My Weekend And Todays Ultrasound

What a boring 2 days – Thursday & Friday.  I tried to keep busy but I’m so, so bored.  I haven’t worked in a while (I work from home) so I plan on starting back again this coming week.  I tried on clothes – have way too much and it’s hard to eliminate because I still like everything!  I did email one organization about volunteering and mailed an application into another today.  It’s a start!  I keep thinking on & off today about the Trivia Night I’m going to tomorrow night with my husband and some friends.  I’ve never been to one before.  I’m not that good with trivia but my husband is.  It’s good to get out and be with people and do something different.  I hope we all have fun.  It sounds like it’s going to be pretty open and that you can get up now & then.  There’s a silent auction too so people have to be able to look at those items.  I get scared I’ll have to go to the bathroom and it won’t be the right time or awkward to get up at those times and people with notice.  Or, there will be a line and who knows what else.  I shouldn’t worry – it’ll be fine.  I’ll be fine.   Trivia Night was fine.  It was fun.  You walk in and it was like a big family.  There were maybe 30 tables of 8 people each and every one of those were like a family.  People brought food, we were eating, laughing, talking, etc.  It was so informal that everyone got up whenever they wanted so I had no worries at all.  I just went to the bathroom anytime I needed to.  I met some new people.  There was one person at the table who I didn’t particularly care for (she wasn’t as friendly) but really not too bad.  I just didn’t talk to her much.    I saw my kids/grandson’s pediatrician there who happens to be a friend of mine that I went to high school with.  I went over, we hugged and we talked.  I’m glad, though I did know 2 of the people at our table well and talked to them a lot.  Otherwise I would have felt a little weird.  I’m friendly and talkative but it’s hard when you really don’t know them and with a large group. I tend to get more quieter.  I do better with one on one. After we went to the rehabilitation center to deliver the pictures to my niece.  That went well and we came home.    I’ll be glad when my therapist comes back late tonight.  It just makes me uneasy when she’s gone.  It’s not like I need her on the weekends, or whatever.  It’s just knowing she’s not available.  This is going to sound complicated.  I am not a jealous person at all.  Not like that friend that’s acting strange – I think she’s jealous.  But it makes me feel badly when I know my therapist goes out of town and is with family, having a great time and so on and so on.  I want that for her – she certainly deserves it and I’m so happy for her.  It’s just that I don’t have that.  She seems to have a really put-together caring family and a large family and I don’t have anything like that in my life and wish so badly I did.  It makes me feel sad for me.    In a bit I will go to lunch with some friends and one is the one that’s acting weird.  I was with her brother-in-law this morning and apparently there’s some tension in their family.  I’m wondering if she stopped calling me and telling me things (she used to tell me everything) because I see her brother-in-law every week and she’s afraid I’ll tell him something.  That makes me mad because I feel like she needs to trust me more than that.  So, I’ll just act normal today at lunch hopefully as friendly as I usually am and I’m just hoping she won’t act silent or distant to me.  Wish me luck.  I hate conflicts and confrontations. And, it makes it harder because I have no idea what happened and it makes me feel like “What did I do?”  Nothing to my knowledge.  Well, it went OK.  This friend that’s acting weird kind of stuck with one of my other friends so I kinda paired off with her sister.  It was the 4 of us that are taking the girl trip in a couple months.  Is this how it’s going to be the whole time?  I hope not.  I hate this “junior high and high school stuff” that she’s doing.  I’m not into that at all.  I just try to be friends with everyone and stay friends with everyone without conflicts.  Not this weird childish stuff.  She was friendly but it was just strange vibes I got – not like usual and it makes it very uncomfortable.    I mentioned that I have an ultrasound tomorrow – the kind you have to drink a lot.  She did say how she can understand that would be hard for me.  I told them I cheat and go to the bathroom and then sometimes I’m not full enough.  The girl knows me and does it real fast, lets me go to the bathroom and then finishes with the ultrasound.  I told them it’s just hard to time it just right.  I hope I don’t talk about this problem too much.  I don’t want to put attention to it.  I’m so worried because we are all going on this trip together and last year there were 2 accidents I had that they saw.  I fear they will think I’m a pain and not want to go places with me anymore.  Chances are it’ll happen again this year – who knows how many times – maybe none?  