My Ultrasound, Birthday Weekend And Maybe Helping My Son Move
I came in and she told me “You survived!” What she meant was some hard things this weekend and today. “Yes,” I told her. She asked me if I had a happy birthday. Yes I did and I’ll tell her about it but first I thanked her for the message she left me. It saved me from calling so much and was really good. She only nodded. I started with the ultrasound today. I told her she was right – I couldn’t do it. But I don’t have the results yet because I couldn’t stay until at least 12:30 when I had to be here by 1 PM. He’s supposed to call me later.
Here’s what happened. I kept going to the bathroom at home like I knew I would. Then I left and that parking garage (she said she knows) is always very crowded and hard to find a parking spot. I needed to go to the bathroom and not being able to find a parking place is like a locked door to me. She agreed. I decided at home I better wear Little Bertha. And a good thing I did because I really needed to go by the time I found a spot. When I got out I knew I wasn’t going to make it in all the way. My pants were wet – not a lot like when I’m not wearing anything – but enough for me to see or others if they looked. Hopefully no one would look. And I couldn’t change my clothes because I only had one other set and what if I needed to use them.
So I went into the waiting room of my doctor’s office and waited. By the time she called me in I needed to go again. We said hi. Going in I told her “Her Name, I’m dying.” She said to get up on the table and she’ll do the outer – I don’t even need to take my clothes off yet. I did and really needed to go. She asked me if I can do this. I think I froze a little and told her I didn’t know or couldn’t and she told me to just go. I had started going by then. I went into the bathroom and she couldn’t do the test again with a full bladder (like last year she couldn’t). She asked me about the door. I told her yes. As soon as I saw that door handle all those memories came back about it being locked last time. Thank goodness this time it wasn’t. She also asked me if I had Little Bertha on. No – it was all wet from before. I had to throw it away.
She asked me how much time had gone by. I told her 15-20 minute but I had been drinking. I didn’t want her to think I can’t do 15-20 minutes. I said how I was glad she didn’t know I was going or about anything else. But at least I tried. She asked me if I would have done anything differently for next time because I’ll probably have to have another one next year. I couldn’t think of anything and asked her. She said that I have to be careful and not get myself into situations that I can’t do. I think she said if it was her she wouldn’t do it with a full bladder. When I questioned that she said or to not drink ahead of time and come 45 minutes early and sit in the office and drink. I questioned that maybe my bladder wouldn’t be full enough. She said I know I can at least go that long. She also had said that maybe next year I’ll be able to wait longer – I’m working on that. And then I would have to worry about it. I nodded like that would be great.
I told her how I should be at the baseball game. I had tickets and gave them up. Too much going on with the ultrasound, her (we said I could have re-arranged that though), my computer class and my grandson sleeping over. But I really wanted to go. She acted like it was my choice. It was and I was afraid about the ultrasound. She said I could have rescheduled that. But it was cool because I came home after and my son and his girlfriend were getting ready for the game. And what a beautiful day! My son asked me to move/sew a button on for him. Sure … no problem. I love helping people.
Then I told her about my grandson coming over tonight to spend the night. I’ll drop him off at school in the morning and go over to the hospital and be with my daughter. But she might be in recovery by then. I can only do the best I can.
The Trivia Night Saturday night was fine. We went out to dinner first and I made sure I went to the bathroom before we left the restaurant. During was fine – I went whenever I needed to. My friend and I aren’t very good so we weren’t needed all the time. Some are like professionals and one lady was a whiz. They had a silent auction and I won a tour of the stadium and little dressed bear. So that was nice.
OK … my birthday. In the morning we went to meet our friend at breakfast. We got there and I got a text. I asked her to guess. She said my youngest saying Happy Birthday. Yes! Happy Birthday and I Love You. She thought that was great. It was – it made my day with something else I’ll tell her about later. My friend made sure almost everyone at the restaurant knew it was my birthday. Also the night before at Trivia Night! She said, “See and you thought people wouldn’t notice.” I said yes, but not so much with my family. I did get Happy Birthdays on my Facebook, too. Good.
