My thoughts
I read once that widows/widowers are not capable of remembering the bad times in their marriages after losing a spouse. I can't say that's true. You see, in my case, I remember the kind, loving man my husband was. I remember his gentle nature and how much he cared for his family and how much he loved me.
I also remember the long hours he worked and how that prevented us from spending time together. It was my major complaint about him. It was the reason we argued. I used to tell him that his workaholic ways would kill him if he didn't stop. As an ex-nursing student, I knew how lack of sleep affected the body. How it caused disease. He wouldn't listen, sometimes storming out of the room when I told him.
So I spent weekends alone while he worked. I spent holidays alone too. There were days where I didn't see him more than five minutes. Truth is, theres not that much difference in my life now except that I don't get to see him at all and that hurts most of all.
You see, he was busy working on a business. I wanted to support him because I knew how important it was for him. I tried to be patient, hoping that he'd get it out of his system and we could have a life together. I was tired of being alone while being married to this great man. I wanted to spend time with him, but it was always about the money. He wanted me to have so much, but the most important thing to me was him. I just wanted him, not the money, not the homes, not the tours around the world.
Give me time, honey, he would say. We'll have plenty of time to spend together once the business takes off and the money rolls in. But it didn't happen. The business was a financial drain so I sat watching him work himself to death. Year after year of patience. Year after year of seeing couples walking their dog while I walked alone. Year after year of watching couples shoping together, visiting family, etc.
A few days ago I wrote a journal entry on how I got used to seeing couples without being jelous. At the time I wrote it, I meant it. I did go through these things when I returned back to work. But now, I realize I've had to deal with this for years. I'm eons ahead of the rest of the people in this group. In the apartment I live in, some people actually thought I was single. This after we'd lived here for over a year and there are only six apartments in this building.
How do you deal with that?
As widows/widowers, we deal with the stages of grief. Anger is one of them. We usually go through this stage then move on to acceptance. Well, I don't think I'll ever move on. You see, I was cheated. Big time cheated. I married my dream man but I didn't get to enjoy him. Why? Greed. Plan old greed. He wanted more money, more everything. I just wanted him. Neither one of us got what we wanted, but he has Heaven to comfort him. Me. I'm living this life of regret.
I look around me at work. I see the greed of America: Here we have less vacation time than in any country in Europe. They get 4 weeks. Some of us get no weeks. Stores stay open later hoping to drain every last cent from the American public. Let's not forget the hours of overtime people are required to work to make up for all those who were let go. What is the price of greed? The price is high. You leave a life not complete. You leave wives/husbands who are still waiting for their lives to begin. You leave children who don't know you. I ask myself how can this be worth it.
I'll admitt sometimes people don't have a choice. You've got to eat. But my husband made an above average income. We didn't need extra. We could have cut corners and had a life together. It was not to be.
If I had it to do over again, I would walk. I wouldn't sit here year after year in a marriage that was all about money and nothing else. I would walk and find someone who wanted to spend time together. Wanted to take that walk on the beach, sit and eat together, watch the sun rise. I wouldn't care if he wasn't rich.
You see, most of my life I've felt that way. I don't know how I ended up with someone totally opposite. I've always felt like you should enjoy life. Not spend it chasing money.
If God has a marriage planned for me in the future. I ask only one thing: Workaholics need not apply.
I also remember the long hours he worked and how that prevented us from spending time together. It was my major complaint about him. It was the reason we argued. I used to tell him that his workaholic ways would kill him if he didn't stop. As an ex-nursing student, I knew how lack of sleep affected the body. How it caused disease. He wouldn't listen, sometimes storming out of the room when I told him.
So I spent weekends alone while he worked. I spent holidays alone too. There were days where I didn't see him more than five minutes. Truth is, theres not that much difference in my life now except that I don't get to see him at all and that hurts most of all.
You see, he was busy working on a business. I wanted to support him because I knew how important it was for him. I tried to be patient, hoping that he'd get it out of his system and we could have a life together. I was tired of being alone while being married to this great man. I wanted to spend time with him, but it was always about the money. He wanted me to have so much, but the most important thing to me was him. I just wanted him, not the money, not the homes, not the tours around the world.
Give me time, honey, he would say. We'll have plenty of time to spend together once the business takes off and the money rolls in. But it didn't happen. The business was a financial drain so I sat watching him work himself to death. Year after year of patience. Year after year of seeing couples walking their dog while I walked alone. Year after year of watching couples shoping together, visiting family, etc.
A few days ago I wrote a journal entry on how I got used to seeing couples without being jelous. At the time I wrote it, I meant it. I did go through these things when I returned back to work. But now, I realize I've had to deal with this for years. I'm eons ahead of the rest of the people in this group. In the apartment I live in, some people actually thought I was single. This after we'd lived here for over a year and there are only six apartments in this building.
How do you deal with that?
As widows/widowers, we deal with the stages of grief. Anger is one of them. We usually go through this stage then move on to acceptance. Well, I don't think I'll ever move on. You see, I was cheated. Big time cheated. I married my dream man but I didn't get to enjoy him. Why? Greed. Plan old greed. He wanted more money, more everything. I just wanted him. Neither one of us got what we wanted, but he has Heaven to comfort him. Me. I'm living this life of regret.
I look around me at work. I see the greed of America: Here we have less vacation time than in any country in Europe. They get 4 weeks. Some of us get no weeks. Stores stay open later hoping to drain every last cent from the American public. Let's not forget the hours of overtime people are required to work to make up for all those who were let go. What is the price of greed? The price is high. You leave a life not complete. You leave wives/husbands who are still waiting for their lives to begin. You leave children who don't know you. I ask myself how can this be worth it.
I'll admitt sometimes people don't have a choice. You've got to eat. But my husband made an above average income. We didn't need extra. We could have cut corners and had a life together. It was not to be.
If I had it to do over again, I would walk. I wouldn't sit here year after year in a marriage that was all about money and nothing else. I would walk and find someone who wanted to spend time together. Wanted to take that walk on the beach, sit and eat together, watch the sun rise. I wouldn't care if he wasn't rich.
You see, most of my life I've felt that way. I don't know how I ended up with someone totally opposite. I've always felt like you should enjoy life. Not spend it chasing money.
If God has a marriage planned for me in the future. I ask only one thing: Workaholics need not apply.
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