My Ward Round
I had my ward round. It was awful! They all sat there and said that my not talking, self harm, not being able to eat, and what hurt most of all, my 'suicidal threats' are attention seeking behaviours.I couldn't handle it. I left the hospital after the meeting without speaking to anyone. I sent a text to my Mum but she couldn't call me back straight away so I went for a walk. I went down to the river again. I only things that stopped me from chucking myself off that bridge is:1) It's too risky. I don't want to be saved if I decide I want to die. Plus someone could jump in after me and die themeselves, I couldn't live with that...ha! How ironic!and 2) I've spent the last 3 nights from about 11pm to 4:30am researching. I have a plan and I'm sticking with it.I sat by the river for a while and then my Mum finally called. I told her I was coming home and left a little while after.I cried so much when I got home, then I just went to bed as I didn't sleep at all last night again. Too busy reading up on stuff.I got a phone call at 4pm from my key worker asking where I was and why I left the unit. I told him I was at home and that I'm not going back. And I'm not. I'm sick of that place and them. They don't and never will understand. I've probably been branded for attention seeking by saying I'm not going back as well but I don't give a shit anymore. If I don't have to see them again, I don't care.Earlier on I was convinced I was going to carry out my plan, but tonight my Mum has been talking to me about everything. She knows how long and how hard I've been fighting. She said no one can make this decision for me, it's no one else's choice but mine. I know what she would want and how it would effect my family if I did it, but ultimately it's my choice.I don't know how I feel about it now. I still want to but I'm feeling kinda spaced out about everything. I wish I'd taken my keys with me today...I wouldn't have had to go back home at all.
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