My Testimony

Well, to start things off, I struggle with depression and self-worth. For about a year or so I’ve been struggling with it. The feeling of being alone. The feeling that nobody even cares about you. I’ve always felt close to God, but lately it just seemed like He wasn’t there and just like everyone else around me, it seemed like he didn’t care or notice that I was struggling. Everyone told me “Just stay strong, God will help you through this.” But I never felt like He did. I felt alone. A few months would pass, still the same feelings, only I was getting tired of always putting on a smile for everyone. Nobody knew how desperate I was to just end it. End everything. I had thought about suicide more times than I’d like to admit. I just knew that I would never actually do it…or at least I hoped I wouldn’t. So I finally decided that I was going to commit suicide. I didn’t know when, all I knew was that I was going to do it. I was tired of fighting God, and I was tired of feeling worthless and alone. Well, on April 27, 2014, I got dressed and ready just like any other Sunday morning. I arrived at church with a fake smile on my face to make people think I was okay. About halfway through the worship part of the service, I started thinking about suicide again but then a song caught my attention. I heard the choir sing “Didn’t I Walk on the Water” and all of a sudden it felt like it was just me and God in the building. As the choir sang on, I felt like God was calling me to the alter. But, I, being shy and knowing there was well over 300 people in that service, chickened out and didn’t go forward. The song ended and personally, I felt upset with myself for not going. You see, it’s funny how God works because not just a second after I had felt that way, Jaylynn walked up and said “We’re going to sing that song one more time because I just get the feeling that God is dealing with someone in this room this morning, and whatever you’re going through, God will always be here for you.”After hearing him say that I felt relieved, but in my mind I was thinking “Well daggum.” So I stood there singing the song and my heart started racing and I just kept hearing God calling me to the alter. Finally, I decided to go down and when I did, I couldn’t keep myself together. As soon as I reached the alter, I fell down on my knees, it just felt like God was holding me in his arms and told me that everything was going to be okay and that’s when I surrendered. I gave up the fight, and I said “God, you know what I’m going through. You know how I feel. I’m tired of fighting, so I’m surrendering all to you and leaving it in your hands.” And the moment I said that it just felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I could finally breathe. I told you all this because I want to let you know that no matter what you’re going through, even when it seems like you’re all alone, God is with you, and He is in control. He will never leave you nor forsake you. If you’re fighting a battle, just surrender it all to Him. There’s no need in fighting a fight that’s already been won. Don’t listen to the lies that Satan tells you. God will never put you through something He knows you can’t handle. Just stay strong and know that you have God on your side.