We picked up our grandson for Sunday School. I knew I was going to get tackled when I got inside from my granddaughter. Sure enough – I did. But no one said anything about my birthday. I sighed and looked at my daughter. Kind of sarcastically she said to me, “Happy Birthday Mom”. She said she did write on my Facebook and Twitter. And she did, “Happy Birthday Mommy”. She says Mommy sometimes – she does that. Everything that’s pertaining to her she’s very close but nothing about me. She said it’s something I’m feeling and to sometime talk to her about it. I shrugged.
Then my husband and I did our errands and when we got back home all the kids were there. Except my youngest – but I was talking to him on the phone. So that was cool but I was really missing him. After I got off the phone my middle son came over to me and gave me a hug and wished me a happy birthday. She said that was nice.
I told her how I wanted to do something different. I didn’t want to control and plan things because I always do. I wanted to sit back on this one but it didn’t happened. It was such a beautiful day I decided we were all going to go to the park, the kids can play, I can teach them the game of ‘Spud’ and we can have pizza for dinner. That’s what we did. She asked me what park? S because I know where the bathrooms are. I feel safe there. She asked about my middle son’s girlfriend. I told her she was going to come but couldn’t - working. She’s always late. At first it aggravated me but then I decided not to wait for her (we saved her pizza) and just go on. She can’t control my life. My therapist nodded.
We had a great time. I made it fun. My poor husband can’t do what I can but that’s OK. She said she does remember the game. It’s in my book I reminded her. I did feel good for me to throw the ball at my daughter like some retaliation. My son, too. She said some aggression coming out. Yes. She asked me how I felt about doing that and all being together. Great! She said to learn from it for next year. I told her again how I didn’t want to but I would have been unhappy if I didn’t. I said that I just have to accept the fact that in my family, and others, I have to be the one in control. She didn’t like that word so we decided on the organizer, planner or facilitator. Controller is like I’m not open to others and I am. After we came home and had presents and birthday cake. They all left and my son and his girlfriend hung around for a while.
Ok … now about my youngest son’s phone call. He’s very anxious to move up north. He has thousands now (more than I have), is overstaying his welcome, is paying rent and each day he doesn’t move he’s loosing money. He’s making another trip in a few days. It’s too expensive to do a U Hall. I told her, “You know how I sometimes say things that I really do want to do but after I say it I’m not so sure?” I asked her what she thought I offered. She thought money. No. Then she thought for me to go out there and help him. Yes. She thought that was wonderful. Her sister’s daughter is moving from LA back to Ohio and her sister is flying out there next week and then they are driving back together. She laughed and said I need to do this to learn his trade and do it in that community here. That will be my new job. We both laughed. Could she really be serious? Maybe I don’t know her very well like I thought I did.
I was worried it almost sounded like a lie. Kind of fake. But I do want to do it. She said my subconscious just came out and said it. She thinks I should. Great bonding time with my son and that’s what mom’s do – help their kids. Plus, as she knows, I love to help people. I told her, and I know she’s a Mom, what that meant to me when he said “Mom, I would love for you to come out and help me move. I would appreciate that so much.” Just wonderful.
She knows we would have our conflicts. We talked a little about logistics and travel out there and going out there. Driving? Flying? Renting a car? My husband going and then flying back? A friend going and then flying back? She said it would be an adventure and they would pay their own way back. Several options. She doesn’t seem to think safety would be an issue as much as my husband (breakdowns) or me (staying alone in a hotel room).
During this I needed to go to the bathroom. I just went on talking after we both glanced at the clock. I asked at five minutes. It got harder to concentrate and talk and I said so. Finally I said, “I better go.” She repeated it and I went, came back and asked where we were. We continued. At the point of how long it would take to drive from southern to northern. I forget to ask how long it was. Maybe 7 minutes. Wish it was longer.
