My Therapy Visit Today

I went to my therapist today.  She laughs at me because I always come in with an agenda.  This time I came in with a list because I had so much to do and so much to talk about.  It has to make it easier for her.  I have no idea what other people do.  But she just doesn’t get it that I always feel there is never enough time to get to everything.  Especially since we took the phone messages and the tape recorder thing away.  I wish she’d understand that.  She commented on the pants I was wearing that I don’t usually wear pants like them.  They were a gray, kind of a light corduroy.  I told her I do sometimes.  She said they were cute.  See … I usually wear jeans because that’s what I wear most of the time.  I didn’t say but when we do those exposure therapies I want to make them as real-life-like as I can.  If I have an accident in pants I normally wear it makes it more real to deal with and then know what to do.  I do get tired of wearing jeans all the time and I have worn other pants with her before but I guess it’s been a while since we’ve been doing so much exposure therapy lately.  First I made 4 phone calls.  One to my friend who asks me to organize for her.  Just left a message since she didn’t answer.  She commented how confident I sounded.  I said I have to be.  That’s a story in itself – about this friend.  The second one was to a friend to tell her of upcoming events.  This is the friend that’s been acting weird.  She’d call me and tell me everything – all of her problems.  Now nothing.  I told her I’ll just act like I normally do when leaving the message.  I got her son to see my therapist and I commented I don’t even know if she’s still seeing him or not or even if she’s seeing my friend.  I know she can’t say a word and she didn’t.  But my therapist did comment that she’s one that’s going on the girl trip with me.  Yes.  We’ll have to get to all that later.  The third phone call was to a friend about a Trivia Night which happens to be this friend of mine’s brother-in-law.  He’s funny the way he talks to me and saying I’m beautiful, etc.  She heard him, too.  After these 3 phone calls she commented how I’m initiating things now.  I told her some of these events are mine and I have to.  We all take turns. But I do take control, even this friend says, how I’m the leader.  I think she’s talking about reaching out to others but we didn’t talk about that.   Then I called my son who’s so far away.  She laughed because if anything happens to anyone it’s him.  He won’t send his birth certificate & social security card back to me and cut me off when we were talking saying he’ll call me back.  She asked me if he will and I said eventually.  Well, he called me back in a couple minutes!  So then we talked about things on my list like how friendly I am with people but afraid to get close.   She said she can see by the way I talk to people, by the way I leave messages and such that I’m a very friendly and very take-charge person.  I think she already knew that.  That I know how to talk to people, I’m very good socially and people are attracted to me because I’m so sun shiney and helpful.  That was nice. I am happier when I can be like that and my family more brings me down and that’s not who I am.  I told her how its hard for me to go to my granddaughters rehabilitation center because of my best friend, who died of breast cancer, her name & areas dedicated to her all over the place.  She asked me if she’s ever “with me” like I feel her presence.  Not really but I know she’s watching.  She said it’ll get easier going there.  We talked about how my life is not the same as when my friends who have died were still here.  And how at one time there were 9 people living in our house.  I’m so bored now and she knows it but she thinks I’m reaching out.  But I don’t think I really am. I forgot to tell her of the Volunteer Fair I went to.  But, I haven’t done a thing with it either.  So I had told her when I need to go to the bathroom we’ll walk next door, walk around just a bit and come right back.  I said, “Piece of cake – right?”  She said, “Right!” trying to be encouraging.  I’m sure she knew I was a little nervous about doing it.  So as soon as I told her I needed to go we left right away.    The walk over was fine.  We talked.  I didn’t have to go very badly yet.  I tried to keep my anxiety level down.  I told her my friends husband may be over there.  I think she said he won’t.  Thank goodness I knew no one there.  We passed by a teeny little baby and looked and then went over to the isles and looked.  Very tiny isles.  Then over to another section close by and I started feeling more uncomfortable – maybe moved a little funny just a tad – and told her, “We better go.”  