My Update

I went to my Christian counselor yesterday, a woman who was brought to me by God at the time my husband was ill.  I prayed for God to  put me in the hands of the right counselor, one that was well suited for me, and he did.  We talked for an hour.  I was truthful, honest and laid everything out on the table.  And it felt good, and it felt right.
I am suffering from  some depression, that is robbing me of the progress I have made.  For that reason I am now on a low dose of Prozac.  I cried,  I felt like a weakling.  The psychiatrist told me that I was a very strong woman, and this was a setback.  After all, I do have a history of depression in my family, and I have suffered from it in the past.  Some people are strong enough to go through grief on their own, while some, like me, are not.  I've concluded that if my counselor becomes my best friend for years to come, so be it.  She is really the only person I get let my hair down with and get it all out, period.  And meds?  No difference to me than taking my HBP pill in the morning.
I told my counselor that I have come to realize (and this is coming from a control person), that God is ultimately in control, and I give my life to him.  All I can do is talk to him daily, tell him my likes and dislikes, what I feel, what I want, but in reading Psalm 139, he already knows that and knows my heart. 
I know my husband is not coming back, but I also know he is here.  There remains a spiritual connection to let me know that I am not alone, nor lonely.  Be it God or be it my husband, it doesn't matter.  I would like to think that it is both of them, for ultimately God reigns over all. 
I don't know what my future holds, but I choose not to worry about it either.  I know I am in a good place, both mentally and financially.  The location of my home is where I am supposed to be.  I don't like to think that I could or would be anywhere else, for it is just that, my home. 
Sometimes I don't feel I am doing the right thing by living on my own.  I have concluded and told my counselor that it is because my husband didn't want me to if something happened to him.  I hate to not abide by his wishes, but I have to be me now, like I was me then, but the me then allowed my husband to do it all because it was his way of protecting me, and often telling me that I couldn't, or I didn't know how.  That was why he was doing it.  I don't hate him for it, nor do I have ill feelings because of it.  It was his way, out of love and the man of the house, and often letting him take care of these things instead of proving a point that I could was easier and not a bruise to his ego.
I have often thought "what if" I can't?  Well, I have been for two years and looking back, it isn't bad.  Actually, I have enjoyed the freedom and peace.  No worries, no problems.  The only pitfall is the void that he left.  Nothing will fill that but time.  To sell everything would mean losing my independence, my sense of self worth and dignity.  I am not cut out to rent from my family and be their dependent, just because I think it is going to make me feel better.  Feel better?  I can feel better doing just what I am now.  And for me, that's good enough.