My Update
I went to my Christian counselor yesterday, a woman who was brought to me by God at the time my husband was ill. I prayed for God to put me in the hands of the right counselor, one that was well suited for me, and he did. We talked for an hour. I was truthful, honest and laid everything out on the table. And it felt good, and it felt right.
I am suffering from some depression, that is robbing me of the progress I have made. For that reason I am now on a low dose of Prozac. I cried, I felt like a weakling. The psychiatrist told me that I was a very strong woman, and this was a setback. After all, I do have a history of depression in my family, and I have suffered from it in the past. Some people are strong enough to go through grief on their own, while some, like me, are not. I've concluded that if my counselor becomes my best friend for years to come, so be it. She is really the only person I get let my hair down with and get it all out, period. And meds? No difference to me than taking my HBP pill in the morning.
I told my counselor that I have come to realize (and this is coming from a control person), that God is ultimately in control, and I give my life to him. All I can do is talk to him daily, tell him my likes and dislikes, what I feel, what I want, but in reading Psalm 139, he already knows that and knows my heart.
I know my husband is not coming back, but I also know he is here. There remains a spiritual connection to let me know that I am not alone, nor lonely. Be it God or be it my husband, it doesn't matter. I would like to think that it is both of them, for ultimately God reigns over all.
I don't know what my future holds, but I choose not to worry about it either. I know I am in a good place, both mentally and financially. The location of my home is where I am supposed to be. I don't like to think that I could or would be anywhere else, for it is just that, my home.
Sometimes I don't feel I am doing the right thing by living on my own. I have concluded and told my counselor that it is because my husband didn't want me to if something happened to him. I hate to not abide by his wishes, but I have to be me now, like I was me then, but the me then allowed my husband to do it all because it was his way of protecting me, and often telling me that I couldn't, or I didn't know how. That was why he was doing it. I don't hate him for it, nor do I have ill feelings because of it. It was his way, out of love and the man of the house, and often letting him take care of these things instead of proving a point that I could was easier and not a bruise to his ego.
I have often thought "what if" I can't? Well, I have been for two years and looking back, it isn't bad. Actually, I have enjoyed the freedom and peace. No worries, no problems. The only pitfall is the void that he left. Nothing will fill that but time. To sell everything would mean losing my independence, my sense of self worth and dignity. I am not cut out to rent from my family and be their dependent, just because I think it is going to make me feel better. Feel better? I can feel better doing just what I am now. And for me, that's good enough.
I am suffering from some depression, that is robbing me of the progress I have made. For that reason I am now on a low dose of Prozac. I cried, I felt like a weakling. The psychiatrist told me that I was a very strong woman, and this was a setback. After all, I do have a history of depression in my family, and I have suffered from it in the past. Some people are strong enough to go through grief on their own, while some, like me, are not. I've concluded that if my counselor becomes my best friend for years to come, so be it. She is really the only person I get let my hair down with and get it all out, period. And meds? No difference to me than taking my HBP pill in the morning.
I told my counselor that I have come to realize (and this is coming from a control person), that God is ultimately in control, and I give my life to him. All I can do is talk to him daily, tell him my likes and dislikes, what I feel, what I want, but in reading Psalm 139, he already knows that and knows my heart.
I know my husband is not coming back, but I also know he is here. There remains a spiritual connection to let me know that I am not alone, nor lonely. Be it God or be it my husband, it doesn't matter. I would like to think that it is both of them, for ultimately God reigns over all.
I don't know what my future holds, but I choose not to worry about it either. I know I am in a good place, both mentally and financially. The location of my home is where I am supposed to be. I don't like to think that I could or would be anywhere else, for it is just that, my home.
Sometimes I don't feel I am doing the right thing by living on my own. I have concluded and told my counselor that it is because my husband didn't want me to if something happened to him. I hate to not abide by his wishes, but I have to be me now, like I was me then, but the me then allowed my husband to do it all because it was his way of protecting me, and often telling me that I couldn't, or I didn't know how. That was why he was doing it. I don't hate him for it, nor do I have ill feelings because of it. It was his way, out of love and the man of the house, and often letting him take care of these things instead of proving a point that I could was easier and not a bruise to his ego.
I have often thought "what if" I can't? Well, I have been for two years and looking back, it isn't bad. Actually, I have enjoyed the freedom and peace. No worries, no problems. The only pitfall is the void that he left. Nothing will fill that but time. To sell everything would mean losing my independence, my sense of self worth and dignity. I am not cut out to rent from my family and be their dependent, just because I think it is going to make me feel better. Feel better? I can feel better doing just what I am now. And for me, that's good enough.
Replies
There are times I wake up at night and start worrying about money or bills or projects that I need to get done. I lay there wanting to sleep telling myself that there is NOTHING I can do about them right now. It is hard to just let go of our worry because it seems as if we are letting go of our control.
I recently approached my doctor about depression and he gave me something to take. I went on line and researched the product and decided to buy that newer car I was wanting instead...retail therapy...but I worried that I would not have my control once I started medication. That is just me and I haven\'t discounted the fact that I could easily slip into the depressed state again. Sometimes we need something to help us over the hump. Sounds as if you have found someone you can be truthful and open with in regard to your feelings. When you hear yourself speak out loud, some of the thoughts and fears that roll around in your mind, you find the real benefit of the therapy is hearing yourself. They are your trusted sounding board. You are learning independence. It can be a difficult subject but once learned you don\'t want to give it up, it will always be yours. You must do in life what suits you, what feels right for you. You can listen to other opinions but your life is yours to live. You don\'t try on shoes and find they are ill fitting and buy them because someone says they are cute..never to be worn because they hurt...a waste...Life is meant to be lived. The loss of our beloved spouses is a part of our lives that we are living through. Allow the flow of God to work through you, do not resits or question. Give up your worry...we can only control what we can control.
