My trip so far...
At the moment I am at my Dad's house in La, this place is crazy cajin and he loves it here now. Its 220 in the morning which means at my house its 320. I cant sleep.
The trip's been hard. When I left the other morning I just sat and held Liam's urn crying and then cried on and off during the 8 hour drive. But I did it, thought it would be good to see the rents. I was trying to stay composed around people but yesterday for dinner a young couple came in when we were almost done with their little toddler in a high chair. I was cutting into my eggplant and started hearing coos and giggles, stopped mid-word. Mom reached out her hand and told me to be strong and not cry, but the child just kept coooing, so i got up and walkedout. I was sobbing by the time we got to Dads but they kept coming in the room, wanna go look at houses (does anyone other than my father enjoy that?) Mom came in a couple of times but Dad would just stand at the closed door because I brought a picture of Liam to have near me and he still cant look at Liam. So then I get lectures from Mom about 'movingon' and hours later from Dad about being a strong woman and why dont I want to just move on, even my sister called to hurasse me as well. Dont they know how much harder they make it. Liam is my son, no one can tell me how to morn him! And if I get upset and need to cry then I should, even if it makes them somewhat uncomfortable!
My Sister did not in any way acknowldge that I might be included as a Mother on Mother's day. Dad sent me a text. And Mom just simply asked what we were doing that weekend, but no happy whatevers, no simple card to say I love you. Are they so worried Ill break down that the cant acknoweldge my son? He's my son and I love him. When a pet dies its ok to be sad. When an older family member passes we can morn them...why cant I morn Liam in my way!
I know im emotional and dont sound like my jolly self...but well that person has forever changed. Im starting to smile again but I will never be the same. Maybe I should never have come. But I know they love me and are driving me crazy out of love...
The trip's been hard. When I left the other morning I just sat and held Liam's urn crying and then cried on and off during the 8 hour drive. But I did it, thought it would be good to see the rents. I was trying to stay composed around people but yesterday for dinner a young couple came in when we were almost done with their little toddler in a high chair. I was cutting into my eggplant and started hearing coos and giggles, stopped mid-word. Mom reached out her hand and told me to be strong and not cry, but the child just kept coooing, so i got up and walkedout. I was sobbing by the time we got to Dads but they kept coming in the room, wanna go look at houses (does anyone other than my father enjoy that?) Mom came in a couple of times but Dad would just stand at the closed door because I brought a picture of Liam to have near me and he still cant look at Liam. So then I get lectures from Mom about 'movingon' and hours later from Dad about being a strong woman and why dont I want to just move on, even my sister called to hurasse me as well. Dont they know how much harder they make it. Liam is my son, no one can tell me how to morn him! And if I get upset and need to cry then I should, even if it makes them somewhat uncomfortable!
My Sister did not in any way acknowldge that I might be included as a Mother on Mother's day. Dad sent me a text. And Mom just simply asked what we were doing that weekend, but no happy whatevers, no simple card to say I love you. Are they so worried Ill break down that the cant acknoweldge my son? He's my son and I love him. When a pet dies its ok to be sad. When an older family member passes we can morn them...why cant I morn Liam in my way!
I know im emotional and dont sound like my jolly self...but well that person has forever changed. Im starting to smile again but I will never be the same. Maybe I should never have come. But I know they love me and are driving me crazy out of love...
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