My Weekend

Friday I went over to the hospital that I won the Cancun trip with to get my reward letter, give them my affidavit, etc.  They took my picture and they are all just excited as I am.  They want to come with me – of course!  They are so very nice and I asked them about any insights in getting a job there (I need to be looking again) and things are so tight!  I also called the travel agent to inquire about a couple nights extra stay and had some additional questions.  She was going to find out and call me back but hasn’t yet.  I should meet with her next week.  My husband & I did get our Passport pictures (just the pictures) taken.   Saturday I tried on clothes – pants and such.  I have gained 10-12 pounds and it shows – I hate it!  I used to be really skinny, probably underweight.  I think my Body Mass Index was about an 18 and now it’s a 20.  I know 20 is good but I’ve never seen fat on my body and now I do.  It’s really depressing for me.  I know it’s normal for women to “spread” after a certain age but I “freak out” because my Mom was very skinny and I had to end up buying her Maternity clothes because her belly got so big.  All the women in my family.  So I see that fat, my 10-12 pounds and I freak about it.  And … now my clothes from last year are tight, tight, tight!   People say the little bit of weight gain looks good on me but I don’t like the fat I see.  I don’t know if I should try hard to loose it or just accept it and have fun with the foods I’m enjoying now (never used to – another story).  I’m trying to drink more water to keep from eating as much, plus it’s really good for you and I used to not do it at all, but you can imagine what it does to my bladder problems.  I’m hoping it’ll improve them being able to hold more and wait longer.  I think it’s working some.  But, I sure do pee a lot!   Tonight we go out to dinner with my cousins.  I have mixed feelings.  I really love them a lot but I’m scared of conflict.  Our mothers were sisters and fought like cats & dogs – really bad.  So bad we couldn’t go to any family functions when they had them because of the two of them.  Although, when someone was sick or in need, they were there for each other.  Now that they are gone I don’t want that to happen to my cousin and myself.  And, she reminds me so much of my Mom (good & bad but bad about the negatives).  I guess to say I proceed with caution.  I’m scared but I shouldn’t be – I hope.  I think I sound like a roller-coaster.  : - )   The dinner with my cousins went fine.  They brought their daughter and it just happened to be my daughter and her boyfriend were eating at the same restaurant.  When they were leaving they saw us, came over and we all sat and talked for a while.  After my cousins left the 4 of us came back to our house and then out to Target shopping.  It was really nice to be with them.  Just adults, too which is unusual.  My grandson is with his Dad this weekend and of course my granddaughter is in the hospital.    I also talked to my son that lives here and my other son that lives far away.  Wow – all 3 in one day – I’m in my glory!  The one that lives far away, his town is having trouble with it being like a “war zone” there with the military base that is nearby testing things.  There is also uranium and other chemicals in the air which is making them sick with headaches and respiratory illnesses.  He has so far liked it there but now has reservations in staying.  The lease is up in June and he maybe come closer to home or ever farther, farther away – he’s not sure.  I hope this testing stops so they can all feel better.   Sunday we all went up to the hospital to visit my granddaughter.  She is amazing!  I get hug after hug, kiss after kiss and all the “I missed you Nana” and “My Nana, My Nana” I could ever want.  They told her she is going to be getting a robot leg which is keeping it upbeat and kid friendly for her.  That is really good.    I went to a Volunteer Fair this afternoon.  I even sat through a 45 minute introduction which I was a little nervous about.  I always worry I’ll have to leave to go to the bathroom.  Sometimes I anticipate it so much it happens.  But, thank goodness I was fine.  Yeah!  I went all by myself.  I really need to get a paying job but with the economy so bad I may not have very good luck.  At least with volunteering I’ll be out there to network and just be out there with other people which will hopefully help with my loneliness.  Now I have to follow through.   After the Fair I went to meet my husband and friends bowling and for dinner.  I was too late to bowl but talked and dinner was fine.  My daughter, her boyfriend and my grandson met us all for dinner, too.  We had 15 people – quite a long table!  When I’m with my friends I’m able to be myself.  I’m very friendly, outgoing, take-charge, helpful, etc.  Can’t seem to be that way and happy with my family because they tend to ‘shoot me down’.  One of my friends wasn’t there – she’s been acting so weird lately.  I wonder what’s happening.  Can’t let it bother me.  She’ll come around when she’s ready.   We came home and ordered our City Pass for our next week-ends trip.  So, I guess we are really going!  I’m happy, excited but scared.  And, he told me he bought her (my daughter) a 1,000 engagement ring that I have to pick up for him this week.  He wants to surprise her on our trip.  Wow!   I put in a call for my therapist and asked her to call me back.  I have to get up at 5AM tomorrow (Tuesday) for my granddaughter’s leg amputation surgery and I do have some feelings about it I would like to talk to her about.  Plus there is a conflict going on between my daughters boyfriend and his ex-wife.  All her family is going to be here and it’s just going to be the two of us who can make it tomorrow on our side.  I don’t want to feel ganged up on and I don’t want to be in the middle.  I get along with her fine (never met her family, though) and I don’t want anything to spoil that.  I just want to be my friendly, supportive self for everyone.    So … we’ll see if my therapist calls me back.  I would love to see her today but I don’t have any extra sessions left.  She’s very short on the phone and I may need a little more time this time.  Lots of things happening and I don’t have the tape recorder anymore!  I don’t think she really understands!  She’s super with me but I really hate (maybe not hate – that’s too strong of a word) her for this not being able to talk and tell her what I need to with just not enough time for everything.  It’s very frustrating and things keep adding up and adding up and not gotten to.    I didn’t do very good on my drinking more and trying to hold it longer this weekend.  I have to get better at that.  It’s just an on & off thing and I need to be more consistent – I know.  I need to keep trying - harder.