Something funny but no, not really funny. She did say that I worry more than anyone she knows – like not a good thing. I said I just don’t like surprises and like to plan ahead. She just seemed like maybe she’s tired of it. I can’t pinpoint it. Like when I said about how different it is if I’d go. She said I’ve practiced or know how to handle things from previously. But this is with my son - not my husband. It’s different. My husband has seen accidents and he hasn’t . He just knows I go a lot and even said it would take 2 days to go up north with as much as I stop. I told him I stop a lot but I’m fast. She understood that I wouldn’t want him to know about accidents, or products. She said some things you just keep from your kids. I don’t think she understands how hard it would be to keep all of this from him.
She said I could take a separate suitcase, like a make-up case, just to put my products in them. Make-up and jewelry could go on top and the products on the bottom so no one will see. And lots of different types of products. She went to a medical supply place on Br and there’s a whole section of products. I could go in and ask. I gave her a look. She knows I wouldn’t want to do that. She said that there may be inserts in underwear or disposable pads.
It’s almost like she thinks I should know all this. But each trip is different. I don’t think she realized how much time I’d be with my son and how many chances I could have an accident. All the hiding. All the feelings. Something she seems to be dismissing. And almost like she really wants me to go to get rid of me for a while. Something’s not right but I can’t quite express it.
She said it could be my lifetime dream. I want to do this! I’ve always wanted to travel out west. And I want to do this myself, not with my husband. She did, at the very beginning when I told her, told me I can stop when I want, be my own boss and such. I said and if I had an accident no one would know. Right. She said to drive I’d have to bring a lot of music or books on tape. It’s far. She said Cracker Barrel (her sister does this) rents books on tape and returns it at another Cracker Barrel.
She asked if I know anyone along the way to stay there. No – only a cousin in D but I don’t know him that well. See … she doesn’t realize things. This is very strange. It’s like she really doesn’t want me to worry anymore so she’s wanting to take all my worries away and forget they are there to still deal with. They are still there and need to be dealt with! But she want me to make this a cool trip for me and to see more and stop where I want to and even asked me what I would want to see. Yes, I would want to drive to see that part of the country. I’ve always flown. She said when we was little she saw but she didn’t seem to remember much.
She said that all of this is getting out and really enjoying life so much and being fulfilled. Having a fulfilling life. All the birthday stuff with my family, the Trivia Night, maybe going out to help my son. And all preparing to get a job. She also pointed out that I can do this now. Not everyone can just pick up and go and like maybe later I wouldn’t be able to with job obligations. She’s right.
We also talked about me continuing to do what the doctor said in waiting and increasing. First she suggested to do the 45 minutes this week and then an hour next week. I did tell her on a message that I decided to do 45 minutes to start instead of an hour to try to be more successful. But then she said that may be too fast. To do 45 minutes this week and 50 minutes next week. I didn’t say but this will take forever …. !!!!
She said the key is to not worry and do prepare that they all come together in some way. She had asked me when this would happen. I did say that he may find that he doesn’t have the credit and stay in southern or come back here or go closer to here where he used to live. But I don’t want to give him money because he owes me too much already and says he’ll pay me back sometime but who knows. She agreed with that. And I don’t want to be a co-signer. He did ask if he’d have to pay for some of my stuff. I told him not to worry about that now – we’d figure it out. So he’s going this week and I told him to call me when he knows more. So it can be any time. And I said I’d look for him, too and wondered if I shouldn’t have said that (I’ve said that in the past). She acted like it was OK.
I told her if I do go, and she thinks I should, she’ll have to work with me. She said she would but … something I feel is funny. Maybe something with her. I just don’t know. She kept like pulling down her shirt or looking at something on herself. And her arm was crossed funny. But I can imagine anything. We ended with her telling me she’s sure we’ll be talking more about this. Yes.
Couple things from tonight. How ironic that I sit next to my travel agent at my computer class tonight. My grandson was very quiet and is hoarse tonight. I hope he’s not coming down with something. My granddaughter is throwing up tonight. She was all over me yesterday – I’m so scared. I want to call my therapist so bad but she won’t like that and we went through this whole thing today about too much worry. I hope to God I (or anyone else) doesn’t get anything! Thank you. And … my son called tonight and he really, really wants me to come and help him move. He thinks I should fly and rent a car and not drive because all together it would be at least 8,000 miles. Now time to go to bed.
