My story
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, 33, divorced, 3 years sober from alcohol and still struggling with pornography. It started when I was very young. Second grade I can remember finding my dads dvds and the late night channels that had porn movies. I was hooked from the beginning. Over the years it developed into something I used to curb my desire for intimacy. Why chase women, deal with pregnancy scares, STDs, difficult relationships etc when I could just turn it on, do my thing, feel relieved and move in with my day or week. Quick and easy fix I thought. So it conintued like that for many years and even was used as a coping mechanism for difficult times and good times. Feeling sad, just go get one out real quick, you'll feel better, feeling great, go celebrate and get one out real quick, whatever the emotion was it was excuse. Long story short I found Jesus 3 years ago and was healed from many wounds, chains and specifically alcoholism. I know I love Him now but yet I still betray Him by running back to porn eventually. Sometimes I'm doing great and months go by and I have remained strong. Other times only a few days go by. The point is I have always in the past found myself back at square one. I can't take it anymore, God calls me to repent of this, to turn away from it for good and I am looking for a community or people for help and to help in this walking away for good.
Replies
I never really thoroughly read my Bible growing up even though I always believed & loved God & Jesus.
Recently my inner man has been growing more and finally had the fight to overcome it, absolutely terrible how the spirit and flesh are constantly fighting.
I've even felt suicidal because of this uncontrollable disordered desire in me.
Really really terrible after I uninstalled the porn blocker & did it again.
I then said to my mum that I think that I have to go to the doctor, it was difficult to open up, but she didn't hated me like I felt like I deserved.
I used it as a coping mechanism. It temporarily helped with the anxiety and depression, but the past few months I've realized they're all parasites feeding off each other.
Looking back and really analysing my entire life & I've come to the conclusion that being a loner, misfit, being bullied, being more sensitive, gentle and creative, having low self esteem, feelings of inadequacy (couldn't do sport due to health reason so was quite puny and scrawny) & a lack of the intimacy I needed from my father, sort of caused all this.
Admiration for who I wanted to be like or wished my dad was like morphed into sexual attraction once puberty happened.
The desire was there even before it became sexual. It's wanting to fill that void & the body went about it the wrong way.
I'm wanting God, Jesus & the Holy Spirit to be my source of love, pleasure and joy.
Love people, men and women, appreciate their beauty in a pure way.
Hope everyone in this group helps each other overcome the shit & never ever go back to it.