My Trichotillomania Story

     I started pulling out my eyelashes when I was in kindergarden. Yes, kindergarden. It started off with me having something in my eye. And when I pulled out an eyelash, it felt good in a way. I liked it, so i pulled out a bunch of them. When I got home, my mom immediately noticed something was wrong with my eyes, because even as a young girl, I had very long, thick eyelashes naturally. I told my mom what I had done and she kept saying: "Why did you do this?" My little mind was wondering the same thing. Well, I kept pulling out my eyelashes. Through the rest of kindergarden and first grade. Second grade came and I began to pull out my head hair. I don't know why I did this. It felt good to me. I was in math class and by the end of it, there was long strands of hair under my chair. I went to the bathroom and saw a small bald spot on my head. I was shocked. I was scared. What if someone saw it? What will my family think? My mom noticed when I got home. We were both crying and I didn't understand why I was doing this. My mom kept saying that it was a habit that I needed to break. In fifth grade, I began to pull out my eyebrows. I did that for the rest of the year and into sixth and seventh grade. I learned about makeup in seventh grade. I filled in my eyebrows and my eyelids with a cream stick eyeliner. Thank God, I stopped pulling out my eyebrows. I don't know why I stopped, or even how. I just did. In eigth grade, I noticed the roots on the end of the hairs that I pulled out of my head. I started to slide the wet bulb across my lips and chew it off. I wouldn't eat the whole hair; only the root. I don't know what, but it did something. Just the feeling of having it in my mouth. A group of kids at my school found out what I was doing. I guess I'd do it in front of them. I got in trances and I wasn't aware of my surroundings. Boys and girls would make fun of me. Everyday. They even started a chant. They'd hum the cailou theme song because I had bald spots that I would try to cover up. I remember this one time, they invited me to a kik conversation. I thought they liked me and wanted to be friends. But it was the complete opposite. They didn't look at me as someone. I was something to them. I kept leaving the conversations, but they'd just add me back. I was very lonley and depressed at this time. I couldn't tell the teachers. What was I gonna say? I pull out my hair and eat it and they're making fun of me for it? I'd never told anyone about my problem, ever. I would always deny what they said. All the time. I turned to God. I prayed everyday for him to help me stop. Sometimes, I'd even cry myself to sleep. At some points, I thought about suicide. I never participated in self-harm, but I did think about it. Like what if I died sudenly? Then my parents wouldn't have to deal with my problem anymore. The people at my school would get what they wanted. But I never acted upon my thoughts. My eighth grade graduation was coming up and I still had bald spots. My mom and I traveled to a place called "Brenda's Mirrored Images." They had wigs and hair extensions. My mom wanted me to stop pulling, but she wanted me to feel confident for my graduation. I tried on wigs and extensions and I found this one that I really liked. It was long and natural looking. We bought it for about $150. On my special day, we went to a hair dresser. This one particular woman survived cancer. She had gone through the problems with styling wigs and such. My mom told her my secret and the occasion. She styled my hair and the wig and made it look so natural and real. Though on my graduation day, the group of kids knew that it wasn't real. They kept saying how they planned to rip it off my head when they called my name for me to get my diploma. I was scared, but my amazing mom made sure that none of that ever happened. Well, time passed and I was about to start highschool. My mom explainmed to me that girls in highschool look for these kind of things. They compare eyelash and hair lengths. Guys are gonna be looking at your eyes. But as much as I wanted to stop, I couldn't. I had known about that feeling of shame and embarassment. But I couldn't stop myself. Nineth grade, still no stopping. Around the 2nd month of school I got a secret boyfriend. I wasn't allowed to date, but he didn't know my secret and I just wanted to feel loved. I didn't want to be lonely. I just wanted someone. So we "dated." We ended up being together for about seven months. I was 14 and he was 16. It felt so nice to be "loved" by someone. Though, he only wanted one thing and he got it. I lost my virginity to him. Except, It wasn't even enjoyable whatsoever. I lost it in the most unwanted place ever. I should've known then, that I was just his toy. My mom found out about it. She was furious, disappointed, and mad as hell. I regreted it as soon as it happened, because he got so distant, and he ended up cheating on me right after. We broke up and that just caused more stress. I began to see a therapist and a psychiatrist. I wanted anything to help me stop. Medications and theories, one after another. Zoloft, Prozac, Xanax, and a few others that I don't remember the names. Mood swings like crazy. I hated taking medications, it affected who I was. And it didn't even work. Homecoming at my school was right around the corner. Again, I had goals that I wanted to reach. I had things that I wanted to accomplish. I wanted long thick hair. I wanted eyelashes. I wanted to walk in and have everyone stare. You know, a regular girl's dream. Except, I wasn't normal. I looked at myself as abnormal and unwanted. I was insecure and I lacked confidence. My mom bought me a hair peice for homecoming; along with fake eyelashes. I felt so beautiful for one of the first times in my life. But only for one night. I kept pulling all throughout nineth grade. Over the summer, going into tenth grade, I had more goals. I wanted to dye my hair- dark brown and bleach the tips. I wanted long thick eyelashes again. Guess what? I went into tenth grade, looking the exact same way as ninth grade. Except, I was really good at covering up my bald spots, and no eyelashes. Currently, I'm in tenth grade. I've been pulling out my hair for eleven years, now. But right now, It's the worst it's ever been. Barely enough hair to pull up into a pony tail. I don't know what to do. I have the most amazing and genuine boyfriend right now. I want to be great for him. I want to be beautiful for him. But I can't stop. I don't know what to do anymore. I need help. My birthday is coming up and I have goals, yet again. I want to be normal. But I don't know how to be. Please, don't say "just stop" or "Don't be stressed" or don't state the obvious. I've had trichotillomania for eleven years, trust me, if I could stop, I would've a long time ago. Please, help me!