My thoughs

I have decided to write another journal not really because I feel like writing, rather me just being alone not really having anyone to talk to really. I have been doing my best lately to try and not think about my ex even though day after day I still wake up in the morning feeling the pain of her leaving me and at the end of each evening like tonight when I am all alone just me and my thoughts I still think about her not really if she is okay I know she is, but just the memories I had I can't let them go... I honestly wish I could say I was a stronger person. She made me feel like I had so much purpose in life. That I wanted to be somebody now that feeling and desire is gone. I can't believe I let her just use me for 4 years of my life I made so much time for her always stood behind her beliefs and what she stands for and look how I get repaid. She hasn't talked to me in several months I am pretty positive that whatever we had going on we will never get it back. I think it's because I am more prideful than that, to actually sit there like I do and fill my mind with how she found a better man and all this things that make me feel so weak. I get the chills just sitting here thinking about how I can just be ignored after I gave her so much of my time and even if she doesn't want to date me anymore she can at least call me to see how I am doing. I just don't understand I feel like I made a huge mistake I have no idea where I would be if I didn't meet her or if I didn't get sucked into her scheme to make me hers. She called me that February morning and I wasn't gunna go see her I felt like I was hungry and should head home and she offered to make me something and to just relax and talk at her house little did I know I would kiss her that very day and make her mine a week later for 4 years it just happened so magical and just felt so right now it's gone over... She is with another guy and I have lost. I have to move on, but as of lately I can't even see myself being with another person. I am not one to really put myself out there so I need to break that habit of being shy. I truly am just hoping for a better direction. I can't be thinking about her anymore, but even when I played in football games I would always see her in the stands with my parents always cheering me on and being there supporting me. Can't believe it all amounted to this sucks being the loser, but one bitter feeling of defeat an endless rain cloud above my head, but as soon as I quit feeling sorry for myself and my situation the quicker I can get going with my life...