My Sweet Husband
Where would I be without him?!? Praise God my sweet husband is such an amazing communicator! I have been asking him to just hold me at night...I just feel such peace in his arms.
So last night, cradled in his embrace, I broached one of the many questions I have been afraid to ask..."What are his feelings about trying to get pregnant?"
I knew this was a loaded question. Our baby had been very much an "accident" and our financial world is beyond a disaster. Our toddler's medical expenses are in excess of $4,000/mo AFTER insurance, and we found out a week after we learned we were pregnant that my husband's company was downsizing and he was out of a job effective 9/30/10. He is an Executive Vice President, and those types of jobs take a while to replace.
So, he was really on the spot. He is a great provider and the stress of the upcoming end of his employment and our insurance has been eating him alive...mentally and physically. He was quiet for a second and then said, "I'm going to separate my brain from my heart to answer this..." And he went on to explain that his whole world was wrapped about the excitement about our baby joining our family...and how much he loves to experience me pregnant...and how shattered he was in the ultrasound room when he learned that Matthew had died. He explained that no other baby will ever replace Matthew...that he knows that, and he hoped it wouldn't hurt me, but that very night he was wondering how soon they would let us try to get pregnant. He began reading articles online and pouring over medical research to find out how to minimize our chances of losing another baby. He wants to move forward trusting God, but is worried about my health...about the health of another baby...about our healing the loss of Matthew.
He then said he would talk a little bit about his brain side of things...the fear of provision for our family...of inadequate medical care for our toddler and for me...etc. He said those thoughts torment him, but are trumped by the fact that he knows GOD is our PROVIDER and he will take care of every detail for us...even the life or death of our children is in his hands and he believes that with all his heart. He said he just didn't want to miss anything that God is calling him to do.
So many other beautiful details that I wish I had time to write...I just laid there sobbing on his chest and thanking God for him...so grateful that we are at the same place on our journey. I needed that. I needed to know. He even mentioned the double stroller we were supposed to pick up before Matthew died and that he knew it was symbolic to me...that he keeps thinking we should just get it and trust God. That was really what I needed to hear...buy it or not, doesn't matter. It is just that he shared the same crazy range of emotions and desperate desire to welcome another baby into our family. I SO needed to hear that!! God is so good...even in the midst of our sadness. I believe that every sense that I am "alone" in this marriage is totally a lie of the enemy. God has blessed me with someone who knows my heart...shares my heart and loves me in all my weakness and failure. I wish Matthew could have experienced what an amazing Daddy he has. I know he sees that in Heaven...maybe I just selfishly wanted to get to watch them together. Bottom line...God is amazing! I went from feeling HORRIBLE to just feeling miserable.
I guess I should add that this very same sweet, amazing husband of mine (who is plagued with sports injuries) was getting down the box of my grandma's fabric & sewing stuff, so we could look for some special fabric to use in Matthew's coffin. (They send an adorable flannel baby print, but I had my heart set on a gold or blue satin or something.) While he was lifting the box, he moved a little funny and his knee popped. (He has already had knee surgery and has huge problems w/his meniscus and ACL.) So, it immediately swelled like a cantaloupe and bruised all around his knee..even way back on either side...wrapping around his leg. He iced it for 18 hrs and then went to Urgent Care. They said it is still WAY too swollen for an MRI...probably take a week of icing and elevation to get the MRI image, but they are pretty sure he tore something and is headed in for another surgery (do I need to mention that he is losing job & insurance?!?). So they gave him a full leg immobilizing brace and told him to keep it up & iced. :-(
That's OK...I just keep reminding myself that God is AMAZING and good to us!
So last night, cradled in his embrace, I broached one of the many questions I have been afraid to ask..."What are his feelings about trying to get pregnant?"
I knew this was a loaded question. Our baby had been very much an "accident" and our financial world is beyond a disaster. Our toddler's medical expenses are in excess of $4,000/mo AFTER insurance, and we found out a week after we learned we were pregnant that my husband's company was downsizing and he was out of a job effective 9/30/10. He is an Executive Vice President, and those types of jobs take a while to replace.
So, he was really on the spot. He is a great provider and the stress of the upcoming end of his employment and our insurance has been eating him alive...mentally and physically. He was quiet for a second and then said, "I'm going to separate my brain from my heart to answer this..." And he went on to explain that his whole world was wrapped about the excitement about our baby joining our family...and how much he loves to experience me pregnant...and how shattered he was in the ultrasound room when he learned that Matthew had died. He explained that no other baby will ever replace Matthew...that he knows that, and he hoped it wouldn't hurt me, but that very night he was wondering how soon they would let us try to get pregnant. He began reading articles online and pouring over medical research to find out how to minimize our chances of losing another baby. He wants to move forward trusting God, but is worried about my health...about the health of another baby...about our healing the loss of Matthew.
He then said he would talk a little bit about his brain side of things...the fear of provision for our family...of inadequate medical care for our toddler and for me...etc. He said those thoughts torment him, but are trumped by the fact that he knows GOD is our PROVIDER and he will take care of every detail for us...even the life or death of our children is in his hands and he believes that with all his heart. He said he just didn't want to miss anything that God is calling him to do.
So many other beautiful details that I wish I had time to write...I just laid there sobbing on his chest and thanking God for him...so grateful that we are at the same place on our journey. I needed that. I needed to know. He even mentioned the double stroller we were supposed to pick up before Matthew died and that he knew it was symbolic to me...that he keeps thinking we should just get it and trust God. That was really what I needed to hear...buy it or not, doesn't matter. It is just that he shared the same crazy range of emotions and desperate desire to welcome another baby into our family. I SO needed to hear that!! God is so good...even in the midst of our sadness. I believe that every sense that I am "alone" in this marriage is totally a lie of the enemy. God has blessed me with someone who knows my heart...shares my heart and loves me in all my weakness and failure. I wish Matthew could have experienced what an amazing Daddy he has. I know he sees that in Heaven...maybe I just selfishly wanted to get to watch them together. Bottom line...God is amazing! I went from feeling HORRIBLE to just feeling miserable.
I guess I should add that this very same sweet, amazing husband of mine (who is plagued with sports injuries) was getting down the box of my grandma's fabric & sewing stuff, so we could look for some special fabric to use in Matthew's coffin. (They send an adorable flannel baby print, but I had my heart set on a gold or blue satin or something.) While he was lifting the box, he moved a little funny and his knee popped. (He has already had knee surgery and has huge problems w/his meniscus and ACL.) So, it immediately swelled like a cantaloupe and bruised all around his knee..even way back on either side...wrapping around his leg. He iced it for 18 hrs and then went to Urgent Care. They said it is still WAY too swollen for an MRI...probably take a week of icing and elevation to get the MRI image, but they are pretty sure he tore something and is headed in for another surgery (do I need to mention that he is losing job & insurance?!?). So they gave him a full leg immobilizing brace and told him to keep it up & iced. :-(
That's OK...I just keep reminding myself that God is AMAZING and good to us!
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