My Therapist
I really wanted to title this I HATE MY THERAPIST but I didn't think that was appropriate. I don't think I really do - I'm just really mad at her. I've been going to her for about 2 years now and she's very good. She gives more than 100% in our sessions. But unless you are in that little "box" of 1 hour time it's like you don't exist. As soon as she hands you the paper to leave she's "gone" with no real responses back to you. It's like your hour is up and you're being pushed out the door. But I try to look past that. I've told her so much - she knows more about me than anyone. It didn't start out that way. I had to gain rapport with her and confidence. It took a while. But then I felt so comfortable with her I gradually told her "everything". I've lost so many people who were close to me - friends and relatives - in the past few years who have died. Many to cancers, some other or natural causes. Plus my kids have all moved out and I don't feel as needed as I was in the past. I just love to help people. So much that I'm always there to listen. But who listens to me? Sometimes I feel like no one. My family is not there for me like I am for them. My husband is not a great communicator either. So I've gotten so dependant on knowing that at least my therapist listening to me. At least I had that. There are so many crazy things that happen over the duration of a week that it helped to share them. I have no one in my life to do that with so I shared them with her since I knew she did listen and I felt safe to do so. So I began calling her leaving her messages on her answering machine during the week. I did that because I didn't want to bother her directly. I never asked her to do anything, never to call me back or anything. Just knowing she was listening was fine with me. And it was helpful to her to put together the pieces of myself so she could help me the best way she could. I would even give her feedback about herself and our sessions. So this went on for some time. She never told me not to call and for the longest time I didn't know where she was coming from on this. Did she like it? Not like it? I didn't know because she never told me. So, I kept calling - just to be heard. Then one time when I came in, out of the blue, she told me there may be a time when I wouldn't be able to do this. She told me not to call anymore. She didn't tell me what was going on. I was so mad. I was upset and hurt. I felt uncared about. How could she do this. I needed to talk, to be listened to. How could she so abruptly take this away? I skipped my next appointment, she knew how upset I was when I left and never called to check on me during the week or to see why I didn't show at that missed appointment. So I finally called her and she called me back the next day. She told me she was leaving in an hour for her 1st chemotherapy treatment for breast cancer. I didn't know what to say. Why didn't she tell me what was going on? Why did she do this in such a back-handed way and make me feel so "thrown out." Plus during the midst of this my brother-in-law just passed away and I had to deal with that. I felt for her. She had to take care of herself but she dropped me along with it and it felt so bad. And this all happened so suddenly. Everything was perfectly fine before this. So we went through a really rocky time. She told me I could call, then couldn't. Then could. Then finally said no - not at all. I told her it was like taking a bottle away from a baby; like heroine away from a heroine attact. You just can't do that cold turkey. You have to work something out, dwinle it down in some way or replace it with something else. Then she said I could call but we have to listen during our sessions. I was so mad at that - what a waist of time! So the first week I did this I was so angry and I said so in my messages. She ended up listening to them on her own during the week and we didn't have to listen during that session. But it was a horrible session. I didn't know who would call it quits first - me or her. I came so close to walking out. But I stayed because I really did want to work it out. I couldn't imagine starting all over with someone else. It took me a while to share with her and we were doing so well together. She's such a nice person and now was dealing with cancer. I didn't want to leave and not know what was going on - I knew her for quite a while by now. I cared about her. So, finally she told me to talk on a tape recorder during the week and we'd listen during our sessions. Reluctantly I agreed to do this. I did this for quite a while and didn't like it. It was a waist of time just listening to my week in review. I didn't need to hear this all over again and re-live it. The messages were for her - not me. We couldn't work on other things and I thought it was counter productive. This tape recorder thing was getting in the way and I'd say something once in a while but she wouldn't say a thing. So now I have these trips I'm taking with other coming soon and we have to work on lots of things with them. We do exposure therapies (I'll write about them later). Today especially I knew there was no time to listen to the tape recorder so I dropped it off early this morning hoping she'd listen before I got there. I let her know ahead of time. But she did not listen. So we had to do it during the session like usual. We didn't even get through the whole thing - there's a lot she didn't even hear. When i asked her what we should do about this problem she didn't seem to care. It's like she wants me to make the decision to talk into the tape recorder and spend the time in the session listening or not. Or, journal or what ever. I have to figure out a solution on my own. She wasn't willing at all to work something out. Another option, an alternative, some kind of compromise - nothing. The reason why I talk (in the tape recorder now but before by voicemail) - to her - is because she is my therapist. I say things so that she knows so that she can help me the best way she can. If I didn't say these things she would never know and the therapy would be incomplete. It's like the missing pieces of the puzzle. I want to think she's now saying this and not wanting to work things out because she thinks it's best in a theraputic way for me. I'm hoping it's not because she just doesn't want to hear anything thing about me outside of our little one hour "box" I spoke of earlier. She even said this time how we only have one little block of time. It makes me feel so sad because my family and friends aren't there for me. I listen & listen to them all the time and they do not return the favor. At least I had her to listen and now I don't. I hope I can work though my being angry at her so we can work on these other issues during our sessions because she's so good with me and I really need to work these things out. I don't know if it's OK to be angry at her at the same time. I don't want to tell her because we'll only argue about it. She's not willing to compromise in anyway. I asked her and if she was she would have said so today. It just seems to unfair and it's so hard for me not to feel cared about. Like she doesn't even want to try to work something out - even temporarily. It's hurtful. So, the meaning of this story is instead of talking on a tape recorder and having my therapist hear it I'm jounaling it here. I am letting all of you into my life. Sometimes it's crazy, funny, sad and any other emotions you might imagine. Any feedback will be welcomed. Enjoy!
