My doctor says that I need to work on my stress and find a way to manage it. That it is bad for me. I guess that is why I am here. I am the kind of person for whom stress is a hobby. Maybe that’s what got me into this mess in the first place. I don’t know. But I recognize that I need something more to help me. We’ll see how this works.
I have always felt like there was something wrong ever since I was a teenager. It has only been in the last year that I have actually gotten some answers. Last year, not long before my wedding, I received a diagnosis of endometriosis. This was expected and, quite frankly, a relief. I had gone to doctors for years and was simply patted on the head and told that my pains were normal. One doctor offered to write me a script for some stronger ibuprofen. No one was interested in finding out why I was in so much pain. I finally found a (female) GYN (I will NEVER go back to a male one) who actually stopped long enough to listen and immediately knew what was wrong. We are currently giving birth control a try (not working so well yet - we are on our second brand) but I am pretty sure a laparoscopy is in my near future. It will be such a relief when I have it to be able to say, without any doubt, that I have endometriosis. Being able to put a name to such a monster is in itself a comfort. I am not crazy or weak. I have a disease that I am fighting and I am not always strong enough. And that is ok.
At the same time as I have been dealing with this diagnosis I have also been dealing with another mixed bag of symptoms. Hand tremors and panic attacks have plagued me for years. Fatigue has been an off and on problem. But for the last six months or so I have had heart palpitations and a racing heart. My blood pressure rose and I could not shut my brain off. I couldn’t get my pulse below 100 and it regularly ranged around 130 while sitting still. I had a severe anxiety attack during my honeymoon. When we got back I went to get a full check-up. My thyroid scores were very bad. I was referred to an endocrinologist and was given a diagnosis of Graves Disease. It is something that I had never even heard of. I was put on Methimazole and Propranolol. In the first two months my symptoms have gone down but I somehow put on 15+ pounds. My doctor wants me to decide how I will treat the disease (medication vs. surgery – I already know I won’t have anything to do with the radioactive iodine treatment).
Having to deal with all of the symptoms from both endo and graves has been hard. It is a lot to take in. I’m trying to take it one day at a time and only the support from my husband, family and our dog have kept me sane. My husband is my rock. My dog always knows when I am having a bad day and is there for the extra snuggles needed.
I don’t always hold it together, though. A lot of time I doubt myself. After the pain subsides, after I can stand and function I have this little nagging thought in my brain that maybe I am somehow making it up. Maybe I am just being a wimp and other people are going through so much worse while not complaining. Why can’t I be stronger?