Here’s what happened. I kept going to the bathroom at home like I knew I would. Then I left and that parking garage (she said she knows) is always very crowded and hard to find a parking spot. I needed to go to the bathroom and not being able to find a parking place is like a locked door to me. She agreed. I decided at home I better wear Little Bertha. And a good thing I did because I really needed to go by the time I found a spot. When I got out I knew I wasn’t going to make it in all the way. My pants were wet – not a lot like when I’m not wearing anything – but enough for me to see or others if they looked. Hopefully no one would look. And I couldn’t change my clothes because I only had one other set and what if I needed to use them.
So I went into the waiting room of my doctor’s office and waited. By the time she called me in I needed to go again. We said hi. Going in I told her “Her Name, I’m dying.” She said to get up on the table and she’ll do the outer – I don’t even need to take my clothes off yet. I did and really needed to go. She asked me if I can do this. I think I froze a little and told her I didn’t know or couldn’t and she told me to just go. I had started going by then. I went into the bathroom and she couldn’t do the test again with a full bladder (like last year she couldn’t). She asked me about the door. I told her yes. As soon as I saw that door handle all those memories came back about it being locked last time. Thank goodness this time it wasn’t. She also asked me if I had Little Bertha on. No – it was all wet from before. I had to throw it away.
She asked me how much time had gone by. I told her 15-20 minute but I had been drinking. I didn’t want her to think I can’t do 15-20 minutes. I said how I was glad she didn’t know I was going or about anything else. But at least I tried. She asked me if I would have done anything differently for next time because I’ll probably have to have another one next year. I couldn’t think of anything and asked her. She said that I have to be careful and not get myself into situations that I can’t do. I think she said if it was her she wouldn’t do it with a full bladder. When I questioned that she said or to not drink ahead of time and come 45 minutes early and sit in the office and drink. I questioned that maybe my bladder wouldn’t be full enough. She said I know I can at least go that long. She also had said that maybe next year I’ll be able to wait longer – I’m working on that. And then I would have to worry about it. I nodded like that would be great.
I told her how I should be at the baseball game. I had tickets and gave them up. Too much going on with the ultrasound, her (we said I could have re-arranged that though), my computer class and my grandson sleeping over. But I really wanted to go. She acted like it was my choice. It was and I was afraid about the ultrasound. She said I could have rescheduled that. But it was cool because I came home after and my son and his girlfriend were getting ready for the game. And what a beautiful day! My son asked me to move/sew a button on for him. Sure … no problem. I love helping people.
Then I told her about my grandson coming over tonight to spend the night. I’ll drop him off at school in the morning and go over to the hospital and be with my daughter. But she might be in recovery by then. I can only do the best I can.
The Trivia Night Saturday night was fine. We went out to dinner first and I made sure I went to the bathroom before we left the restaurant. During was fine – I went whenever I needed to. My friend and I aren’t very good so we weren’t needed all the time. Some are like professionals and one lady was a whiz. They had a silent auction and I won a tour of the stadium and little dressed bear. So that was nice.
OK … my birthday. In the morning we went to meet our friend at breakfast. We got there and I got a text. I asked her to guess. She said my youngest saying Happy Birthday. Yes! Happy Birthday and I Love You. She thought that was great. It was – it made my day with something else I’ll tell her about later. My friend made sure almost everyone at the restaurant knew it was my birthday. Also the night before at Trivia Night! She said, “See and you thought people wouldn’t notice.” I said yes, but not so much with my family. I did get Happy Birthdays on my Facebook, too. Good.
