My Trip With My Kids

The trip with my kids went fine.  It wasn’t perfect but I made my own fun.  My grandson had this horrible cold and was miserable for the first couple days and then my daughter got it and was miserable for the last couple days.  We were gone for 4 days, 3 nights.  But we did a lot.  We went to lots of museums and attractions.  We even got to have dinner with a cousin of mine.  Very nice.    It’s just that I’m such a happy, fun-loving, sun-shiny type of person with a lot of energy.  I like to go places, laugh, have fun, cut-up, experience so much.  My daughter and her boyfriend argued a lot.  He got on my nerves with him thinking he knows everything and he’s right.  Some of the things he says are so “off” and I’d say something.  But, I didn’t like the arguing.  I’m just not like that.  I know my daughter didn’t feel well but I just have so much more energy and stamina than they do – and I’m older!  Oh, yeah … he did propose to her on this trip.    So I got into fun stuff with my grandson and just tried to make my own fun when they were quiet and too serious about things.  Sometimes I feel like I’m just in the wrong family.  Or, I can look at it that they are!  One time I went shopping by myself.  I had a ball and it was very nice to get away for a bit by myself.    I did have one accident that they saw.  A couple others that I was able to hide and they had no idea.  The one was going up there in the car.  I was sitting up in front with my daughter’s boyfriend.  We had gotten lost and we were actually looking for a gas station to get gas.  I told him I needed to go.  Sometimes I don’t think anyone takes me seriously.  And it’s that way when I talk in general.  They completely ignore me sometimes.  It’s like it goes completely over their head.  No comments, not a thing.  It’s so frustrating and I do the opposite with them.  If they say something to me I always answer and comment.  Just doesn’t seem fair.  I keep hoping they’ll learn from me but so far not.  It feels bad, too.  Like I’m not worthy of anything – but I know I am.  It’s them and not me.    My therapist suggested I bring a blanket so if I needed to go and had an accident no one could see what’s underneath the blanket.  I didn’t bring a blanket but I had my pillow.  And, yes when I had to go badly they didn’t see at all what was going on.  Kind of a sense of security.  But I told him how badly I needed to go, that I was about to pee and all he said was, “I’m driving as fast as I can.”  He wasn’t.    So we found a gas station and he said he didn’t think it had a bathroom.  What – no bathroom?  He pulled up and I had already started going and trying everything I could not to get it on the seat (my brain went on vacation that I didn’t even think to sit on a plastic bag and it happened so quickly) and then he stopped the car when we got there.  I just got out of the car and squatted down right there next to the car and went the rest of the way.  My daughter asked me if I pulled down my pants.  No – it was on a major street!    I was so embarrassed.  I didn’t know what to do.  It went all the way down my leg and there was a puddle on the pavement.  My daughter’s boyfriend was finished pumping gas and my daughter gave me a plastic bag to sit on.  I couldn’t even sit right on the seat.  I had to sit kind of laying back with my legs up so I wouldn’t get the seat wet because it was down my legs.  We looked and looked for a place for me to change.  Finally I told them if they leave the car I can change in the car.  Finally we saw a shopping center with a grocery store.    I kept saying how embarrassing this was and once my daughter told me to stop talking about it.  It really wasn’t much at all and it hurt my feelings that she cut me off like that.  I don’t like attention on it but not like that.  Sometimes I need to talk a little or I’ll start that quiet/shame thing I sometimes get into.    When we got there I had to get out of the car.  My pants were soaked.  I put my coat around my waist but it didn’t cover everything.  I told them to walk next to me to sort of protect me that others can’t see.  We had to walk through the parking lot and through the store.  Then I told my daughter to walk to the bathroom (I had to even ask where it was) so I didn’t feel like I was walking alone – like a spectacle.  She left when I went into the bathroom.  My grandson was so out of it with his cold he had no clue what was going on.  Thank goodness!   Luckily I had a change of clothes with me in my purse like my therapist suggested.  I changed and came out to find them in the store.  My daughter did ask me if that’s ever happened to me before.  Yes.  If she only knew how often I have accidents.  No – she can’t know!  It was so humiliating having the accident in front of them and then having to walk in and through the store with my pants soaked.  I consoled myself by telling myself I’m in a strange city, I don’t know anyone there and will never see them again.   Once, in the car before that, I was so embarrassed to ask to stop because of what he said earlier about not stopping much, I used that heavy pad I did have on then.  That was humiliating too!  I felt like a baby or an old lady and had to sit in it, reminding me all the time, until I got to change.  I hate this problem!!!!!!!!  One thing my daughter said to me was that she asked if I felt better (after I changed) and told me it happens to the best of us.  Yeah – one nice thing!  Then it was completely ignored.  I like that but with them I did feel pushed aside like always.   As far as nighttime.  I couldn’t wear that diaper.  