My thinking is starting to change
I’ve been in recovery from this terrible addiction for going on 9 months. I haven’t visited Clearwater Casino since July 4th 2012. I went there several times a week for 7 years. I thought I would never be able to stop going to that place. I wrote here a while back that I felt a change coming and I was right. The fog of deep depression is starting to lift. I’m starting to feel good again and have some positive feelings about the future.
Last night, as I rested in bed before drifting off to sleep, it crossed my mind that this sad part of my life is over. I have wasted enough years being an emotional and physical wreck because of addiction. I imagined that several years from now I would look back at this phase of my life and remember it as a dark time. But the phase is over. I’m ready to move on to better things. I’m ready to live a full life again. I’m ready to feel happiness and joy and laughter and love and kindness. I’m ready to let hope back into my life. I’m ready to start being the optimistic person that I used to be years ago.
I feel like gambling robbed me of some of the best years of my life. That makes me angry. There were so many other paths that I could have taken if I would have known what was going to happen to me. I didn’t know though. I didn’t think I had an addictive bone in my body. I thought I was above all of that! I can make peace with this. You live and learn. I know what addiction feels like now. I believe I will be able to recognize that path in the future and believe that I will do everything I can to never walk it again.
As a result of my gambling addiction, I treasure my peace of mind. I treasure a quiet day with few worries. I see the value of a simple life. I know the pain of being a slave to something and therefore can appreciate my freedom. I’ve figured out that what others think of me is of little consequence compared to what I think of myself. I know now that money comes and money goes and that the value of life is not measured by it. Money does not buy happiness. It’s that simple.
I’ve been part of a crash course on how not to live a happy life. It was a learn at your own pace kind of class. I could have saved myself a lot of pain if I could have learned these lessons faster but it just wasn’t possible. Everything happened as it should have happened. It always will and I’ll always be right where I am supposed to be. That is a comforting feeling.
Last night, as I rested in bed before drifting off to sleep, it crossed my mind that this sad part of my life is over. I have wasted enough years being an emotional and physical wreck because of addiction. I imagined that several years from now I would look back at this phase of my life and remember it as a dark time. But the phase is over. I’m ready to move on to better things. I’m ready to live a full life again. I’m ready to feel happiness and joy and laughter and love and kindness. I’m ready to let hope back into my life. I’m ready to start being the optimistic person that I used to be years ago.
I feel like gambling robbed me of some of the best years of my life. That makes me angry. There were so many other paths that I could have taken if I would have known what was going to happen to me. I didn’t know though. I didn’t think I had an addictive bone in my body. I thought I was above all of that! I can make peace with this. You live and learn. I know what addiction feels like now. I believe I will be able to recognize that path in the future and believe that I will do everything I can to never walk it again.
As a result of my gambling addiction, I treasure my peace of mind. I treasure a quiet day with few worries. I see the value of a simple life. I know the pain of being a slave to something and therefore can appreciate my freedom. I’ve figured out that what others think of me is of little consequence compared to what I think of myself. I know now that money comes and money goes and that the value of life is not measured by it. Money does not buy happiness. It’s that simple.
I’ve been part of a crash course on how not to live a happy life. It was a learn at your own pace kind of class. I could have saved myself a lot of pain if I could have learned these lessons faster but it just wasn’t possible. Everything happened as it should have happened. It always will and I’ll always be right where I am supposed to be. That is a comforting feeling.
Replies
Dearest Lisa, What a wonderful journal. It just makes me so happy that you are getting to the good place. I found out my greatest gift to myself was surrender. It is hard because of self will (for me) but it is and was the most freeing thing.
God, I am so happy to read this. You are an amazing woman, with so many fabulous gifts. Thanks for sharing. You ROCK. Love & hugs, Estel
I remember you saying something a while back about not letting the black hole of depression swallow me. I think you said something about you having been there before and how you had learned to be afraid of it. I always kept that in the back of my mind. I was in uncharted territory and your support was very valuable to me.... is very valuable. Thank you for being a steadfast friend - always understanding ..... and being willing to share my pain as well as my joy :) xoxo
dear lisa great journal entry! almost brought me to tears. so true that money does not buy happiness . i guess we have no choice but to accept how the past has played out and the mistakes that were made. i am so happy that you have found a comfortable place now. i wish you nothing but the best ! love and hugs to you!