We picked up our grandson for Sunday School. I knew I was going to get tackled when I got inside from my granddaughter. Sure enough – I did. But no one said anything about my birthday. I sighed and looked at my daughter. Kind of sarcastically she said to me, “Happy Birthday Mom”. She said she did write on my Facebook and Twitter. And she did, “Happy Birthday Mommy”. She says Mommy sometimes – she does that. Everything that’s pertaining to her she’s very close but nothing about me. She said it’s something I’m feeling and to sometime talk to her about it. I shrugged.
Then my husband and I did our errands and when we got back home all the kids were there. Except my youngest – but I was talking to him on the phone. So that was cool but I was really missing him. After I got off the phone my middle son came over to me and gave me a hug and wished me a happy birthday. She said that was nice.
I told her how I wanted to do something different. I didn’t want to control and plan things because I always do. I wanted to sit back on this one but it didn’t happened. It was such a beautiful day I decided we were all going to go to the park, the kids can play, I can teach them the game of ‘Spud’ and we can have pizza for dinner. That’s what we did. She asked me what park? S because I know where the bathrooms are. I feel safe there. She asked about my middle son’s girlfriend. I told her she was going to come but couldn’t - working. She’s always late. At first it aggravated me but then I decided not to wait for her (we saved her pizza) and just go on. She can’t control my life. My therapist nodded.
We had a great time. I made it fun. My poor husband can’t do what I can but that’s OK. She said she does remember the game. It’s in my book I reminded her. I did feel good for me to throw the ball at my daughter like some retaliation. My son, too. She said some aggression coming out. Yes. She asked me how I felt about doing that and all being together. Great! She said to learn from it for next year. I told her again how I didn’t want to but I would have been unhappy if I didn’t. I said that I just have to accept the fact that in my family, and others, I have to be the one in control. She didn’t like that word so we decided on the organizer, planner or facilitator. Controller is like I’m not open to others and I am. After we came home and had presents and birthday cake. They all left and my son and his girlfriend hung around for a while.
Ok … now about my youngest son’s phone call. He’s very anxious to move up north. He has thousands now (more than I have), is overstaying his welcome, is paying rent and each day he doesn’t move he’s loosing money. He’s making another trip in a few days. It’s too expensive to do a U Hall. I told her, “You know how I sometimes say things that I really do want to do but after I say it I’m not so sure?” I asked her what she thought I offered. She thought money. No. Then she thought for me to go out there and help him. Yes. She thought that was wonderful. Her sister’s daughter is moving from LA back to Ohio and her sister is flying out there next week and then they are driving back together. She laughed and said I need to do this to learn his trade and do it in that community here. That will be my new job. We both laughed. Could she really be serious? Maybe I don’t know her very well like I thought I did.
I was worried it almost sounded like a lie. Kind of fake. But I do want to do it. She said my subconscious just came out and said it. She thinks I should. Great bonding time with my son and that’s what mom’s do – help their kids. Plus, as she knows, I love to help people. I told her, and I know she’s a Mom, what that meant to me when he said “Mom, I would love for you to come out and help me move. I would appreciate that so much.” Just wonderful.
She knows we would have our conflicts. We talked a little about logistics and travel out there and going out there. Driving? Flying? Renting a car? My husband going and then flying back? A friend going and then flying back? She said it would be an adventure and they would pay their own way back. Several options. She doesn’t seem to think safety would be an issue as much as my husband (breakdowns) or me (staying alone in a hotel room).
During this I needed to go to the bathroom. I just went on talking after we both glanced at the clock. I asked at five minutes. It got harder to concentrate and talk and I said so. Finally I said, “I better go.” She repeated it and I went, came back and asked where we were. We continued. At the point of how long it would take to drive from southern to northern. I forget to ask how long it was. Maybe 7 minutes. Wish it was longer.
Something funny but no, not really funny. She did say that I worry more than anyone she knows – like not a good thing. I said I just don’t like surprises and like to plan ahead. She just seemed like maybe she’s tired of it. I can’t pinpoint it. Like when I said about how different it is if I’d go. She said I’ve practiced or know how to handle things from previously. But this is with my son - not my husband. It’s different. My husband has seen accidents and he hasn’t . He just knows I go a lot and even said it would take 2 days to go up north with as much as I stop. I told him I stop a lot but I’m fast. She understood that I wouldn’t want him to know about accidents, or products. She said some things you just keep from your kids. I don’t think she understands how hard it would be to keep all of this from him.
