My thoughts
This post might be on the long side. I have been struggling for many years with self esteem . When I was a kid I never had an ego or was vain. My mom was the person in my life who made me feel good about myself. She was always praising me, when I got a good grade on my report card or tests she would celebrate. Sometimes taking me out for ice cream or going to a toy store and picking out a toy. When she died in 1996 I lost, not only my mom, but my best friend. I only wish that my parents loved each other. I think on certain occasions like Valentine's Day my father would give my mom flowers or candy. But there was no love there. they argued, plenty of screaming, yelling or silence (they would go for long stretches not talking to each other at all.)
I lost a part of myself when she passed away. My father died first, in 1992, suddenly of a heart attack. My world shifted at that point. I loved both my parents and I know they loved me and tried the best that they could to do the best they could. But they were both wounded people. Both had challenging and unhappy childhoods.
I wasn't as close to my father as I was to my mom. So like I said when she died it was like a part of myself died. My brother preyed on me emotionally and monetarily (I didn't have much money but whatever I had he would 'borrow' money from me but never paid me back. I made a huge mistake moving in with him after our mother died. But I didn't have any other options. I stayed with him for 8 years until he and his girlfriend decided to move to FL I had a friend in NH who offered for me to move in with her. I'd always wanted to live in the country. Unfortunately the living situation changed after I moved myself up there and that situation lasted 6 weeks and I was asked to leave. Another friend (where I am living now) offered for me to move into her spare bedroom. So I did) while it was a nice situation. It wasn't the most ideal. She and her husband and her daughter were quirky people. I had fallen into a hole in my mind where I've done some foolish things. Like not working like I should have. I can't explain why, other than the jobs I've had were miserable ones, anxiety and the depression only added to my feelings of wanting to withdraw from everything. Even at the expense of my having enough money to live life. I was lucky my friends never asked for rent. I repaid them by taking care of the house, and their daughter when they needed me. So they got a maid and babysitter when they needed me.
I went back to work when they moved away to OR. I moved in with a neighbor, I was taking care of her cats (being paid to do that. I also walked some neighbor's dogs from time to time) Unfortunately that was another miserable circumstance. The woman treated me horribly. Not much better than my brother had treated me. Also the rent I paid her was more than I should have been paying. It included a cleaning fee for a cleaning service to come into the house. A situation she never told me about before I moved in Once I was there I was too afraid to challenge her on the rent amount. I lasted there about 9 months before she told me to leave. She was just plain nasty to me. Then another neighbor offered me to move in with her. So that is where I am living. She is very nice, has a goofy dog.
I have had a miserable time the past year, Home Depot, where I am 'working' cut my hours here and there. I can't stand the job. Standing on my feet all day long. greeting customers. They put me in appliances and garden (I wanted to be in garden but they rarely put me there no matter how many times I asked them.) They had me working sporadically, the past year. They are starting to give me more hours, but not in the dept I wanted. And only because two workers are leaving the company. I keep thinking if I should have taken that Goodwill job, but I had too many red flags set off during the orientation process. I was at HD yesterday, only for 4 hours. But I felt very frustrated, bored, and disgusted being there and I couldn't get out of there fast enough. If I make it till the end of May it will be 3 years since I have been there.
Another situation that has cropped up for me is this intense loneliness. I haven't felt that way before. I guess with all the friends I knew around here having moved away, made me feel disconnected. I also belong to a meet up group, we haven't had any gatherings since last May. I've gone on my own to events. The organizer was busy at work (that and the weather situation made some events be cancelled) So I think that was part of my loneliness. We have some events coming up starting in April. So I've signed up for some events. So that is one positive thing going on. Also I signed up for a container garden course being offered at a local garden center. it's a one day event. I have been trying to grow vegetables in containers since I don't have good places to plant them in the ground. It hasn't gone very well so I want to take this course to learn how to have a successful container garden.
Sorry for rambling, I am writing as these thoughts fly in my head.
I turned 50 in 2012. I didn't take turning 50 very well. I thought about why and I think I have come up with an answer. At 50 most people start to think about retiring from work. If I had kept working and had a retirement plan I could be doing the same thing. The lady I am living with retired a few years ago. another friend retired last May and a former neighbor told me he retired last Halloween. I am scared that I have no retirement plans and that I have waited too long to start one or that I don't have the funds to start one. I had opportunities many years ago to start a retirement fund, I was in my 20s and early 30s at the time and just didn't do it. I feel so stupid.
There is a saying "Failure to plan is planning to fail." I thought I was a fairly intelligent person, but I guess I'm not so smart after all.
Sorry for this lengthy ramble. Thanks for letting me bend an ear.
Replies
Don't feel bad for saying what you feel. We all feel that way from time to time. You're human, we make mistakes and we learn from them. I think a lot of how you feel stems from where you were with your parents, but you have the opportunity to get yourself out and meet new people, so hopefully you'll start to feel better once you do. It's often difficult to lift ourselves out of the rut we get ourselves into, but once you start to get yourself out there and you're meeting new people, things will start to fall into place more and you'll begin to feel better about the other things you need to deal with.
Hi Linda, i'm proud of you friend for writing, and sharing your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. You are a very nice, wonderful, and caring person, with lots of heart, spirit, and soul. You deserve to feel loved, and cared for. Through the ups and downs, you've always stayed strong, and that says a lot, about your character, and how you've always kept hopeful, for things to improve. i know you will always hold a special place in your heart, for your angel mom, and the loving memory of her. i'm so thankful you and her shared such a special, close bond, full of love and energy, that will continue on always within your heart.
i know you've had some rough moments with moving, and the person who treated you awful, and also the family members who weren't nice to use, and took advantage of you. You didn't deserve that, no one does. they have to live with their actions, and we can only hope and pray, that they turn their lives around, and change who they are, so that they don't treat anyone else like that. i'm so glad, and thankful you're keeping determined, and that you're looking forward to some meet up groups in the spring time, and also gardening :)
it's very good, to have the peaceful simple joys like that, that give us strength and hope :) You've always been a very dear friend to my family and i, thinking of us during birthday's, holiday's, and giving us a special friendship joy in our hearts :)
We appreciate you :)
i encourage you to always feel free to write. our journals are a special peaceful safe sanctuary, where our thoughts, feelings, and emotions can flow freely through our writings :) You deserve comfort, healing, and peace :)
keep us updated, and i'd love to also hear about the container garden course :)
sending lots and lots of love, healing energy prayers, and our most warmest comforting friendship hugs, from our hearts to yours :)