My twenty year journey leading up to seeking a diagnosis. Possible Endometriosis.

I've always known I wouldn't be a mother. I've known since before I knew what reproduction was.. It's been a deep down feeling, a psychic-ness, a premonition if you will. I knew I would never feel a baby in my belly. I'm comfortable with it. I'm not happy nor sad about it. I guess I'm just indifferent.
 
Knowing what I did, I guess that's why I put it off for so long. I knew that I haven't been normal, but with no expectation of what the other girls saw in their future, I never asked questions or fought to get real help.
 
I'm thirty-two. I've had my period for twenty years and it's always been extreme. Extremely painful, extremely heavy and extremely frequent. Only now has it gotten to the point of needing answers, needing help.
 
My first few memories of my period were sitting on the toilet in my bathroom, crying because of all of the blood, crying about bleeding through pads and ruining my underwear. I remember thinking about the years to come and if it would always be this bad. It was worse than I could have imagined.
 
My periods were regular from my first one to the last one I had two weeks ago. Every twenty-one to twenty-five days the blood would come. I was using tampons by my fourth cycle, the pads couldn't absorb quickly enough or they filled too quickly. Over the years I found the right combo of tampon and pad. Trial and error.
 
For a long while every pair of underwear I had was ruined. I've ruined jeans. I've embarrassed myself by bleeding through many times. I've not made it to the bathroom so many times I've lost count. I knew and know that this isn't normal.
 
I doubted myself. Many doctors told me that some girls have heavy periods, that twenty-eight days is only an average, that four days of bleeding is only an average too. That I'm just unlucky for bleeding for seven or eight days, for getting my period every three weeks and for bleeding so much that super tampons are no match for me.
 
I start to get PMS symptoms a week before it all starts. This leaves me with one week of normalcy. One week is not enough. Not nearly enough. 
 
I've grown up with this. Twenty years of the same relentless thing. It's NORMAL for me. That's probably why I didn't speak up, why I didn't fight for my health and why I'm scared now. I could have prevented some of this by just persevering a diagnosis. 
 
My monthly visitor didn't always hurt. The pain started somewhere in my teenage years. I can't say when exactly it started, but it has always hurt rectally. I remember complaining to my mom about pain shooting up my butt. She would remind me that it was all attached. Every period would bring the onslaught of diarrhea. I've spent too many hours sitting on the toilet trying to figure out if I'm experiencing cramps or diarrhea pangs. Sometimes both would hit me at the same time and I could barely work my way through the pain. 
 
I wasn't loud enough to the doctors, they would ask me during my yearly check ups and I would tell them, but I didn't do it with enough conviction or I just wasn't believable. No matter the pain I've always been good at dealing with it. I've been good at putting on a face. I've never missed a day of school or a day of work because of it. It's not that it hurt less I just pushed through. I've not allowed myself to succumb to it. I should have, this would have made someone listen or take me seriously.
 
I started using birth control in my teens and continued on and off into my twenties. Birth control gave me some physical relief and spaced my periods out better. The emotional toll it took on me was much different. I sold my pain for mental instability and weight gain. It wasn't worth it. I chose the pain and blood after all.
 
Around twenty I had an abnormal pap that followed with several colposcopies and a leep cone biopsy. I was better for a while and then had another abnormal pap and that followed with freezing my cervix. After all of that I was relieved just to have normal paps and considered it a successful yearly check up from then on. I stopped complaining about the pain, frequency and heaviness of my periods. 
 
I got married and for the first time in my life I had someone who was listening to how I felt. Around twenty-nine or thirty I started to feel physically bad, not period related. Just terrible all the time. I went to a doctor who suggested anti-depressants. I knew this wasn't what I needed, but since she had no answers I didn't go back. Just added it to the pile of things I always knew were wrong and continued to not look for answers. My husband didn't let it go that easy.
 
Finally with his encouragement, at the age of thirty-one I went to the doctor who finally listened and cared. I was feeling so bad all the time that my menstruation issues were put on the back burner, but at the same time I went to an OB/GYN first before going to a doctor. I told her my history, I told her my current symptoms, she did a pelvic exam with which I experienced pain and ordered an ultrasound to look for cysts. She had a hunch about my other symptoms and ordered some blood work.
 
I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Disease and borderline Celiac. My ultrasound was normal and she mentioned possible Endometriosis but couldn't verify without surgery. I didn't want surgery and after stopping the consumption of gluten I was feeling so much better. I researched everything I could about the link between Hashimoto's and Celiac, about keeping my thyroid healthy by eliminating gluten from my life. I read articles and books. I took charge. My periods were still awful but I was used to that awful. Endometriosis wasn't in my mind with my new found diagnosis and life changing diet.
 
I'm now thirty-two and I've changed. I've learned how to advocate for myself, learned that it was my job to research and find answers. I believe I am more accurately and acutely aware of how I physically feel. Now that I have everything else feeling normal I realized just how much my periods make me feel like crap. 
 
My periods have finally progressed beyond my normal nightmare. I have pain on my right ovary area constantly, I have started bleeding rectally during my period. I bleed vaginally when I have a bowel movement regardless of what time of the month it is. Having a bowel movement during my period is complete torture. I'm spotting before and after my period. Sex hurts me. My cramps that have always shot up my rectum are NOT NORMAL. My heavy, heavy periods are NOT NORMAL, getting my periods every three weeks is TOO OFTEN and bleeding through super tampons in under an hour is TOO MUCH! I'm tired of it. Exhausted really.
 
I went to the OB and said exactly that. Guess what? She listened. I stood up for myself and was listened to. I go for another ultrasound tomorrow. I have an appointment with a specialist in just two weeks. My general practitioner is on board, my nurse practitioner is on board and they are working with me and helping me. 
 
Now I'm scared. I'm worried that I've waited too long. I'm worried about the damage that has been allowed to continue. I knew I wasn't going to have children, I've always known. I don't even want them. But I'm afraid that I'm going to hear the word "infertile" and feel as though I've lost something feminine about myself. I'm afraid of surgery, I'm afraid of the diagnosis and what comes with the future of having endometriosis. I feel heartbroken for myself.