Replies
Well well, that was quite a story! [and i dont mean that facetiously]
I think, and this is only my personal opinion, that is is natural for -you- to be angry with your therapist. Im not saying that to mean that you are strange or wierd, but to say that for your individual situation with losing your loved ones, and feeling abandoned and alone almost desperate for closeness to someone, it is natural for you to be angry with her for what shes doing.
It would apply the same way when you say your there for your family and friends but they arent there for you, its may be the same concept why you are feeling angry. And its not really a right or wrong thing, its just how you feel, and its because of your situation.
It\'s good that you can talk about your problems openly with your therapist. That is a good thing.
I do wonder, however, why she is taking so much time listening over these recordings? It seems, quite frankly, unneeded. Its obviously a display of how you feel - what is going on. It seems to me that the better thing for the therapist to be doing right now, is to focus on why you feel the need to talk to her so much - not saying that in a way to put you down, because it isnt your fault, just your situation if I went through that and believe me I have had moments where I have become very dependent on therapists too- but she should be trying to finding a way so you can become more secure without her so you are more comfortable and can move on to what else you need to move on to. It might just be me, but that seems to be what the productive thing would be to do.
None of this is your fault - you are acting appropriately for your given situation. The therapist sounds a little wishy washy, not having a definate plan as to what she wants to \"do\" with these calls. Not saying she doesnt have her good points.
I would confront her on that, and see if you cant come to a conclusion.
Its also horrible that she has an illness. But remember - therapy should stay professional - and her problems are not yours. So focus on you and your recovery. Aim your wanting to help people towards yourself and youll get much further right now.
PS. Im Twilight ^^ I saw your post in the Personality Disorders forum, and I wanted to welcome ya but I saw your page n I saw this so I thought Id give ya some input since I saw no one else did.
Thank you so much for your comments. They were really very helpful to me and made me feel it\'s OK to have my feelings on this given my circumstances. It makes me feel so much not alone in this. Thanks for telling me it\'s not my fault because sometimes I feel like it is. What did I do? I don\'t want to confront her because the last time this happened (before she told me about her illness) it wasn\'t good at all. She\'s so good with me otherwise and I just don\'t want to spoil this - especially with these trips coming so soon. Yes, I totally agree she needs to work with me to get to the root of why I need to talk and be heard and to fix that. Thanks, again for your comments.
It sounds like you have some co-dependency issues going on here. You are far too dependent upon your therapist. She is your therapist, not your friend. She is not required to be there for your 24/7. Now imagine if every one of your therapists patients called her and did the same thing that you did...she would never have any free time...there is a reason she is only giving you and hour each week and making you talk into a tape recorder and then review it during your sessions...it is because she is establishing boundaries...healthy therapist patient boundaries...You are trying to make your therapist into something more than what she is...and that isn\'t good for you...or for her. Your therapist should not be there to replace healthy relationships which should be in your life. You said that people in your life are not supportive...maybe you should work on finding people who ARE supportive instead of being so dependent upon your therapist...because that relationship will inevitably end at some point.
No ... I\'m not wanting her to be my friend nor be there 24/7 for me. It\'s really not that much at all - just a couple minutes a day, some days none. Sometimes people go through a period of time that they need a little extra help and once they get though it it\'s OK. She just needs to help me get though it - not cut it off. Listening to the tape recorder for 1/2 the session is such a waist of time and then it\'s hard to get into other things that we really need to work on. I read in a book once from a therapist who had a client who constantly called her. She eventually told her not to call her directly - say what she want to say on her voice mail! When that\'s what I was doing - not even bothering her - and she told me to stop. Now, it\'s like she\'s forcing me to stop talking on the tape recorder because I want to, and need to, get other things done in our sessions. There must be some other way or some compromise. Even the idea of dropping it off before my sessions so she car hear but apparently she shot that down. And, talking during the week - however it may be - is helpful to her too (not just me) so she can help me the best. She can see exactly what\'s going on during my week, how I feel about things, how I handle things, etc.
I agree with TwilightStar (what a beautiful name!): \"she should be trying to finding a way so you can become more secure without her so you are more comfortable and can move on to what else you need to move on to\".
I understand the difficulty of prioritizing what you need from her. I understand that you have an urgent issue to address with her as you prepare for your trip. Then, will you be able to work on this issue with her?
I\'m glad you\'re journaling here. I think it is a great step.
Well it is down to the almighty dollar. Maybe you need more than once a week sessions for awhile. She probably cannot afford to spend hours with one payment and her work may not allow this. Maybe a support group too however I know not everyone is comfortable with that. There are of course crisis situations though where probably only she is of much help. Good luck . It must also feel very rejecting.
One of the most helpful things to me is with my disability bipolar and other health issues is to have some friends that are now disabled with other things that understand the depth of illness. I think until one has truly been sick, suicidal and unable to perform like their glory days it is hard to have true empathy. I would imagine the cancer will give her a greater since of empathy however she may be so sick she is clinging onto her job.l