She said I could take a separate suitcase, like a make-up case, just to put my products in them. Make-up and jewelry could go on top and the products on the bottom so no one will see. And lots of different types of products. She went to a medical supply place on Br and there’s a whole section of products. I could go in and ask. I gave her a look. She knows I wouldn’t want to do that. She said that there may be inserts in underwear or disposable pads.
It’s almost like she thinks I should know all this. But each trip is different. I don’t think she realized how much time I’d be with my son and how many chances I could have an accident. All the hiding. All the feelings. Something she seems to be dismissing. And almost like she really wants me to go to get rid of me for a while. Something’s not right but I can’t quite express it.
She said it could be my lifetime dream. I want to do this! I’ve always wanted to travel out west. And I want to do this myself, not with my husband. She did, at the very beginning when I told her, told me I can stop when I want, be my own boss and such. I said and if I had an accident no one would know. Right. She said to drive I’d have to bring a lot of music or books on tape. It’s far. She said Cracker Barrel (her sister does this) rents books on tape and returns it at another Cracker Barrel.
She asked if I know anyone along the way to stay there. No – only a cousin in D but I don’t know him that well. See … she doesn’t realize things. This is very strange. It’s like she really doesn’t want me to worry anymore so she’s wanting to take all my worries away and forget they are there to still deal with. They are still there and need to be dealt with! But she want me to make this a cool trip for me and to see more and stop where I want to and even asked me what I would want to see. Yes, I would want to drive to see that part of the country. I’ve always flown. She said when we was little she saw but she didn’t seem to remember much.
She said that all of this is getting out and really enjoying life so much and being fulfilled. Having a fulfilling life. All the birthday stuff with my family, the Trivia Night, maybe going out to help my son. And all preparing to get a job. She also pointed out that I can do this now. Not everyone can just pick up and go and like maybe later I wouldn’t be able to with job obligations. She’s right.
We also talked about me continuing to do what the doctor said in waiting and increasing. First she suggested to do the 45 minutes this week and then an hour next week. I did tell her on a message that I decided to do 45 minutes to start instead of an hour to try to be more successful. But then she said that may be too fast. To do 45 minutes this week and 50 minutes next week. I didn’t say but this will take forever …. !!!!
She said the key is to not worry and do prepare that they all come together in some way. She had asked me when this would happen. I did say that he may find that he doesn’t have the credit and stay in southern or come back here or go closer to here where he used to live. But I don’t want to give him money because he owes me too much already and says he’ll pay me back sometime but who knows. She agreed with that. And I don’t want to be a co-signer. He did ask if he’d have to pay for some of my stuff. I told him not to worry about that now – we’d figure it out. So he’s going this week and I told him to call me when he knows more. So it can be any time. And I said I’d look for him, too and wondered if I shouldn’t have said that (I’ve said that in the past). She acted like it was OK.
I told her if I do go, and she thinks I should, she’ll have to work with me. She said she would but … something I feel is funny. Maybe something with her. I just don’t know. She kept like pulling down her shirt or looking at something on herself. And her arm was crossed funny. But I can imagine anything. We ended with her telling me she’s sure we’ll be talking more about this. Yes.
Couple things from tonight. How ironic that I sit next to my travel agent at my computer class tonight. My grandson was very quiet and is hoarse tonight. I hope he’s not coming down with something. My granddaughter is throwing up tonight. She was all over me yesterday – I’m so scared. I want to call my therapist so bad but she won’t like that and we went through this whole thing today about too much worry. I hope to God I (or anyone else) doesn’t get anything! Thank you. And … my son called tonight and he really, really wants me to come and help him move. He thinks I should fly and rent a car and not drive because all together it would be at least 8,000 miles. Now time to go to bed.
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