I couldn’t.  I knew there was a possibility of getting away with it because I was sleeping with my 6 year old grandson.  I just took my chances.  I get so keyed up and have so much energy on vacations I hardly sleep.  I didn’t drink very much and when I keep waking up I used the bathroom a lot.  So the first 2 nights I was perfectly fine.   The last night I wasn’t.  When I went to sleep I took my pajama bottoms off so if I had an accident there was less clean up and I wouldn’t know what to do with the wet pajama bottoms – just wet underwear is much easier.  I also, all the nights, managed to get some extra towels and slept with them on the floor beside me and then hid them when I got up.  So that last night I had an accident and managed to put the towels down and the covers and comforter over it.  I just prayed no one sat there (my daughter did the first morning to blow dry her hair) or knew anything.  I don’t think they did.  Yeah!   One other time, during the day, I had to go real bad and didn’t make it all the way but I was able to cover that up too.  It wasn’t a lot.  It’s just miserable having to hide it and being in wet clothes until they dry.  And, it was hard finding bathrooms all the time when you need them.  They were there but not always in the right places at the right times.  Once you get in those big rooms in the museums it’s hard to find your way out.  It’s so very inconvenient!  So I went a lot “preventatively” and I think they all thought I was nuts.  I hate that.  I hate putting attention on this problem!    Once when we were in a restaurant, in the middle of the ordering area and my grandson said he thought he was going to throw up.  I just walked away and prayed he wouldn’t.  We were about to order.  I heard my daughter tell him to take a deep breath.  Thank goodness he didn’t.  A couple times this trip he said his stomach hurt.  I was with him and my daughter this whole weekend and their colds were so miserable.  I hope & pray I don’t get it but I wouldn’t be surprised if I do get their colds.  I even slept with my grandson, breathed the same air with them and around them the whole time.    After seeing my cousin one night for dinner she called me up a little concerned about my daughter’s boyfriend.  A couple things he did.  But I tried to protect them as much as I could and clarify things.  I know he’s not 100% but as long as my daughter is happy.  If I’d say anything to try to change her it would only put tension on our relationship and we don’t need that.  She’s an adult.  I voice my opinions to her but I can’t control her or make her do things or not.    After we got back he wanted me to come with him to see his daughter (my granddaughter) in the new rehabilitation center she was just moved to the day before.  So I did.  She’s having a tough time with separation, wanting them to stay while she’s sleeping, etc.  She did her “My Nana, My Nana” with all the hugs and kisses I could ever want and the “I missed you” over & over again.  Her tummy had been bothering her for the last several days so they gave her Zofran.  So now that gets me scared she has something and will give it to others – me.  Please, God – I hope not - no.  Thank you.   My best friend died of breast cancer several years ago and her family set up a trust at this very rehabilitation center.  I asked about it and they showed me 2 huge areas, with plaques, in her name.  A reading area with tons of books and a play area with tons of toys.  I wanted to cry!  It really touched me and that she can’t see it.  Well, maybe she can.  And that my granddaughter is there that she never got to see.  I did cry all the way home and wanted to call my therapist and leave a short message but didn’t.  I called my daughter to tell her but got completely ignored.  I did tell my husband and he listened – well, as good as could be for him.  I really wanted to leave that message for my therapist!   OK, now as far as my therapist goes.  She left that encouraging message for me on my cell phone before I left.  That was really sweet.  Whenever I needed to I’d call and listen to it.  That’s the first thing I did when I got a chance after I had that accident.  It was really helpful.  A few times I called it during the trip and not just about bathroom stuff.  Also when I felt like I wasn’t being listened to or argued at and such.    She said she’d call me Saturday after we got up there and then again Monday.  We just got into the car when she called on Saturday so I was able to get out of the car quickly and talk to her in private.  Perfect timing.  I told her what happened but I felt like she wasn’t really listening to me.  I don’t know if she was distracted or really didn’t want to hear it or not.  It’s like she was only partially there.  I’m glad she called but I felt real badly I told her after I hung up.    Then she called again on Monday just as we sat down for lunch at a museum.  I couldn’t get it.  She left a message that she was leaving the office and she’ll be back, she’ll try back in a couple hours.  She did and I didn’t even hear my phone at all.  She left a message that’s she’s available until 3PM.  So I managed to call her in private about 10 till 3.  But she didn’t answer.  I tried again a couple minutes later and she still didn’t answer so I left a message that I could talk now.  She never called back.  Don’t know why she said she was available until 3PM and then didn’t answer.  I thought maybe she’d call real quick before she left the office or maybe even the next day.  No.  That’s that little box she’s in again.  I wish she wouldn’t be.