my thoughts

First let me say that God I hate writing on my phone, typos drive me nuts and I can't figure out how to space right, but at least I can write. I've been thinking a lot today....not specifically about him either, but about how I came to be here. Something that strikes me was the training I received as a child....in this case, I believe it had been both a blessing and a curse. My parents had issues, my dad expected me to be his perfect, golden child....He was abusive in every imaginable way to my mom, but the moon rose and set by his first born(me). My mom hated me. Sounds harsh, but it's true. I used to get beat and screamed at for getting car sick on road trips. I learned early on to be a people pleaser, I went to great lengths to be the best, smartest, all around perfect child. This was my curse. It set me up to try harder to fix my flaws and twist myself into knots to try to repair this relationship....and I am nothing if not persistent. Quitting and/or failing was never an option in my warped world. The blessing came from the wonderful people, outside of my parents, in my life. My grandparents had me every chance they could, usually entire summers were spent with them. To my extended family I was the best, smartest, most beautiful child in the world. To my teachers I was intelligent, mature, hard working, and a treat to have in class, my friends loved me, my bosses did too. Probably served to make me a little narcissistic myself, but today I can say thank god for that. Because even though I have felt powerless, hopeless, and afraid he couldn't make me doubt myself for long. I might take it in but because it was so totally against what I grew up believing of myself, he could never make me acceptit for long. He couldn't completely destroy my self. Blessing or curse? I hate that iI still shun confrontation, but I'm learning to speak my mind outside of my home, but I truly believe that once I get safe that early confidence will come back. Maybe I'll even learn to please myself instead of everyone else for a change