She said, “OK, let’s go” and we did.  We left the store with this cute little girl saying bye to us.  I was quieter walking back.  Part of it trying to concentrate on holding it.  All I remember her saying is, “You’ve got time.”  She repeated it several times and she’s very calm.  Maybe she said I was doing good.  I did tell her it was harder now.  She said, “I know.”  I told her it’s the memories of doing this in the past (when I didn’t make it).  She understood.    She asked me if I wanted to go upstairs or downstairs.  I said upstairs.  When I have an accident I go downstairs where it’s less likely of anyone seeing.  I think it was her way of asking what was happening.  As we were walking in she did reassure me no one was around to watch us (I guess in case I started going to the bathroom).  She told me again that I have time.  I think I said, “Yeah” but in as way as to say:  yeah, but not much time.    We walked into the waiting area of her office and she told me she’ll meet me back in her office.  I told her I could wait a couple more minutes (earlier I told her I’d like to do this) and so we went back to her office and I sat down still needing to go.  She reassured me telling me whatever happens it’s OK.  That was sweet and I like when she tell me that because it’s so reassuring.  I told her I’m already up to a 10 in anxiety.  She told me that took 10-12 minutes.  I questioned if it was that long.  I think she was trying to make me feel good about myself or she really didn’t know.  I think it was only 7-8 minutes.  So within the minute I said, “I better go,” and went.  I wanted to be successful so bad.  I came back and she asked me if I was successful.  Yes!  That was great.  She told me she could tell when I was getting uneasy over there.  She said it’s OK to be up to a 10 like I was because when our bodies are under stress our body reacts like ‘do something!’ She then gave me the tappers and for me to close my eyes and say something to myself like, “I can do this.”  I did.  I then told her what happened the other day at Target and how I felt like a failure.  I’ve been doing better with her not feeling the shame but sometimes I do.  I really wanted to forget about it but thought maybe I better say something.  Why couldn’t I have just waited to go in to go to the bathroom?  I told her about putting my jacket around my waist, zipping it up looking ridiculous and not even making to the bathroom and just walking back out of the store to my car.  I didn’t know if anyone noticed or not – employees or other shoppers.  When this happens you feel like “everyone” knows and is looking at you.  I did tell her, kind of like we just did today and last week, that I went back to the store the next day.  She thought that was so brave of me.  Yeah … I went back when I didn’t have to go to the bathroom.  She asked if I just misjudged it going there.  I guess so.  I told her about this journaling and not being sure anyone’s reading it.  How I’ve done about 14 entries and how it’s on this community (didn’t say the same) and how it’s on a Google blog but under a different name and how it’s searchable under this name (but didn’t say the name).  But may or not be searchable on other computers – like hers – or maybe just mine because I get into it often.  I know – this is all very confusing.  Sorry.  But the point is I told her how I’m not calling her anymore and I’m not using the tape recorder.  My point was to know someone’s listening or reading and I’m not sure that’s happening.  I get comments sometimes.  She said maybe people are reading but not always commenting.  Don’t know - maybe.  It was really time to go so we couldn’t really talk more. I did tell her I can’t use my picture (I do on Facebook though) and I chose this cute picture with a smiley face and 4-5 little smiley faces trailing.  I’m not sure if she gets all this since I don’t she does it.  Well, she says she doesn’t do Facebook.  I did tell her I was just chatting with someone who has to wear diapers and I’m encouraging him and she knows I don’t get near them.  She laughed and told me I got busted.  I alluded to another site but I’m just not sure of but couldn’t get into that either because of time.    I wish she would understand.  2 sessions a week would be perfect but I only have 1 with insurance.  Maybe I can check on that.  Even maybe a check-in call a couple times a week would help.  I’m just so lonely and feel like I need more after I leave and during the week.  I’m hoping I’ll get into doing more and being busier with other people and I won’t need this extra.  But I do now, can’t get it and feel very frustrated.  I’m at the point now I’m scared to ask for anything extra because she may not want to work anything out.  It wouldn’t be forever!