to call my therapist and leave a message.  That’s what helps me.  That’s what I do to take care of myself.  But I didn’t so I just continued to feel miserable.    I wanted to tell her how hurt and angry I am.  How I feel like I don’t want to talk anymore and that I should just keep everything in from now on.  I know that’s not helpful.  I feel like what ever I’ve been doing is wrong and now she tells me.  And I don’t even agree with her.  I felt the best thing to do is to call her up and say, “Hey, this really bothers me.  I’m angry, I’m hurt, I’m confused.  Can we talk a few minutes?”  But of course I didn’t not wanting to bother her.  And this boundaries thing.  I don’t feel like I step over boundaries and even not calling her to talk made me feel even worse.  Is she miserable and thinking about this?  No.  It’s over for her.  She told me and now she can go on without a care about it.  But not me, I’m left to deal with it in the cold by myself.    Very hard this morning.  Then later I read the paper and saw an old school friend of mine died.  I called a guy friend of mine because he was in a movie with her.  Then I called my guy cousin and he talked to her a few weeks ago and was going to meet her where she was ushering tonight.  So weird!  I need to find out what happened.  And my friend called and we are planning for our girl trip in August.  Later this afternoon my daughter, her boyfriend and my grandson came over.  They even stayed for dinner.  Very nice!  So I had a chance to keep my mind off of everything.  But now what?  Back to the old loneliness and bad feelings.  Plus it’s supposed to snow both Monday and Tuesday and that’s when I go back to see my therapist.  Then she’ll be gone for a whole week after that!  I can’t continue this that long – I just can’t.  OK … now she thinks the exposures aren’t helpful.  They are.  They help me not to freeze and remember what to do in real life situations.  They help me run though all the possible scenarios.  She makes me feel safe to do them with her when I wouldn’t even be doing them at all.  Do you think they are easy to do?  No.  But at least I push myself and I do them, successful or not.  I’m trying and awfully hard at that.  Maybe I should quit trying altogether.  Stop doing them.  Stop drinking more.  Stop waiting as long as I can.  Stop doing Kegels.  What does it matter?  I don’t need to do those things.  Maybe the problem will just go away.    It’s Saturday morning.  We went to the Boy Scouts Pancake Breakfast with our grandson, daughter and her boyfriend.  Also sat with my son’s girlfriend’s mom and brother.  We took our grandson home with us after.  Nice but I still feel really badly.  Really badly about myself.  My friend called me up to ask me a question about tomorrow’s party.  I answered it, solved her problem and she told me she knew I’d have the answer.  I guess that’s supposed to make me feel better about myself but I’m not so sure.    We had my grandson with us all day – he’s a little doll.  He’s spending the night, too.  I thought that would help me to feel better but no, not really.  I still feel really bad about myself and about things – angry, hurt, confused.  And something happened while we were out but no – it didn’t.  We are going to forget about all of that!  It’s Sunday now.  We went out to breakfast with our grandson and sat with our friend.  My grandson said his Mom said if her boyfriend yells at her again they are moving out.  He wants to move in with us again.  We had earlier talked about all the times he’s lived with us and in which rooms and places.  Humm … the Annex may be taken.  We picked up my cousin and went to that funeral.  Nice to be with him but sad – she was only 52 and it was so sudden.  I had to wait in a long line and through the service with absolutely no problems.  OK … I’m a bad liar.  Then I went to a Superbowl Party tonight and didn’t go to the bathroom at all.  OK … again, I’m a bad liar.  Wishful thinking and I wish things were different.    My daughter left a party tonight because my grandson had an accident.  My friends asked why they left early.  I just said an incident.  I didn’t even want to say the words what happen.  He also had an accident at school this week.  My daughter is wondering what’s going on with him.  I really feel for him.    I don’t know what tomorrow will bring with the snow.  I don’t like to drive in it but I need to go tomorrow to talk these things out - if I can.  I do hope it doesn’t snow tomorrow and also on Tuesday because I go back then before her trip.  Then it’s a whole week until the next time.  I guess I can’t ask for anything – those boundaries that I don’t even know what she’s talking about!  That’s really hard and also makes me sad that I can’t take care of myself, and ask for things in ways I know will be helpful to me.  Plus it’s getting late and I can’t sleep because I’m worried about how things will go.  I want the help and I also want to be liked and not thought of in a negative way.