I can only hope.  I hope & pray everything is fine with my ultrasound.  Instead of worrying about having an accident I need to pray everything is OK – with the results.  He’s watching little fibroid tumors and I hope they haven’t increases in amount and sizes.  And that he doesn’t find anything else bad and that the result of my pap smear tests are just fine.  My therapist said she will call me tomorrow afternoon.    OK … now about my ultrasound.  Because I keep going to the bathroom I just keep drinking as much as I can.  And I’m not a fast drinker so I started about 9:45AM and my appointment was 12:30PM.  I went to the bathroom several times at home.  And when I got there I needed to go to the bathroom.  I parked and went inside to go as fast as I could.  I couldn’t hold it all the way and started going but not a whole lot.  Just enough to show so I left my coat on and tried to pull it down over the wet spot.    After going to the bathroom I went upstairs to my doctor’s office, signed in and sat down.  I was getting hot so I took my coat off and just held it in front of me to cover.  I sat and waited and had to go again.  When the girl who does the ultrasound called me in she was real friendly asking me how I was and remembering me from before.  I was friendly back to her and we went into the ultrasound room.    She could tell how badly I had to go and said, “Oh, you’re dying.”  I nodded yes.  She started explaining what to do and I started wetting my pants more.  I said, “I’m peeing!”  She said, “Go … go the bathroom.”  I was concerned about not being able to do the test.  She said, “No, that’s OK.  Just go.  I know what your bladder looks like.” (whatever that means).    So we walk out together and the bathroom is just across the hall.  I jiggle the knob and the door is locked!  Locked – would you believe it!  I told her and she tried to knock and heard a man’s voice and wondered what a man was doing in there.  So, since I was peeing, I didn’t want to be out in the open.  I went and leaned against a wall next to a little partial counter just right across from the bathroom.  She looked at me like she couldn’t believe what was happening.  Everyone knew what was going on.  Finally he came out and I went in.    Oh my goodness!  All I can say is luckily, from my therapist’s suggestions, I had brought an extra change of clothes with me just in case this happens.  I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t have a change.  They were very wet and very noticeable and I wouldn’t have been able to sit anywhere.    After going into the bathroom, I changed and went back into the room.  I apologized to her and felt bad.  She was so nice about it and said she was sorry the door was locked and that happened to me.  She didn’t make a big deal about it at all and I was so glad.  I even had to ask another person in the office for a plastic bag and I felt bad about that.  I told her that luckily I planned this might happened and had a change of clothes.  She didn’t make me drink more water because she said my little fibroids are inside my uterus and not outside.  If they were on the outside they definitely need a full bladder to do it.  When I saw my doctor he knew what happened, too.  He didn’t make a big deal about it either!  I even had to carry that stupid bag around with me with my wet clothes inside and I didn’t mind so much.  But, I did have a coat I was carrying around, too so that kind of hid it.  Normally I would have been very, very ashamed.  But I felt safe there – thank goodness.  And, I had dry clothes on!  My doctor even stayed and chatted with me at the check-out counter a little.  He’s the sweetest!  And, I get so much love and hugs and even kisses (not on the lips) from him.  He’s so warm and caring and knows how much I care about him and tells me so!  My therapist called me after I got home and I told her what happened.  She asked me if I can let go of the shame.  Yes, I can.  I think because they were all OK about it.  I didn’t say but if it was anywhere else I wouldn’t have been able to I don’t think.  I always worry people will be mad at me and not like me for my problem.    I told her what happened on Thursday at the rehabilitation center and up in her office waiting area.  She said we’ll work something out about me not running into my friend there.  I told her, with the help of my son, I put some YouTube videos on my IPod (throwing up) and we’ll look at them on Thursday if it’s OK with her.  She’s fine with it and said we’ll do it slowly.  I’ll have her look first.  I told her I wanted to talk to her about massages, too and we need to talk about more time with her.  I think she confused it with the massages because she said I could do that on Monday and see her on Thursday.  I said again about extra sessions, or come with my husband or check-in calls.  She said we’ll talk about it Thursday.  I hope we can work something out.  I hate being like this and I don’t know where it’s coming from!  I hate asking for things for myself!  And, I don’t want to put anyone out.