Hugs to you..Linda
Linda, the way I am looking at my financial situation is that I do what I can do. As long as they are paid, there is food (what little I eat) in the fridge, my cat has her morsels, and a roof over my head, I am OK. Maybe not super OK the way I would like, but blessed. Antidepressants do not make you lose your self-control. They take away the suffering aspects of depression, not grief itself. Based on how I was feeling, I will take the pill any day over the new car. The car isn\'t worth much if I don\'t feel like getting into it and driving. You know what I mean?
My sister and I come from a family with a history of depression. We just discussed that there are some people who can come through it without any help, and then others like us who need all the help we can get. I\'m not proud to admit that my counselor is truly the best thing that has happened to me since Dick passed. The second was adopting my precious cat.
If you can find it, look into the book \"Jesus Calling\" by Sarah Edwards. One passage from today - \"...Don\'t waste energy regretting the way things are or thinking about what might have been. Start at the present moment - accepting things exactly as they are - and search for My Way in the midst of these circumstances.\"
Blessings, Debbie
Hi Debbie...I really like your quote from Sarah Edwards- it just about sums it up! My older sister is a Christina psychologist and I am so blessed to have her live a stone\'s throw away from me. She is such a wonderful sounding board and I know when I call her she will come. She is extremely busy, but will always call me back if she has a client, even if it is just to talk. She was so wonderful with Mike while he was ill...she would come almost every day and pray over him and lay hands on him...and even though his cancer wasn\'t healed here on earth, she showed him such love and she showed him \"Jesus\" in her care for him. Sometimes I was just too tired to do that. And Mike really looked forward to her visits.
And I never did think that there was anything \"wrong\" with having to take antidepressants...they are a necessary med for some people...often due to chemical imbalances in the person, so needed to even things out. As you said, we think nothing of taking our HBP meds or for me using my insulin pump!
Praying that you feel better each day. Know that your friends here at DS care and send you love and hugs...peace, Jill
I took the time this afternoon to Google learning to live alone after the death of a spouse. Believe me, I was enlightened to be reinforced positively, especially since your home and its contents can bring you pain. The key is to not refrain from socialization and outside activities, but to also enjoy or try to enjoy the solitude of being alone. We can learn to be our own best friend and be \"comfortable\" with it.
I agree with the chemical imbalance, totally. The doctor calls my new drug Vitamin P.
Debbie,
I am so glad you have found a great Christian counselor in whom you can be honest & open with. What a blessing.
Loved that quote you shared. I had another friend recommend that same book. Must get it!
Sending you hugs,
ex-Jersey, Linda
Independence is a part of who we are. A home, our belongings do not define our independence, of course these things b makering us comfort, but our independence comes from the security of knowing that we are making our own decisions, doing what is best for us and what will bring us peace. I have moved in with my mom, becuase it does me good to be able to give her companionship, and to help her financially, gives me my sense of worth, I am giving back to her.She is divorcesed and lives in a large home that could accomodate some of my furniture and my own space. But I must say, I do miss having my own home,but then again, there are a lot of things that are missing in my life, that I no longer have. Its good that your convictions are true to your heart. You deserve to have your sense of self. Its good to hear that you have found a good counselor and friend.
The biggest part of being widowed is not having that companionship and sense of worth. I really don\'t want to give up my home. I had thought in the past about giving it all up and moving in with a family member or friend, but it would only be short term, for I would eventually need to get out on my own again. There are never any easy answers to anything. We just do the best we can and allow God to mark our path.
Remember the confidence that came with your first boyfriend?
My husband gave me tons of confidence.
Now..........my personality is different.
Cher was never as good without Sonny. Lucy without Ricky. Me without Bill. Yuk.
Sounds like you are doing what you need to to make it through this very stressful, sad journey. I am glad you are finding your way. Christian counselor is what I should have seen too. I read what I could (lots of books on grief) and pray for comfort. God has been so good, even though there have been many trials and heartaches since my sweet, loving husband went to heaven. My children, friends and family(those who are left) have helped me move forward. Prozac too! didn\'t want to start that, but necesary. Prayers for us all, hugs, Darlene
Debbie, It\'s a good thing that you have a counselor that you trust and can unload your problems too and she is helping you. I fought the depression meds, went on and off 3 times til this last time - I know I have to take them or be a total wreck, have panic attacks, etc. It was explained to me this way. There seems to be a family connection whether it\'s a gene thing, a chemical imbalance but depression does really seem to run in families. After talking openly about my panic attacks, I was amazed how many others have them. Can\'t tell you how that made me feel - WOW - I\'m not nuts or close to being locked up!!! Many people are in the same place. Like DS, it helps when you share with people that really understand.
I had my son and his girlfriend at the time and her little girl move in with me shortly after Dick died. I didn\'t think I could be alone, and everyone agreed with me. NO - it was not good for any of us.They moved out last winter. I married Dick right out of high school and never lived on my own. There are many things I do enjoy about it. I am also finding courage that I didn\'t know I had in me. It feels a lot like I\'m just now growing up.
My husband was much like yours. Always taking care of everyone and everything. I let him do it too. But we can do this. I find comfort thinking back to other women, they made it and I can too! You can do this!!
Hugs,
Kathy