My Therapist

I really wanted to title this I HATE MY THERAPIST but I didn't think that was appropriate.  I don't think I really do - I'm just really mad at her.  I've been going to her for about 2 years now and she's very good.  She gives more than 100% in our sessions.  But unless you are in that little "box" of 1 hour time it's like you don't exist.  As soon as she hands you the paper to leave she's "gone" with no real responses back to you.  It's like your hour is up and you're being pushed out the door.  But I try to look past that.   I've told her so much - she knows more about me than anyone.  It didn't start out that way.  I had to gain rapport with her and confidence.   It took a while.  But then I felt so comfortable with her I gradually told her "everything".  I've lost so many people who were close to me - friends and relatives - in the past few years who have died.  Many to cancers, some other or natural causes.  Plus my kids have all moved out and I don't feel as needed as I was in the past.  I just love to help people.  So much that I'm always there to listen.  But who listens to me?  Sometimes I feel like no one.  My family is not there for me like I am for them.  My husband is not a great communicator either. So I've gotten so dependant on knowing that at least my therapist listening to me.  At least I had that.  There are so many crazy things that happen over the duration of a week that it helped to share them.  I have no one in my life to do that with so I shared them with her since I knew she did listen and I felt safe to do so.  So I began calling her leaving her messages on her answering machine during the week.  I did that because I didn't want to bother her directly.  I never asked her to do anything, never to call me back or anything.  Just knowing she was listening was fine with me.  And it was helpful to her to put together the pieces of myself so she could help me the best way she could.  I would even give her feedback about herself and our sessions.  So this went on for some time.  She never told me not to call and for the longest time I didn't know where she was coming from on this.  Did she like it?  Not like it?  I didn't know because she never told me.  So, I kept calling - just to be heard.  Then one time when I came in, out of the blue, she told me there may be a time when I wouldn't be able to do this.  She told me not to call anymore.  She didn't tell me what was going on.  I was so mad.  I was upset and hurt.  I felt uncared about.  How could she do this.  I needed to talk, to be listened to.  How could she so abruptly take this away?  I skipped my next appointment, she knew how upset I was when I left and never called to check on me during the week or to see why I didn't show at that missed appointment.  So I finally called her and she called me back the next day.  She told me she was leaving in an hour for her 1st chemotherapy treatment for breast cancer.  I didn't know what to say.  Why didn't she tell me what was going on?  Why did she do this in such a back-handed way and make me feel so "thrown out."  Plus during the midst of this my brother-in-law just passed away and I had to deal with that.  I felt for her.  She had to take care of herself but she dropped me along with it and it felt so bad.  And this all happened so suddenly.  Everything was perfectly fine before this. So we went through a really rocky time.  She told me I could call, then couldn't.  Then could.  Then finally said no - not at all.  I told her it was like taking a bottle away from a baby; like heroine away from a heroine attact.  You just can't do that cold turkey.  You have to work something out, dwinle it down in some way or replace it with something else.   Then she said I could call but we have to listen during our sessions.  I was so mad at that -  what a waist of time!   So the first week I did this I was so angry and I said so in my messages.  She ended up listening to them on her own during the week and we didn't have to listen during that session.  But it was a horrible session.  I didn't know who would call it quits first - me or her.  I came so close to walking out.  But I stayed because I really did want to work it out.  I couldn't imagine starting all over with someone else.  It took me a while to share with her and we were doing so well together.  She's such a nice person and now was dealing with cancer.  I didn't want to leave and not know what was going on - I knew her for quite a while by now.  I cared about her.   So, finally she told me to talk on a tape recorder during the week and we'd listen during our sessions.  Reluctantly I agreed to do this.  I did this for quite a while and didn't like it.  It was a waist of time just listening to my week in review.  I didn't need to hear this all over again and re-live it.  The messages were for her - not me.  We couldn't work on other things and I thought it was counter productive.  This tape recorder thing was getting in the way and I'd say something once in a while but she wouldn't say a thing.   So now I have these trips I'm taking with other coming soon and we have to work on lots of things with them.  We do exposure therapies (I'll write about them later).  Today especially I knew there was no time to listen to the tape recorder so I dropped it off early this morning hoping she'd listen before I got there.  I let her know ahead of time.  But she did not listen.  So we had to do it during the session like usual.  We didn't even get through the whole thing - there's a lot she didn't even hear.  When i asked her what we should do about this problem she didn't seem to care.  It's like she wants me to make the decision to talk into the tape recorder and spend the time in the session listening or not.  Or, journal or what ever.  I have to figure out a solution on my own.  She wasn't willing at all to work something out.  Another option, an alternative, some kind of compromise - nothing.  The reason why I talk (in the tape recorder now but before by voicemail) - to her - is because she is my therapist.  I say things so that she knows so that she can help me the best way she can.  If I didn't say these things she would never know and the therapy would be incomplete.  It's like the missing pieces of the puzzle.  I want to think she's now saying this and not wanting to work things out because she thinks it's best in a theraputic way for me.  I'm hoping it's not because she just doesn't want to hear anything thing about me outside of our little one hour "box" I spoke of earlier.  She even said this time how we only have one little block of time.   It makes me feel so sad because my family and friends aren't there for me.  I listen & listen to them all the time and they do not return the favor.  At least I had her to listen and now I don't.   I hope I can work though my being angry at her so we can work on these other issues during our sessions because she's so good with me and I really need to work these things out.  I don't know if it's OK to be angry at her at the same time.  I don't want to tell her because we'll only argue about it.  She's not willing to compromise in anyway.  I asked her and if she was she would have said so today.  It just seems to unfair and it's so hard for me not to feel cared about.  Like she doesn't even want to try to work something out - even temporarily.  It's hurtful. So, the meaning of this story is instead of talking on a tape recorder and having my therapist hear it I'm jounaling it here.  I am letting all of you into my life.  Sometimes it's crazy, funny, sad and any other emotions you might imagine.  Any feedback will be welcomed.  Enjoy!