My weekend.

Sooo... I bought a new purse...YAY! Im somewhat addicted to Betsey Johnson stuff, not all of it b/c I have to admit a lot of it is super tacky/over the top! But some of her purses are like "made for me" But I had been eyeing this one up for a bit... It made me kinda happy.. I felt a bit like the old me who got exited about cute purses n shoes. Then I had this thought "Ugh why did I buy this expensive purse, I'm just going to have another blood clot and die" and I thought WHOA where did that come from.. this sneeky little thought slipped right through my subconious and surfaced right in my moment of happiness! Now I have to admit lately I've been doing a better job at beating down these thoughts but this one...like i said was so damn sneaky. My bad thoughts tend to pop up on the subject of my future, either reclotting of being stuck on coumadin for life... I've talked to my therapist about this, and she told me these feelings of sadness/uncertainty are pretty much inevitable but I need to stop 'Indulging' in them...Hmm I guess when they pop up I need to beat them down... like those 'whack a golpher' games that used to be in arcades... when you whack the little rodent that comes out of the hole with a mallet! My girlfriend and I got along this weekend, and it was so nice... every ounce of my life that I gain back no matter how small is like when man landed on the moon for the first time (or did he lol...wrong analogy?) Anyways you get my point every little thing is huge victory! I had done some major housework on Friday... Sweeping, moping the whole house for my mom and cleaning the bathroom and the kitchen. Then I ventured out and washed my car inside and out vaccum and all. After that I ran some errends...I was feeling soooo happy that I didnt get winded or out of breath ( besides that normal 'hey your out of shape' out of breath ) I think i was up and going from like 9 am - 5pm like on my feet doing stuff and I was ok... I felt like me. Sat. I ran around the mall with my girlfriend, just kinda walking neandering around being silly at home listening to music, I even literally ran in the parking lot of Target, and then again somewhere else just to see if I could handle running, and I was out of breath but not crazily...I was happy content I thought "hey...Im getting better" But I sooo paid for this sunday, sunday I experienced horrible muscle aches that went from my arms to my shoulders and my chest, I knew I wasnt having "Chest pain" and it was muscular but it still scared me and I was upset... Then all my happiness went down the drain and I lost to my thoughts of "your not getting better... you cant  anything active without being in pain later...what if you muscles are mush and ull never get them back" and it went on and on and on...I still felt achy into monday. Im feeling ok today I still feel a light ache in my arms. I just wish I knew if this was normal or not for recovery... I'll be the first to admit thats the most active ive been in a little over 5 months so logically it seems normal...but my mind tries to fool me into thinking somethings wrong. Ive been eating like a piggy...My girlfriend is chef so its easy! and with the holidays coming I see no end in site for my outrageous eating. Hopefully soon I'll get a handle on it! I really want to start on my treatmill again everyday, like I used to for an hour! I was loosing weight before my pe by doing that, without even dieting. But i get so discouraged when my muscles hurt... I guess they werent kidding when they said no pain no gain huh?  On a positive note, my girlfriends best friend is coming in town from CA, and not only is he a really fun and sweet guy ... but a total yoga freak who has learned from the best as I understand, hes promised to show me some good stretches espeically for my chest  muscles, and some others..hes says if I do them everyday it will really help! I am really looking forward to this bc I want badly to get healthy again. If I can find out the names of the stretches he shows me I will definately try to find them and post them for all of you! Thanksgiving is coming, and I have mixed emotions like every year... but now its worse bc my family just isnt close... its weird everyone is distent.. its always been that way and it will always be that way. But im looking forward to it a little less this year knowing that people will want to talk about my pe and I wont want to bc my family really doesnt get it and im through with trying to make them get it. So i think the best thing for me to do is just say I dont want to talk about it! The positive about it is I love thanksgiving food, and even though my family isnt really close the holiday does give an artificial sense of closeness lol. My INR might take a dive though Im so gunna eat brocoli, I havnt had brocoli in like 5 months haha. Ill drink a glass of wine to even that out I guess. So this is a lot of random stuff, but a nice change from talking only about blood clots! -And so the count continues T - 197 Days until June 10, 2009!