My story

It was 8th grade graduation on June 9th. I wanted to talk to the girl I liked to try and stay in contact after graduation, but I was too nervous. All I got was a photo, the last photo of her. For the next few months I have been crying about not doing anything more than ask for a photo. A month passes by and I saw her at a restaurant. Again, I was too nervous. I procrastinated until she left. Again, I was heartbroken. I can't stop thinking about how I was a failure, not speaking up for myself. By this point, high school started. Later I saw her again at a supermarket. I was walking in and she was walking out. I was depressed so I was looking down and realized too late that it was her. I made an excuse to get a shopping cart to go back out but it was too late. I talked to a friend and she suggested I just say hi and nothing else. I saw her at Costco with the same situations as last time. This time I said hi, but she didn't respond. I kept making excuses and blaming it on myself not speaking loud enough, not being able to express my feelings, etc. Eventually the blaming got worse, and I would always talk myself down to make her seem like she did nothing wrong. As I started considering suicide (thoughts started in Summer) the only thing stopping me was the fact that I will never see her again if I die. On February 12th I was fed up. Note: I forgot to mention that we went to different high schools. So I asked my friend to tell her that I was in depression so I don't make any more excuses about her. So my friend told her, and she did not care. At this point I was ready to commit suicide, but my friend stopped me. My friend told me she cared, even though my ex(I call my crush my ex because it makes it simpler to refer to her and I was over with trying) did not. Ironically it was one day before Valentine's. My friend was heartbroken on that day when her crush already loved someone else. At the same time our school gave everyone paper hearts with our names on it. Another friend from my school gave me my heart. I immediately ripped it and I said that it was accurate. It passed by like any other day but I helped my friend from the other school, which I just found out was in the same boat as me. This was the point where my depression changed from being ignored and rejected to seeing myself as no one. Over the few months I've tried to commit suicide at least five times. As my friends tried to help me, they suggested I got revenge on her. They said I could easily outsmart her, but I didn't care. I just wanted to be normal. I've started to talk with the school counselor which helps me delay my death. Sometimes I forget the exact reason why I want to die, but in May I wanted to die every Friday. Of all the days, every time I wanted to die it was Friday and only Friday. On May 19th (Maker Faire) I saw her again, only we were waiting in line for free food. I stared at her and she stared at me for a while. I didn't want to talk to her and she I'm assuming thought the same. At times I want to punch her in the face for what she did, but there are do many people I can't. The next day she walks past my booth. I made eye contact but didn't say anything. She walked right by but my robot didn't work which with seeing her made me feel like a failure. When I got home I texted a crisis line but I didn't go deep because I had to compete the next day and wanted to sleep. I couldn't and I stayed up until 1:00 crying about life. I couldn't kill myself because my team needed me. I was their only programmer. I had to wake up at 6:00 but I felt like shit and didn't want to do anything but be alone and cry. On June 2nd (Friday) was the first Friday I didn't want to die. The day before I had a dream where I told her to fuck off and I felt bad for it. I never did say sorry but I told her it was because I was depressed and asked why she ignored my texts (I texted her in the summer and she ignored them). She said she was too busy with school, which I ate up but only after waking up realized how fake it was. It made me depressed because it shows that I still care about the person who hurt me more than any other. I talked to a crisis hotline and they recommended I talk to others here. And that is my story.